I Can Read the Writing On the Wall

This Saturday Scavenger Hunt word was brought to us by the AlienCG, and he chose letters. An excellent choice to follow-up numbers from last week.

I'm definitely more comfortable with letters than numbers, because using numbers usually means you have to do math and as I've stated on here many times, I think math is bad.

I decided to use some graffiti photos I took. Most of them came from the Deadwood bathroom during my friend E.'s bachelorette party.

Since I love taking pictures of public restrooms and I heart graffiti a whole, whole bunch, I thought it would be the best use of letters that I could think of.

This last one was written on the side of the Sheridan hotel downtown. It cracks me up that people will do anything possible not to use their letters correctly when writing graffiti. As I'm sure you can all tell from reading my blog. I'm by no means a purist in any sense of the word, and I appreciate how purposely creative people can get with their spelling.

For Those About to Rock

I'm making a special Thursday edition of "it's late and I'm tired, so this will mostly be a photo post". Usually it's on Wednesday, but since FMDM was playing his first gig in forever, I changed my schedule around in order to gawk at the RAWK.

I asked FMDM to act like a rocker right before the show, and this is what he gave me. Pretty convincing, huh?

Then I took some more photos so you could all see what metal really looks like. Apparently, when you can't find a fog machine, you have to resort to cigarette smoke to get the right effect.

This kids xylophone must be the new phase in metal. It actually sounded pretty cool.

It's also important to wear your wrist bands, if you want to convey to all the world just how absolutely metal you can be.

If you can incite the crowd, that helps you look like a total RAWKer. As you can see, wearing a black shirt is also very necessary.

Also, remember to drink your PBR, for maximum metalness/tude.

The other important thing to remember if you want to be truly authentic, is to flip me the bird when I take your photo. Nothing ensures your RAWK! status like giving me the finger...At least in this town, anyway.

If You Try Sometime, Well You Just Might Find, You Get What You Need

It seems many single blogging women have been writing posts about how frustrating the dating situations are in each of their towns lately. Not to be left behind, I thought I'd add to the noise and give a couple amens and a "can I get a witness?" right along with them.

On Saturday night during our little dance party, somebody played the Rolling Stones' "You Can't Always Get What You Want". Our friend Matt who was dancing, sang it very loudly like this, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you find..." We, of course, gave him tons of shit for using the wrong lyrics and all sang it like that too, until he told us to fuck off and then we sang it even louder. Matt's version of the song kind of sums up my "dating" life for the last few months. You know, I'm kind of just getting what I can find. Which isn't to say that what I've found is bad, it's just not necessarily what I want or need. Oh, and before everyone starts giving me shit, I'm really not looking that hard either. I go out and have fun. If I meet an interesting guy, great. If not, my friends are so awesome, I don't really think about stinky boys that much. So, I'll just kind of do a roll call thing of the few guys I've been currently dealing with, or not dealing with, as the case may be.

1.) Last week, I think I finally got to that great place where everyone wants to be with their most recent ex - over him completely and totally. There was one last death rattle of angst and annoyance about whatever shit did and didn't happen and that whole feeling like an idiot, for even trying with someone who was so obviously wrong for me in retrospect. Ultimately, though, I had to ask myself if I had fun and if I learned some important stuff and the answer to both of those questions was a resounding yes. So, I've let it go and reached that break-up nirvana place of indifference. It's over, I can't even be pissed off about anything, really, and I hope he finds someone he can be happy with. The end. NEXXXXXT!

2.) I've also been wrestling with what to do about Mr. Awesome. We've been drunk texting and calling a lot in the last month or two and all of that has been, uh, awesome, but it's still never crossed over to the sober texting and calling level. He always says he's going to and every call and text session seems to go the same way. He talks about how great he thinks I am and how much he wants to make things work, and then he goes into all the challenges we face. His big concerns are the fact that we live in different towns (he's an hour away) and that he has custody of his son and how he's very careful about what he does because of that, and the fact that he works a lot. He's afraid to bring someone else into that mix. No one's going to understand all that better than me. So, I tell him that we should just be friends and leave it at that. Then he'll tell me that it still feels worth it to him to try and that he'll call me the next day when he's sober, and then, of course, never does. After we talked for a while on Friday night, he asked me why I was still putting up with his shit. At the time, I couldn't quite express it, but I waited until the next day when I was sober and called him and left a voice mail message to try to let him know why, after all this time, I'm still trying to wade through all the bullshit.

