Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child

Here are some disembodied heads.

So, tomorrow is my last day to work this week. Then it is four, fabulous fun-filled days of birthday celebration for me. I know. It's not nearly enough time, but I'll try to make it work.

I have two more days of being the same age my mom as when she died, and then I will finally have moved on from that. Of course, my biggest fear in all of that was that I would die before my daughters turned 18. I know I talk about it all the time, but that's only because the thought terrifies me. Even if someone decent became their guardians, they wouldn't love them and understand them the way I do. You know? But we're getting close to that milestone too.

One thing that that "Motherless Daughters" book I read talked about, was the thing that many of us orphans who have children do. We try to make our youngins as independent at the earliest age possible. The book said to be careful of raising your kids to be orphaned, and it was so weird. I had no idea I was doing it, but I definitely was. I tried to calm down on that when the girls were younger and not make them learn how to balance a checkbook, order their own food in a restaurant and check the oil in the car by the time they were in kindergarten.

Now, I've noticed a different issue - I keep forgetting that I will be around to support Coadster when she turns 18. I didn't have that. I basically became an adult and had to figure everything out for myself. It's probably one of the many reasons I'm still not all that great at remembering to pay bills on time and all that other practical type stuff. For the last few months I've been stressing out about all the things I've forgotten to prepare Coadster for as an adult, as if I won't be around, but hopefully I will. If she has questions, she can just call me. If she's sick, she can whine to me over the phone, and if she finds herself short on cash at the end of the month, I sure as hell hope she has a rich friend, because I rarely have any money left then either. Just kidding. But I will be here for her. I don't know why that fact just occurred to me now. Duh.

11 comments:

em for mighty said...

ohhhh...is that what im doing? i never realized it either. but i pride myself on making them independent...

if you come to madison, i have a couple pictures for you to take (i am awful with a camera)...there is a car parked down the street with a head laying in the back window. & a house down the street with a life-sized statue of an unhappy looking indian (from india) woman in the yard that i just finally figured out is a statue.

Ananda girl said...

I like your photo.

Amazing how things affect us and we don't know it.

I don't know your mom's situation but with your running, you seem like a nice healthy person... I hope you are around for many decades to come! Your daughters are going to love that. Think of all the things coming up that your mom didn't see that you will... college graduation, marriages, grand kids... yay!

Happy Birthday! Which day is it?

another good thing said...

You go girl. Living- merely living- is the best revenge on a suckass world. Like us standing there smiling despite it all is one middle big finger to karma.
One of these days, we really need to sit down and have a beer.

dmarks said...

The bodies for the heads are probably incase in concrete below the neck.

laura b. said...

That is so interesting...I sometimes think I go to an opposite, but similar extreme. It never occurs to me I might not be around, so I think that has tended to make me remiss in preparing my kids for independence.

sissy said...

Your two older sisters are not in great physical condition but we are both relatively healthy and we are in our late forties and still kicking (and screaming. You take much better care of yourself. I would say you are going to live a very long time!

aliencg said...

You'll do well and Coadster will learn much from you. You will also be around for a very long time (just look both ways before crossing the road).

Disembodied heads are always fun to have around.

NoRegrets said...

No brain. But glad you realize you will be alive, the universe willing.

NoRegrets said...

that's me with no brain btw.

Churlita said...

Em,

Those pics sound awesome. There is some talk of the girls and I trying to camp at Devil's lake in August and we'll probably stop in Madison on the way there or back. I'll let you know.

Ananda,

My mom died of a stroke. She was in pretty good shape, but she had a lot of stress and smoked. I had her as a cautionary tale to keep me exercising and not smoking. I've just seen first-hand that you never know what will happen...

Another,

I'm down for that. Now, all we have to contend with is geography.

DMarks,

Oh, right. So, they aren't disembodied after all?

lauraB.,

I'm sure there's a happy medium somewhere. I've just always been prone to extremes. I bet we could learn a lot from each other.

Moy,

Yeah. But you know what I'm talking about. Anything can happen, and I tend to prepare for the worst case scenario.

AlienCG,

Look both ways? That's what I keep forgetting. Now, I'll remember for sure.

Nor,

Good to see you. I'm hoping to remain alive and trying to be better about planning for it too.

this new place said...

and just think, she could live with you forever!