Wednesday, May 07, 2008

She Says Love is Not What She's After

Here is part of the campus in our town.

Okay, you guys. Apparently, I'm a total fucking idiot and now let me tell you why. I went to supper club with some fun kids at Los Portales and I was such a good girl. I ate food and only had one margarita with dinner.

I dropped my friend K. off at her place and thought I'd head to the Dublin Underground for one beer to see if my friend Libby was there. Luckily, she and her husband were both down there and my favorite bartender was working and some other guys who I think are tons of fun were hanging out too. It was such a great night and people kept buying me beers and when I wasn't keeping up, they bought me little chips which are like beer coupons that you hand in at a later date, so that was cool too.

Eventually, after much swearing and laughing so hard my eyes were tearing, Libby and her husband got smart and left. Unfortunately for me, I wasn't quite as smart and stayed with a bar full of drunk guys and talked about what they wanted from women. I actually love this conversation, because even at my advanced age, I have no clue. According to the drunk boys I spoke to, (and I have to believe them because you know drunk guys would never say anything they didn't mean) all men really want is to have great sex in a committed relationship. Which should make things so easy, because most women I know want that too. So, my question to you guys tonight is, how come it isn't so easy if both men and women seemingly want the same thing?

The other thing I talked to these guys about was honesty. Last Saturday this guy who I met down at the Dublin about a month ago and who lives in another state, was back. He came up to me the minute I walked in the bar and said something to the fact that one of the great things about Iowa City for women is that a lot of guys who used to live here come back to visit and so we can hook up with them, but we don't have to worry about them begging for a relationship. (because most guys are always trying to get women to commit, right? Uh, whatever) Then he said something about a guy I used to date who just happens to live in another state as well. When I asked him how he knew I dated that person, he said that I told him that. I knew for a fact that I didn't, so he probably did some asking around about me and someone else gave him that info. If he told me that, I'd be fine with it. If I was attracted to someone, I'd do my homework too.

The problem I had with him, was all the weird scheming and assuming he was doing. Because he knew who I dated, and that person lived in another town, he assumed that's what I wanted. Wrong. If he had said he wanted to hang out for a while and maybe make-out, I probably would have been into that. Hey, he was cute and fun. I just don't like all that conniving and game playing. The guys I talked to about this, were all kind of half-jokingly saying that it never occurred to them that they could get what they wanted by telling the truth. So, my other question for women is, would you rather a guy be honest about what he wanted, or would you rather he dress it up a bit?

Obviously, I was stupid to drink beer and then stay out late on a school night, but just so you don't think I'm a total loser, I will let you admire my restraint. One of the other bartenders came downstairs as I was leaving and was surprised I was still there. He told me he'd buy me a drink if I'd stay longer, but I actually showed some restraint and walked up those stairs and then came home and wrote this totally drunken, long winded blog post about relationships. You can go ahead and thank me later...Or not.


Remiman said...

Guys just want to get laid and they're committed to that and then it's off to the golf course.
Except for me that is. I'm totally different than other guys. ;)

evil-e said...

I had to think about this answer a bit. (good question by the way) I think the difficulty lies in the actual personalities and the make up of the persons involved. Great sex in a committed relationship has its points, but I cannot agree completely with that. I dated and lived with an ex-stripper, if the above was the case we would be married 7 years (it was that great)Problem being her past was the train wreck people use as a metaphor.

Drunk guys actually do tell more of the truth when drunk, so do girls for that matter. Beer = truth serum. Problem being the "other brain" speaks loudly as well and usually jumps into the conversation. Just as an example, my ex-supervisor from the last job just recently made it VERY CLEAR what she thought of me while she was drunk. Good for my ego!! Fortunately I keep my wits about me when drinking for the most part and I am happily attached in a steady relationship that features great sex already.

I guess my answer after all this babbling is this: Guys and girls all want the same things, but like the Motorhead song, the chase is better than the catch. (I am happy with my catch right now)

fringes said...