What I told him in WAY less detail than I'm telling you, is this: When I met him last Thanksgiving weekend in Fort Madison, he really was the first guy in forever who just blew me away. Most guys I meet all seem so intent on being some kind of persona - they're either Mr Intellectual, or Mr. Artist, or Mr. Scenester or Mr. Successful and I hate all that crap. Mr. Awesome got his name because he was real. He was funny, smart, cool, fun, and he could not only admit he had feelings, he was able to express exactly how he felt about me without any game playing. How fucking refreshing was that? Crazy. Even though we spent several hours hanging out that night and my friend K. (who has known him since high school) has been able to tell me a lot about what kind of person he is, I haven't seen him since then. So, as far as I know, he could be a thief, or an alcoholic, or a serial killer or even worse, really bad in bed and I would never know...Until it was too late.

So, anyway. I put myself out there. I left him a voicemail message to tell him why I've put up with his bullshit. He texted me and told me that it was the sweetest voicemail ever, but no other communication since then. I figure, I tried. If he's interested, he'll call me when he's sober sometime. If not, like I said before, at least I met a guy who had almost all the qualities I want in a man. So, maybe there are others out there like him, who would actually be interested in me when they were sober too. It's possible, you know. Have I mentioned to you all that I'm a sucker for false hope?

3.) There have been a few other boys out there who I've hung out with, but they've either been too young, or lived too far away, or just haven't been relationship material. I'm certainly not writing anyone off, I'm just trying to be realistic.

I guess what I've found lately are some great guys who I've had fun with, learned from and who I hope will end up being my friends, if nothing else. Originally, I thought this might a little whiny post about not being able to find relationship material, but really, I feel pretty lucky about my dating experiences of late. Who knew? Maybe I should let out a hallelujah!, instead of those amens and "that can I get a witness?".

Nothin' Is Really Wrong

Only in Iowa City do people use barns as places to store their paintings.

Hey, I figured I'd try to be a little more wholesome in this post after yesterday. I guess I am someone's mom after all. I should try to straighten up and fly right every once in a while, right?

Tonight I went to the very last activity of the school year for the girls. Stinky had her band concert and it was very long. I know you'll all be shocked that the percussion kids kept squirreling around and dropping their cymbals, as if the audience might forget what drummers were like in general and needed a refresher. With my ADD, I thought it was hilarious, but as I'm figuring out the older I get, not everyone shares my sense of humor. Whatever. Anyway, I went, I supported Stinky and now I've got a few months before we start all over again.

This long weekend, I got to spend some time with the girls. Since Coadster had her grueling show choir workshop, I didn't see her as much. I did go to the very rough performance for the parents to show us what they learned. Their choreographer, as you would expect, is very much a diva. Coadster loves him, but I think he'd start grating on my nerves in about a half hour of exposure.

Last night, Stinky got sad. I think it's hormones, because I remember Coadster going through that at 13 and 14, but it could be an extra special holiday version of the Sunday sads on Monday. She started crying and couldn't put a finger on why. She was supposed to be at her dad's, but there are times in a girl's life where she just needs her mom. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's being reassuring and helping someone when they're sad. We did a lot of lying around and watching movies and eating cupcakes, while I rubbed her back. That combination of comfort and escapism seems to work every time. She was a million times better after about an hour, but that didn't stop us from spending the rest of the night doing the same damn thing.

Life's Such a Treat and It's Time You Taste It

Here's a picture of Libby's dog, licking it up.

Well, kids. It's the end of my glorious three day weekend and I'm trying to clean things up and get ready for the work day. What that means for all y'all, is that I'm posting some texts I've either sent or received before I delete them. If you've read one of these kinds of posts before, you'll recall that it's usually dirty and wrong and less attractive than Kiss without their make-up in the "Lick it Up" video. Remember, unless they're grouped together, these texts stand on their own and aren't attached to the one above or below. Ready? Okay!

