Monday, May 26, 2008

Life's Such a Treat and It's Time You Taste It

Here's a picture of Libby's dog, licking it up.

Well, kids. It's the end of my glorious three day weekend and I'm trying to clean things up and get ready for the work day. What that means for all y'all, is that I'm posting some texts I've either sent or received before I delete them. If you've read one of these kinds of posts before, you'll recall that it's usually dirty and wrong and less attractive than Kiss without their make-up in the "Lick it Up" video. Remember, unless they're grouped together, these texts stand on their own and aren't attached to the one above or below. Ready? Okay!

1) Maybe he'll be back. Sometimes that happens and you wind up shaving in the Dublin bathroom! I might be back. S. keeps farting by me.

2.) He's makin tatr salad n chickn. So anything.

3.)This is an exchange.

1st Texter: Grassy Ass.

2nd texter: I love it when u speak Iowa Spanish.

1st texter: It makes me seem hotter don't u think?

4.) I have 20 new boyfriends. It must be bar close.

5.) Spayshul! U got cute boyz movin in next door.

6.) Good. I meant every word. Even if I did sound like Corky from "Life Goes On."

7.) This next exchange was the day after a drunk text from a boy at bar close who lives 5 hours from me and told me he was going to start driving to see me. After I reminded him that he probably was too drunk to drive, he told me he'd try to drive down the next day. I got this the next afternoon when he woke up with a belly full of shame:

Him: Needless to say but I won't be making it tonight. I'm hoping for a longer stay in the very near future. Promise.

Me: Ha ha. I kept waiting for you to get here 5 hours after u texted. Just kidding.

Him: I know u did... Liar.

8.) U were sexxxy with 3 xs.

9.) What's up douche?

10.) 1st texter: GW gave me shit that most of those pics were of u n me but she took most of them so I flipped that shit right back at her.

2nd texter: Ha ha! its not our fault that our dance moves are mesmerizing.

11.) I'll let u know when to start feeling shame - u've got a lot of making up to do in the slut arena. better do it now rathr than in the nursing home.

12.) I'm like a Paris Hilton porno shot in night vision in those pics. Ugh.


evil-e said...

That first couple about the shaving in the bathroom and the following text about he's making chicken and tater salad....too much information. I did not need to know that.

I used to have a lot of girlfriends at bar close as well. Oh that speed dating!!

Tara said...

Those are some intriguing text messages you've got there! It's a shame to delete them, but then that leaves room for more magic texting. :)

NoRegrets said...

You must have a keyboard? Lord, it'd take me so long to text some of those things! If I didn't have to pay for txt msgs I'd send you my cell # so I could get some txts.

-RM said...

They weren't so bad. Funny - yes, raunchy - not so much. I think I have some on my phone that can be considered straight up porn. Great idea though, I think I may just put up my texts so that I can delete them off my phone as well.

Poptart said...

is there away to like download the texts from your phone? Now that would be efficiency!

booda baby said...

11.) I'll let u know when to start feeling shame - u've got a lot of making up to do in the slut arena. better do it now rathr than in the nursing home. This qualifies as a life philosophy in my book.

laura b. said...

You are the funnest texter ever. I want to award you the golden keypad award for excellence. Yes, I am in charge of that.

Margaret said...

noooo! 3-day-weekends shouldn't end after 3 days

Churlita said...


Speed dating is an awesome term for it. Usually, by bar close, it's too late with me. It all seems too desperate...Unless it's something that has been cooking most of the night.


In my experience, there's always more magic texting.


I should get a keyboard. I got unlimited texting for the girls, but I've found it works really well for me as well.


Those were very censored. The worst (read: best) didn't make the blog.


I only know how to send pics to my email and that's because I have a daughter named Stinky to help me.

Booda Baby,

I know. They are words to live by.


I'm glad you have so much power in such things. Thanks.


I know. It's so sad.

Brando said...

Completely hilarious. LOL at Iowa Spanish.

Churlita said...


Thanks. You know you miss hearing Iowa Spanish. Admit it.

AlienCG said...

Should I be laughing, confused or frightened?