Saturday, July 21, 2007

You Have to Believe We Are Magic

I don't want you all to be too shocked or worried that I'm starting to get my shit together or anything, but I actually drank responsibly tonight. We were originally going to go to Solon Beef Days, and then never quite made it. Instead we went downtown, and it became a night of wizards and intrusive guys...So, maybe not that much different than any other night in Iowa City.

I probably wasn't in the right space to be out and about, but it was Friday and Stinky had another sleepover and I had spent all day with my co-workers and all evening with thirteen year olds, and blah blah and you've heard this whole thing from me before. Sometimes by the end of the week, I just need to hang out with adults I don't work with, to get a little perspective. I think what I really wanted, was to be invisible so I could watch people and listen to their conversations, but not have to interact. So, maybe I should have just stayed home and watched a movie, but I love my friends and I always have fun when we hang out.

After we were there for about an hour, some young boy plopped down at our table and started bothering my friend T. Eventually, he looked over and noticed me and did that thing where he pretended he knew me from one of his classes. He then admitted that he didn't know who I was and introduced himself. In these situations, I try to let the young drunk boys know exactly how old I am in hopes that it will scare them away. I told him that the last time I was in a class was almost twenty years ago. He called bullshit, so I brought out my driver's license. He told me he thought I looked amazing and I offered up my pat response when any drunk guy tries to schmooze me. It goes something like this: "Yeah, I get real pretty and real young looking when everyone else gets drunk." Of course, he protested and then when I went to grab my ID back, he kissed my hand. I don't know why certain guys think women will be charmed by that, but it is one of the biggest cheese ball maneuvers out there.

I figured it would be a good time to head to the bathroom, even though it would mean that the drunk guy would again turn his affections on my friend T. She wisely asked him to leave, and he was gone by the time I got back. Whew. Now, if you think the fun stopped there, you were wrong. It was almost midnight at that point and there were tons of kids and their parents standing in line to purchase the new Harry Potter book at Prairie Lights. I was hoping there would be more kids dressed up like wizards, but I was wrong. Of course, I knew some of the parents in line and it's always fun to come stumbling out of a bar, reeking of cigarette smoke and stale beer, when you encounter your children's friends' parents.

We made it to our last stop and wandered through the beer garden at the Picador. While some of our friends were chatting, another invasive drunk guy came over to me and asked me to help him put on his shirt. Um, okay, I guess. He tried to talk to me about the band that was playing upstairs and then stopped and asked me to help him buckle his belt. That was it. I think I said something like, "No thanks. I don't really do that for guys." (as if it was a such a common request that I had a moratorium on it) I was pretty much done at that point. I was tired, and too zoned out to be any fun for my friends and sick of drunk, invasive guys. Maybe I'll have to go out with my special jinx powers next time and mess up their computers and send dark clouds over all of their houses.


michelle said...

I hate it when you've been having a good (but relatively innocent time) when you run into a parent of your children. That sucks like nothing else...but then you wonder what the hell they were doing in the same spot as you...even if it were to simply line up for over rated Harry Potter books.

Babybull40 said...

I love reeking of stale beer and cigarette smoke.. That's the best thing ever... At least you had your good wizard hat on.. That first drunk guy obviously didn't have any better lines for trying to you up...real cheesy and kinda lame... I wish I could pull out my wallet and say I was that age again... Have a great weekend...

evil-e said...

I can safely say that I do not do the pick up line thing at all. I am the observer guy when out, the one who watches the tendencies of the other silly humans.

Sounds like an almost annoying night out, it seems you were looking to escape the escape. I hate when that happens.

Michelle said...

oh ew. It's very similar to going to the movie theater on a weekend and being surrounded by the junior highers. Some 15-year old boy came up to me, grabbed my hand, and slobbered on it...then asked for my number. WHAT was he thinking? I'm assuming it was a dare or something, but I still found it obnoxious

not fainthearted said...

Oh yeah! the old "help me buckle my belt" pick-up line. Works like a charm, don't it?

Ondine said...

Isn't it funny how those responses always come out like you've had to respond to such a request so many times before? Some guy asked me once if I wanted to go get a hotel room and some crack, and I answered back "sorry, hon, I don't do crack," but the way I said implied that I do get hotel rooms with strange men all the time. He was actually the most polite crack head I've ever come across.

Margaret said...

that was probably best, to not help with the belt requesy

Poptart said...

I think you shoulda said "OK" to the belt guy. He wouldn't have known what to do!

ha ha ha ha funny night though. I'm with you about more wizards, too. Loe those geeked-up superfans.

Poptart said...

that's "love," not loe. I can't type...

Churlita said...


Yeah. I don't worry about it too much. I just think it's funny more than anything.


I got carded that night too. We must have just gone to a lot of really dark bars that night.


Good for you for not using a cheesy pick-up line. Most women aren't that dumb.


Wow. Junior high boys are so full of hormones, it's scary.


For sure...Not.


Was it Marion Barry?


I think you're right.


He was too drunk to even mess with. It would have been to mean and too annoying all at the same time.