1) Maybe he'll be back. Sometimes that happens and you wind up shaving in the Dublin bathroom! I might be back. S. keeps farting by me.


2.) He's makin tatr salad n chickn. So anything.


3.)This is an exchange.

1st Texter: Grassy Ass.

2nd texter: I love it when u speak Iowa Spanish.

1st texter: It makes me seem hotter don't u think?


4.) I have 20 new boyfriends. It must be bar close.


5.) Spayshul! U got cute boyz movin in next door.


6.) Good. I meant every word. Even if I did sound like Corky from "Life Goes On."


7.) This next exchange was the day after a drunk text from a boy at bar close who lives 5 hours from me and told me he was going to start driving to see me. After I reminded him that he probably was too drunk to drive, he told me he'd try to drive down the next day. I got this the next afternoon when he woke up with a belly full of shame:

Him: Needless to say but I won't be making it tonight. I'm hoping for a longer stay in the very near future. Promise.

Me: Ha ha. I kept waiting for you to get here 5 hours after u texted. Just kidding.

Him: I know u did... Liar.


8.) U were sexxxy with 3 xs.


9.) What's up douche?


10.) 1st texter: GW gave me shit that most of those pics were of u n me but she took most of them so I flipped that shit right back at her.

2nd texter: Ha ha! its not our fault that our dance moves are mesmerizing.


11.) I'll let u know when to start feeling shame - u've got a lot of making up to do in the slut arena. better do it now rathr than in the nursing home.


12.) I'm like a Paris Hilton porno shot in night vision in those pics. Ugh.

Until One Day When the Sky Turned Dark and the Winds Grew Wild

Here's me trying to dance like Paula Abdul and Scat Cat in that one video from the eighties.

I was going to try to write last night, but the storms were so bad around here, that I turned off the computer and unplugged it, so I wouldn't have to worry about power surges with all that lightning.

So, this weekend has been excellent, and made even better because it's not over yet. On Friday afternoon, my friend A. messaged me and said she'd love to hang out with me sometime this year. So, I sought her out at work at 126 and we planned to hang out after she got done later that night.

I went over to K.'s boyfriend's cookout, which turned out to be just the three of us and our other friend W. It was really nice that small. A. grilled chicken and made potato salad and I brought a green salad. They were in the process of making rhubarb crisp when I had to take off and taxi kids all over hell.

Later we all met at the Dublin and my friend A. and my beautiful friend S. both met us when they got off work. It had been a long time since we'd all been together like that without getting interrupted by our kids during every conversation.


On Saturday night, I stayed home for a while before Stinky went to her dad's house and ate grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup and watched Titanic together. Eventually I got a call from a woman who was in from out of town telling me to meet her and our friend Shecky in her backyard for a beer.

It was bit chilly, but still nice and we had a really great talk about how little self-esteem we all had when we were younger and how great it is to be older and finally feel good about ourselves. Then I walked down to the Dublin and met a bunch of folks and tried to distract people from making shots during pool games, and then ended up having another wonderful/ridiculous dance party.

Here are the girlys doing their Captain Morgan's pose.

Sunday was supposed to be the backyard jazz, but it turned out that it was way too muddy and humid for that, so we all went over to Libby's for croquet.

Here is Libby's dog in his house which is a replica of Libby's.

We also ate good Summer food and watched her dogs look really sweet.

Then her husband got all manly on us and built a big old honking fire, that helped get rid of some of the bugs.

I left around 10 to pick up and drop off kids and then finally went home and watched Children of Men to the sound of loud thunder and rain beating down outside. It was a great combination.

When You Run Out of Digits, You Can Start All Over Again

This week's Saturday Scavenger Hunt word is number. So, I decided to show you photos of people making numbers with their fingers.

This first one is a zero. What it really is some game that boys seem to like to play, where they try to make you look at them making that zero shape with their fingers and when you look, they get to punch you. Sounds fun, huh?


I can never get this guy to take a serious photo. So, then I just keep trying. Now I have a whole series of photos of this guy flipping me off (I'm number one!) next to my friend K. looking all adorable.