This was a really good post. Great questions. Good sex is easy when the partners are attracted to each other. Even the inexperienced figure out what goes where eventually.

I think it's the dishonesty that becomes the issue. All the games and scheming as you said. The walls of defense and protection, never really letting the other person inside. The resentment and suspicion built up from past hurts. All that has to be worked through. Then maybe it will work. If both people really really want it to happen.

Mr Atrocity said...

I think there's more to it than great sex in a committed relationship, you need to be great friends too and that takes work. Sometimes people change and that relationship can no longer work. I don't think there's a magic formula, but when it is working you do know it.

DJSassafrass said...

I think it's annoying that this guy straight up lied to you about something so small...I guess you could say 'oh that's a small thing, doesn't matter much," but if it came that easily about a small thing...well...something to think about. As if you wouldn't know what you had said to him. Who does he think he is dealing with?

NoRegrets said...

Honesty is important. It's also difficult to deal with. And I think sometimes to learn to know when you yourself are being honest and not just playing a game.

booda baby said...

Gotta tell you - and this is based on me really loving and liking men and owning a few as my very best friends - I don't know if a guy can be honest about what he wants. (Same thing applies to women.)

It's one thing to say it in theory, but the second dynamics come in to play, the spotlight shines on how really full of shit we are when we think we can articulate our needs in a list-like manner.

Professor Boodababy, signing off.

Poptart said...

I'm totally with you on the honesty thing. In my last relationship I let all the "dishonest! alert!" flags go by and stuck with it, only to be really burned in the end. I think at the most basic, an honest person is at the core able to be IN something - for real, while someone who is dishonest, even about seemingly unimportant things, just isn't able to do the give and take that a relationship requires. They'll always have one foot out.

laura b. said...

Churlita, I started to comment and then realized I had too much to say. This one deserves a whole post. Sorry to poach, but you've inspired me.

Tera said...

I so love long winded drunken posts. And what a soldier to hang in there drinking like that!!! You go girl!

Now as for the sex stuff...since I am refraining from sexual activity at this time in my life, I believe I will also refrain from commenting on it. I will however make it known that there is something about some hot, steamy, passionate sex with someone that I am attracted to that makes me go crazy!!!

Damn I guess that was a comment huh? Okay, I'm done :)

Tara said...

I'd rather him get into a conversation with me and then gradually sneak in some honesty. So I guess a mixture of both dress it up a bit and be honest at the same time.

-RM said...

I agree with evil-e's reference to motorhead. I think I am going back and enjoying the chase, although - there's not much of a chase. I'm brutally honest sometimes and it works out. I've told a girl, "let's go make out"'s worked.

Also, that was really freaky that the guy would do tell you shit...I mean, fuck...that's kind of stalkerish. I know, do your homework - but there is some tact behind exposing shit you already know. That's just me.

michelle said...

I absolutely agree that everyone should be honest and open about what they want. Then they can decide if it's for them or not with the pressure removed. There's no game playing or mistaken ideas. Unfortunately though if a woman says she wants a nice relationship based on companionship and sex without necessarily the commitment she's considered to be a word I won't write here. Men do it but it's considered to be "just the way they are". We've come to accept that they can't commit and that sex is on top of their agenda. Not all men are like that but they reserve their commitment until they know that the woman is the "marrying kind".

It's a stupid game and one I'm glad I no longer have to play since I'm married but it just causes confusion for everyone. Both should be open about what they want from the beginning then there's no need for all the confusion, heart break and wondering.

AlienCG said...

I don't get drunk, but I still feel that I am quite honest in conversations. I have not been in a relationship for years so I am not qualified to answer the question.

Mrs. Hairy Woman said...

Guys only want one thing.. sex.. that's all.. most times I think they want to stay away from relationships... The odd few want the same things as us but they are few and far between.. nice drunken post btw..