Friday, August 17, 2007

I Got the Feelin' I Should Leave Before the Roof Caves In

Here is my nephew Sam being really, really funny.

And here is my smarter sister's other child and all her blonde curls.

After the last few goofball posts, I'm feeling a little more thoughtful and reflective. I figure none of you will be that surprised when I turn around and go completely the opposite direction. I've always been an "Every Which Way but Loose" kind of girl, and one of these days, I'm going to get me one of those adorable little orangutan side-kicks.

So, ahem. I've been thinking a little bit about maybe getting some therapy. For those of you who have ever read my blog before, you can all say, "Um, duh," in unison. The thing for me is not so much that I feel depressed or anxious in general, it's more that I have a few (cough) issues. The one that bothers me the most is how hard it is for me to let go of relationships that are either unhealthy, or just not right for me. So, I wouldn't need anti-depressants or anything, but if there was a pill I could take that would give me better relationship judgement, I would OD on them every single day of my life. I'm in no way blaming any of my exes and it's something I've been kicking around for the last few years now.

I talked to my sister about it a little bit this weekend. She, of course, agreed that it would probably be a very good thing for me. Then I asked her why she thought it was so scary for people (and when I said "people", I meant me) to get the help they need - especially when "those people" just might have insurance that covered it and already talked to their girlfriends months ago who recommended an excellent therapist. Because my sister is way smarter than me, and as she likes to point out very often, practically raised me, she gave me this brilliant answer:

"I think it's because if you go to therapy, then you don't have an excuse to be lame anymore." She then elaborated, "It's like me and the much bigger house I'm going to move into in October. I'm excited about it, but I'm also feeling some weird pressure. When we lived with four people in a tiny, two bedroom house with no closets, I had an excuse to leave it messy. Everyone understood that there was no way to keep it clean. Now, though, our new house is big and has huge closets and so people will expect it to be tidy, even on days when I'm busy and tired." I hate it that my sister knows me so well, but she was totally right. So, I guess I'm left with a decision. Do I stay in a small house where I have an excuse to be a mess, or do I move into that bigger house and quit being so goddamn lame? Believe it or not, that decision is harder than you'd think.

12 comments:

Stepping Over the Junk said...

I went to therapy for about 4 years. At first twice a month and then "as needed" which was sometimes once a week and sometimes once a month, sometimes every few months. I think that just to talk to someone who is unbiased, won't agree or disagree just because they are your "girlfriend" and talking to someone with no fear of judgement either way, is valuable. I found that by dealing with some core issues, coming to the table with questions for discussion, like "how do I break THIS particular pattern?"...etc. (duh). Anyway, it takes work but is well worth it.

I love your comment on my last post. That was the best ever for some reason. You hit the nail on the head and everyone kept telling me how much better things could be if I let go of the junk with Chef. I feel like a new person. Like nothing is weighing me down.

Chin up, girl!

Babybull40 said...

They are both adorable... Mr.Giggles may have a apotential mate later in life.. She is gorgeous....

not fainthearted said...

Stepping is right on the money, here dear. I would add one thing: YOU are worth the time and effort and money (all which will be needed in sometimes amazing amounts) to do what it takes so you are HAPPY. And Happy comes from inside where you can recognize the stuff on the outside that's going to feed the happy.

Also? Stepping is way smarter or WAYYYY less messed up than I was when I started therapy 10 years ago. Hang on! Before you throw up your hands and say 'forget it!' Like her, it wasn't 10 years of twice a week! Sometimes it was once a week, sometimes once a month, or 'as needed' or somewhere in between. I haven't been in almost a year now....partly because of insurance but partly because I'm doing OK. I still consider myself 'in therapy' and will often role-play the conversation with my therapist in my head in a certain situation.

Ok. All that means, YOU are WORTH the bigger house, even though it seems like it will be a pain in the ass sometimes, it really will be SOOOO much BETTER.

Go for it.

And perhaps I should have coffee before starting to post comments that go on for pages. just saying.

booda baby said...

Your sister's GOOOD.

Okay, I believe you when you say it's hard. I don't understand why, though. Well, except for the comfort of it all. Except for how well you know how to navigate that territory, and the vocabulary and stuff like that.

But you're a gal that does so well with some changes - or at least unusual situtations - and finds the MOST interesting ways to look at them.

It seems like you might actually end up enjoying all the new perspectives and vantages. MAYBE if you took your camera in with you, you'd feel like you had a trusted prop!!!

Liz said...

You're not the only one with relationship issues! There is a reason there are therapist...

Good luck. It takes a lot of work to make changes.

AKS said...

oh your sister is so right! About the house I mean, speaking as someone who had 800 square feet and yes not a closet in a one of them - but the big house is just as messy only my excuse is gone - Sometimes I think I am the only woman my age without a tattoo and never been to therapy but if I got a tattoo my family would just talk about me and if I went to therapy I would just talk about my family - neither of these could be good. And girl everyone has trouble letting go of those relationships - Those kids are gorrrrrgeous!

Margaret said...

i love your sister's anaology.... and think everyone derserves a bigger house, and maybe a maid

Poptart said...

I'm so happy you are deciding to pull the therapy trigger! Just keep in mind that it takes a long, long time, like YEARS to FOREVER (I always say think of how long you've been like you are and then don't expect a miracle...), and in the first coupla years, you'll have times of feeling very vulnerable, which is heard for anyone, but I know will be extra hard for you because you are so tough. But it's good timing to do it now and you (and the girls)will be so glad you did.

Also, insurance usually only pays for short-term, and you'll want to work with someone who is long-term, so start saving your money or put into a flex spending/pre-tax account if you have one...

It's so worth it. Good for you!

Churlita said...

stepping,

You and Steamer give me hope.

Babybull,

Send him down for a play date.

Not,

Thanks for the wise words. You're so helpful.

Booda Baby,

I'm sure you're right. It's just taking that first step.

Liz,

Yeah, thank god I'm not the only one. I'd feel so much lamer.

AKS,

Moira laughed outloud when she read your comment.

Margaret,

Oh, now a maid would be perfect.

Poptart.

You're right. I know I need help.

broinlaw said...

Your sister is sooooo dumb.
And those kids are really ugly too!

laura b. said...

I like your sister! What a great person to talk to.
You do what you need to do to take care of yourself. You deserve to feel safe, happy, and loved.

Churlita said...

Broinlaw,

I'm telling her you said that, and then we'll see who's sooo dumb.

LAura B.,

Thanks.