Stinky isn't happy, unless she's taking photos of herself making the peace sign. That's two fingers right there.

My friend J. also hates having his picture taken. He normally puts his hand in front of his face when I try, but this time, his friend Fodge did it for him. It took him all five fingers. Okay, that's quite a number of photos for this word.

I Like to Make Love in a Tree-ee-ee

So, tonight I sadly missed an opportunity to hang out with my former neighbor and the author of one of my favorite blogs, "Circle Jerk at the Square Dance", Brando. He was in town for work and we were going to try to meet last night, but he got bogged down with work and then tonight, we were going to try again, but I got bogged down with teenagers. I'm bummed. Hanging out at George's eating cheeseburgers, drinking beer and watching the Cubs with a hilariously funny guy sounded just about perfect. On the upside, he said he and his wife, who is gorgeous AND cool may make it back to town at the end of July with their new baby. I believe that would be a triple bonus.

So, now I'm on the precipice of a three day weekend, and I couldn't be more giddy(or could I not be giddier?). Coadster has marathon show choir workshops all weekend long. (go ahead and laugh, I did) And Stinky has major plans to go to the pool as it's finally supposed to warm up here. Besides running as much as possible, I have a few plans. Tomorrow night, depending on the weather, I may go to my friend K.'s boyfriend's cookout. On Saturday, I have a friend coming into town and I told her I'd meet her and our other friend Shecky out. On Sunday, my friend Libby's husband R. is going to play jazzy stand-up bass with another guy who plays the clarinet in their backyard. I can't wait to hear them. How will you all fill your three days?

...And now for something completely different. Remember when I lamented the supposed demise of one of my favorite trees on campus after the ice storm?

Well, look what a little trooper it is. Sure, it looks a little Dr Seussy here, but I think it's holding up damn fine after its near death experience. Let's give a cheer for our happy little tree.

Last week when I was walking back from my break, there was a couple sitting in its branches getting all ready to make out. Then these two guys walked past and started singing a little song they made up that went something like this, "I like to make love in a tree-ee-ee..." And the couple immediately separated. Awesome.

That's Just a Little Bit More Than the Law Will Allow

Here are some flowers up against a wall.

As seems to be the usual for my Wednesday evening post, it's late and I'm tired, so this will be quick. Tonight is my childless night and so I did my supper club gig at Shakespeare's with some girls and had a great talk and ate greasy food and drank a soda. All of which were wonderful.

After that, I headed down to the Dublin where I had my two beers and hung out with some funny guys and my friend J., who I love. I can't remember how, but we got on the subject of how we refer to our private girl or boy parts (you know how you do that in bars sometimes). The owner said he called his a pecker and I told him I thought that was non-threatening and pretty tame. Most of the guys agreed that they usually used the term cock because that was a little more sexy. J. and I were joking about calling our girl parts cooches. The boys seemed to like that term, although Scooter, the bartender said he had a hard time calling it a cooter because it made him think of The Dukes of Hazzard. I definitely had to agree with him. Imagining someone calling it a "C-c-cooter" is sooo not sexy.

Well, kids. I think it's time to end this quaint little bed time story and call it a night (or whatever you feel comfortable calling it). The end.

I'm Competing With the Man of Steel

So, you know how I'm always dancing like an idiot when I go out? (see photo illustration of me eighties dancing above) Well, maybe it's better than if I actually sit down and try to have a conversation with someone. Here is one example of why I should just shut up and dance:

Me: (to guy sitting next to me at the bar) Hey, I didn't see you at all last weekend. Were you out of town?

Guy: No. I decided to stay home and watch DVD's.

Me: Cool. What did you watch?

Guy: Um, well...Babylon 5.

Me: Really? Are you kind of a geek? I didn't know you were geeky like that...(noticing his reaction and trying to fix things) Wait. I'm a total geek, so I'm saying it like it's a good thing. You know, like we might have lots to talk about.

Guy: Oh, okay. So, what's the geekiest thing about yourself?

Me: Uh, everything. I play video games, I love comic books, I have a blog...Do you want me to keep going, or are you going to tell me the geekiest thing about yourself?

