Tuesday, July 31, 2007

And No One's Gettin' Fat Except Mama Cass

Here are the farmer's market glads on my kitchen table.

I feel kind of bad for talking about this at all, because I know how hard it is for people to lose weight. But I still haven't even put on one pound since that one blog post where I told you my doctor gave me lease to eat as much fatty food as I wanted.

I'm sure it's like if I were to read your blog and on it you bitched about how much money you had and how you just didn't know what to do with it all and what a burden it was to be rich. I have no doubt that I would want to find out where you lived, travel any distance to get there, punch you in the face, and relieve you of said burden. It would make absolutely no difference how many hours you worked for it, or how much corporate bullshit you put up with (which I'm so NOT willing to deal with) to obtain your wealth, I would still resent the hell out of you anyway.

That having been said, I'm a little frustrated with my inability to gain weight. You can ask anyone who knows me, I eat. Yes, I probably run too much, but you can ask any of those same people who know me again, and they will tell you that not one citizen of this planet would benefit from me doing without my free high. So, now I've decided to bring out the big guns. That's right, butter, bacon and Krispy Kremes. There. That oughta do it. The gauntlet has done been thrown down, bitches.

12 comments:

Remiman said...

Churlta,
I've got 20 lbs. you can have and you never have to give it back!
rel

Tara said...

Do you want some love handles and spare tires? Hehe.

I heard that Krispy Kreme donuts are a good way to pack on some pounds. Also visit some of the fast food restaurants in the area. And a pancake house.

Q said...

Might I suggest protein bars. Those things are loaded with good calories and will help you put on some mass not just empty weight.

Poptart said...

Seriously, I will top Remiman's 20 and give you 25. You can also have my cellulite, upper arm flaps, and bra-back overhang. I'd offer my giant cheeks but I know even though you are skinny, you got that covered!

Ice cream EVERY NIGHT, and pizza a few nights a week, and two blocks of Ramen noodles for a snack. It works for my 300-pound roommate... (who thank god is moving out tomorrow.)

Babybull40 said...

I also have a few pounds that I'm not needing right now... How much you willing to take on?

booda baby said...

Hang in there one or two more years and suddenly, the balance will shift and fat will come to you and try asking it to leave. You have NEVER seen such an inconsiderate bastard as that fat shit.

TLB said...

I've got an extra 100 or so that's all yours. Just come up here and get it.

I prescribe Culver's Butterburgers. Oh, yes, I do.

evil-e said...

I am on your side....I am looking to gain weight these days.

I actually want to increase the muscle mass and gain some of the hard pounds to gain. I am actually down about ten pounds since April due to continued working out.

Keep on being that no weight gaining chick and be proud. I see and hear way too many people complain about the opposite.

Sarah said...

If you are a runner and you are in good health and good shape I don't really see any need for you to gain weight. Are you unhappy with the way you look? If you are looking to gain weight, however, there are healthier weight gaining alternatives to Krispie Kreme and bacon, which are loaded with saturated fat that will eventually clog your arteries. Go for the unsaturated fats like avacado (yay guacamole!) and peanut butter. Dairy is also a good and healthy way to pack on some extra pounds -- cheese, ice cream, milk shakes, etc.

jenny said...

how about some smoothies? those things have like 600 calories each!

Churlita said...

REl,

Thanks. That's such a sweet offer.

Tara,

MMmmm. Pancakes.

Q,

Oh sure, be practical. I know I know. I just want an excuse to eat donuts. Once Winter comes and I start on my pelt, I won't have this luxury.

Poptart,

You're right. I still have chubby cheeks.

BAbybull,

Let me think about it and get back to you.

Booda Baby,

Don't get me wrong. I haven't always had this problem. That's what's so weird about it.

TLB,

You do NOT have an extra 100 pounds. Not even close. But butter burgers? I'll take those.

Evil-E,

I took off running today. I can only do that for a day or two a week before I start jonesing.

Sarah,

I lost too much weight too fast and my doctor would like me to get back to a healthier weight. I'm kind of joking about the bacon and butter. Guacomole sounds good, though.

Jenny,

OOOh, Smoothies. I didn't even think about them.

l.b. said...

I am going to empathize and make myself admit that feeling underweight could feel as bad as feeling overweight. I know it is a legitimate problem for some people. I would think instead of just loading up on fatty stuff it would be best to maybe get the supplemental shakes and things that athletes use to build mass? I don't really know what I'm talking about though....