Monday, July 23, 2007

Just Between You and Me

Tonight, Mr Dateman suggested I take a lovely photo of the bright red setting sun with my phone to put up on the blog, so I did. The only problem is that I don't know how to get it to a place where I can post it. So, until I can ask the girls, you get another photo of Stinky making dorky faces and flashing gang signs at YMCA camp. Ah, but she shore do make her mama proud.

Kids, I'm just tard - er, I mean, tired. I feel like I could sleep for a few days and still not be rested. Unfortunately for you, that means I might get a little earnest and introspective and maybe after you read it, we can all cry and have one giant group hug. Blech.

On Friday I was really bored and restless, so I thought I'd make a new Pandora internet radio station. For those of you who do not slave away in a cubicle all day building up your secretary spread, Pandora lets you list the name of a band or bands and it builds a radio station around that kind of music. It takes on a life of its own - kind of like musical sea monkeys. You can give me all the shit you want, but I was in the mood to hear Journey and Journey-like bands. My new Journey station was awesome. They played the best cheese from junior high and high school. I can't tell you when the last time was that I heard a song by April Wine, but I was happy when it showed up on my radio station on Friday.

Since there was absolutely no work to do. I played Mah-Jong and had WAY too much time to think. It struck me as odd that I got so nostalgic about high school when it was such a shitty time for me. After losing my third game of Mah-Jong, it occurred to me that I wasn't nostalgic for the horrible, real time I spent in my teens, it was more the world in my head that I wanted to go back to. Because I had to be able to function in a really unhealthy environment, I lived in my own little world a lot. Most of that time was spent listening to music and reading books and daydreaming about what my life would be like when I turned eighteen and could do whatever I wanted - or, if I met some friendly aliens who would help me with my plight and take my Aunt and Uncle on their space ship with all the rectal probes - or what would happen when I became the Centipede video game champion of the universe and I won millions of dollars worth of endorsements from Atari. Or whatever the hell else my poor sad brain fantasized about when I was in high school. (Believe me, you don't want to know any more details)

Then after I lost my sixth game of Mah-Jong in a row, it occurred to me that the coping mechanism that worked so well for me when I was in high school and powerless, messed me up later when I was an adult. When things got so bad and scary with my ex-husband, I lived in my own head and listened to music too. Since I was over eighteen, I could fantasize about winning the lottery and how I would take me and my girls out of our bad situation. The drag about it then, was that I was just numbing myself and sleepwalking, instead of thinking of any practical solutions. Finally, after a year had passed that way, I woke up and realistically looked at options and in another year, I got out.

See what I mean? It's all a little too Dr Phil for my blog, but it's what you get tonight. Maybe tomorrow, I'll be back in the mood to make more dildo and blow job jokes. I'm not promising anything, but I'll try.

9 comments:

Remiman said...

Churlita,
Most of the world's great writers live in that fantasy world, so you were in good company.
When is your book hitting the market. ;-)
rel

Stepping Over the Junk said...

AH, Journey. Nothing like a bit of Journey.

I am cracking up at the "gang signs at YMCA camp!"

booda baby said...

Shhwxnax. Every once in awhile, I DO get a good word verification.

I see your point (the one you made in your comment on my blog) about hiding. Maybe it works the same for internal AND external lives - is it really rich if you (not meaning YOU, but anyone) don't use the material - shape it and make it and get it to rock and roll? (That's my version of the ol' Christian thingie about using your talents.)

Michelle said...

I've been in a similar situation. At first you just live in that dream world, hoping, wanting it to go away. But then you wake up and realize you have to fight back. It's all good, you got out. I'll be looking forward to those dildo jokes, but until then no worries, I'm in a bit of a funk myself. Best of luck, and much ice cream! :)

l.b. said...

I love Pandora...and Journey for that matter!
I feel like I live in my head too much too. At least you acted when it really counted.

Poptart said...

what? did you say something? I was working on my secretary spread and living in my head...

seriously. it's bad lately.

Liz said...

I have a great life, but my fantasy life is much better. And I have a soundtrack as well. Mine mostly involves Lyle Lovett, AC/DC, and the Stones, but I just might have to make room for Journey... or at least a little REO...and Al Greene. I LOVE Al Greene but never listen to him. Great. I'm headed to Pandora right now!

evil-e said...

"If you see Kay"--April Wine....with cheese and lots of it.

I can relate to your escape mechanism, I do it too. Not as much anymore, but I used to all the time. Metal, books, and video games would get me out of the yucky world and into a good place.

Churlita said...

Rel,

I wish.

Stepping,

Yeah. I can't take that girl anywhere.

Booda Baby,

It's definitely how you use your inner or outer life. Are you hiding or creating?

Michelle,

Mmmm. Ice cream.

LB,

I was a little slow on the draw, but eventually I acted.

Poptart,

You are a multi-tasker.

Liz,

I'm jealous of your soundtrack.

Evil-E,

I'm better about things myself.