Guy: The geekiest thing about me is that I have a theory about Superman where I think he's the perfect existential hero.

Me: Oh, you're a Superman guy. Most guys I know who are into Superman as opposed to Batman tend to be a little more anal.

Guy: Wait. You judge guys on their favorite comic book characters? That's the geekiest thing I've ever heard...

Me: I know. I already admitted to you that I was a geek, so you can't keep giving me shit about it. I think that's against the law.

Guy: So, I'm assuming you're a Batman fan...

Me: Hell, yeah. He's got that darker edge to him and all those super cool gadgets. Plus, he could totally kick Superman's ass in a fight.

Guy: I'll give you that. We already know that Batman has kryptonite that he can use against Superman anytime he wants.

Me: Exactly, but I'm totally willing to buy your existentialist Superman theory as long as you can admit that Batman is much cooler.

Later on this same guy told me I scared him a little (I get that a lot). When I asked him why, he said that I had this aggravating quality about me that made him want to punch me and kiss me at the same time and he wished that he didn't find it so attractive.

I replied to his statement by asking, "So, what you're really trying to say is that I'm overwhelmingly charming?"

After hesitating WAY too long, he said, "Um, yeah. Sure. Whatever."

All These Places Had Their Moments

I thought you would all appreciate a picture of a cat fight. Sexy.

Y'all bitches better hold onto your hats, I feel a random post coming on. Today was even busier than usual, and my brain hasn't had time to settle, so I'm just going to get all ADD on your asses. Consider yourselves warned.

1.) Coadster had her last soccer game against a Cedar Rapids team who will go unnamed, but according to Coadster, those girls were evil and not very good sports either. I'm glad Coadster's team won their last game against some supposed hellions.

2.) Coadster also had her last choir concert right after that. I had to tear ass just to make it, and Coadster was forced to throw her hair in a ponytail and perform all sweaty. She had a solo for the Beatles' "In My Life" and she kicked ass, if I do say so.

3.) Next week Stinky has her last band concert and she's all pissed off that the 7th graders get to play "Smoke On the Water", while the eighth graders have to perform lame ass shit from High School Musical. I was thinking I might get some parents together and start a petition to introduce Judas Priest into the junior high band curriculum just to appease poor Stinky. I think it could fly, don't you?

4.) I realized that I wrote an entire post about my friend R.'s birthday on Saturday without a picture of him anywhere. Duh. So, here he is with all his hos touching his pickle. happy birthday, Rob.

His wife said that she had offered to pick him up from the bar on his birthday when he was ready to come home, but he opted to walk. When she saw him in the kitchen she asked him why he didn't call her and he responded something like, "I didn't want to bother you, but now I have to remember to call all my bitches back at the bar and tell them I made it home alright." Rob is a total fucking baller.

5.) I also forgot to post a photo of me bowling. I know I promised and my friend GW took one of me and everything, so here's my action Jackson shot. Thank god you can't see my face, I think we've had more than enough EXTREMELY unflattering photos of me making horrible faces on here lately and I apologize.

6.) While we're at it, here's me walking back all cocky after my first strike. That's right bitches, I got some strikes. Of course, I was totally inconsistent, so I got just as many gutter balls. Keep 'em guessing, that's what I always say.

7.) This guy was sitting on a bench outside The Atlas on Saturday night. If you ever want to make a bunch of money panhandling from overpriveledged frat boys, hold a sign like this. I've never seen rich kids from Chicago show so much compassion. This guy's cup literally runneth over. And as you can see, it wasn't because of his sparkling personality.

A Live Wire, Barely a Beginner but Just Watch That Lady Go

So, Saturday night was my friend E.'s bachelorette party. It started early, so I tried really hard not to start drinking too soon. My goal for the night was to have as much fun as possible without incurring a hangover the next day. E.'s sister lives out in the country and that's where the fun began.

Like every function my friends put on, there was amazing food. It was a Mexican theme if you couldn't tell from this photo. They also served margaritas and Corona with lime. Mmmmm.

Lucky for us, there was also a litter of adorable kittens in the garage. Seriously, what could be better?

Well, you know I'm always going to say that my friends are the best, and they're even better than that when they're wearing dorky hats, with animal print bands on them.

Oh, and I can't forget the fake tattoos. Because sure some of us are girlie girls, but we can also be some tough bitches when we want too.

On top of all the other party favors, someone who was a real lover of fun, got E. a riding crop which we took turns putting to good use. As I'm sure you all would too if you had one at your bachelorette parties. It was WAY more fun than a dildo necklace.

After it got dark, we decided to venture downtown for a scavenger hunt. It was graduation weekend here so all the bars were packed. Our first stop was to George's where we ran into the guys having Rory's bachelor party and between the two groups, we pretty much invaded that poor bar.

We eventually left the boys at George's and headed to IC Uglies (for any of you expats, it's the bar formerly known as Tuck's). Because the boys were gone, we were more diligent with the scavenger hunt there. One thing that wasn't on our list, but we took advantage of anyway because we almost had to, was a photo of the bachelorette riding bitch in a sidecar.

I didn't pay a lot of attention to the scavenger hunt stuff. You know me, I have a hard time with that whole paying attention thing. Basically, someone would call me over to take a picture when it was necessary and I was happy to do it. Here is something where I think E. had to do a shot called a blow job that some random guy was supposed to hold near his crotch. Of course, the random guy in this case was Dan R. a regular at the Dublin (the bar E.'s fiance owns) so it was all very safe and respectful.

Here E. is applying lipgloss to some hot guy who we didn't know. He was a great sport about the whole thing and even kissed her neck to leave lipstick marks on it for her.

We literally skipped to our next stop, which was Joe's Place. Once there we decided to get all 5,0231 of us to do a shot in honor of the bride to be. I'm sure it was a pain in the ass for the bartenders, but we tipped them well, so they grudgingly put up with it. That was the only shot I did all night, in keeping with my moderation policy for the evening.

I'm sure you'll all be shocked to hear that we ended up having a dance party at the Dublin to finish off the night. By the time the bar closed, E.'s tiara was a little crooked, but she looked amazing. She's still young enough to pull that off. Damn her.

You will also all be happy to know that I refrained from attending the after hours all girl sleepover at my friend Eggo's house, and went home instead. And, Oh yeah. I had all the fun in the world, and didn't have a hangover today. I'm a good girl.

Maybe Your Attention Was More than I Could Do

So, yeah. We went to the bowling alley on Friday night and celebrated our friend R.'s 40th birthday. Bowling wasn't half bad, but the best thing about the bowling alley is what I call the blowy thing, but what everyone else likes to call a hand dryer. Whatever. I still like my name for it better.

You know how I get all giddy every time I run across an industrial fan or anything that will blow my hair back so I can pretend I'm Stevie Nicks in the "Stand Back" video? Well, those little hand dryer things are perfect for that.

I made everyone I could, pretend to be Stevie Nicks, and as you can all imagine, it was wonderfuckingful. The first photo was me doing it. Of course, I looked more like the gangliest weirdo in the world doing the chicken dance, than Stevie Nicks, but then we all got to have a good laugh at my expense, so it was worth it.

My friend GW was a perfect Stevie Nicks, because she has the hair for it. If only she had been wearing a caftan...

Our friend P. didn't have as much to blow around, but he definitely got points for giving it the old college try.

My friend Eggo thought it was really funny to tease me. She'd go up and say, "Look Churlita!" and then when I'd go to get my camera ready, she'd laugh and walk away. It was very mean, but then when she wasn't able to knock all the pins down, I told her it was karma for being mean to me. She finally let me take her picture and you wanna know what? After she did, she bowled a strike.

I think A. looked the naughtiest and therefore invoked Stevie Nicks the most accurately. All that was missing was some cocaine and Lindsay Buckingham.

K. was probably the most adorable.

...That was until I got the cutest little boy in the world to do it. He had no idea who Stevie Nicks was, and he was still able to channel her.

H.'s photo turned out a little blurry, but I think it helped to give her that gypsy feel.


And nobody, but nobody was able to master it with the same intensity as Libby. I mean seriously, right there, she is Stevie Nicks.