Tell Me What They're Wearing This Year

Here are some snapdragons that are getting choked out, but still hanging on this late in October.

So, you know how sometimes Friday nights can be hectic? What with returning from work and then running for an hour and getting home with a thirty minutes to spare before all of your daughter's friends are supposed to come by and you still have to do a little cleaning and go to the grocery store, so you skip a shower? You hair has that whole frizz halo thing going on and you're wearing a pair of old faded jeans and a thermal that you must have spilled something on, but you don't change, because after all, you're in a two bedroom apartment with 15 eighth graders and it's so loud, that no one can see anyway.

The doorbell keeps ringing and more and more smelly teenagers enter. Finally, when the bell rings, your daughter yells, "Mommmm! Someone's here for you." Your first instinct might be to hide under your bed, but you go to the door, and there stands your good friend, fresh from NY with her husband. Your friend doesn't have any smelly teenagers, so she looks amazing. Her hair is all styled and highlighted and she's wearing the cutest plaid dress ever made, along with a pair of totally kick-ass boots. You expect to see some look of disappointment when she catches you looking like you've been wrestling hogs all day, but all she has is love and hugs and her amazing laugh.

You ask her how she found your place, and she apologizes for barging in, but she said she must have written your phone number down incorrectly, and she was so worried that she would miss you, if she didn't hunt you down. She and her husband went to the restaurant you suggested when you messaged over Myspace and then they went to a bar and asked the bartender if he knew a woman named Churlita. Of course, the bartender happened to be a guy named Brad, who, not only knew you, but could tell her how to get to your place.

After a half hour, you get to know her husband and are so happy that he seems really wonderful and in love with your friend. It always gives you hope to see that, especially when you know that your friend used to date the same kind of emotionally retarded guys that you have.

Then your other daughter calls and needs a ride for her and her friends from Blackstone where they were eating dinner, to another friend's house. You have to go, but you make plans to meet up for a drink the next night, and you know for damn sure, that you are going to clean-up and dress-up and defrizz and defunk yourself just for the occasion.

When Does it Stop, Where Do You Dare Me to Draw the Line?

Here is a fire hydrant on Market Street.

Boy, it got cooler on Wednesday and my body shut-down and went straight into hibernation mode. I didn't just not go running or leave my house, I tried not to really even move much at all. It was one of those nights where I put on the most giganticest pair of lounge pants and thermal shirt I could find, wrapped myself in blankets and drank a beer and watched the first part of a new mini series on HBO called Five Days. It's British, so the only actress I recognized was the woman who played the mom in Shaun of the Dead. So far it's really good. I just have to wait patiently for the next three installments. As you know, I'm not very good at that.

I got back to normal today. I ran after work and picked Stinky up and got stuff done before I played a little Halo 3. I still wanted to lie around and do nothing, though.

This weekend should be way busier than I want. Stinky asked if she could have kids over to watch movies and play video games for a couple of hours on Friday night. I told her it was fine, as long as they were all gone by nine.

On Saturday we're going down to the big zero (Ottumwa) to finally celebrate Stinky's birthday with my family and see my sister's new house. I'm so glad we have the iPod, so we won't be slaves to the radio and the girls and I can have a big sing-along to Duran Duran and Hall and Oates. You can quit being jealous right now, because I know you can't not sing to " I Can't Go For That"...No can do.

Hopefully, on Saturday night I'll hook-up with my friend M. who's supposed to be in from NYC. I haven't seen her in forever. When I worked at the business office at the hospital, she was working as some big wig's assistant at the NFL. She used to send me tons o' schwag. (the free logoed stuff, not the crappy weed) I'd get all kinds of great running paraphernalia and starter jackets for the girls when I was so broke I didn't know how I was going to pay my rent, let alone afford a pair of running shoes or tights. One time she was talking to me on the phone and said, "Oh, I gotta go. Jerry Jones is on the other line..." Honestly, I think I'm way more important than that joker, but her boss apparently didn't agree.

Sunday is a byweek for The Steelers, so I won't be watching football. Instead, I might have one of my many friends named Sara over for dinner. We live two blocks away from each other, and we've seen each other once since she moved back in August. How crazy is that?

Since you've read my blog before, you know the likelihood of any of these plans actually panning out, are very slim. The fun part for me, is seeing where I go and what I do instead.

Get Down Ladies You've Got Nothin' to Lose

I know I've mentioned several hundred times that I've never been lucky in love (yeah, I know - wank, wank, wank) but I've made up for it by having amazing friendships. In this post I'm not just going to tell you how awesome my friends are, I'm going to show you. This is also a post where I use the phrase, "not only" ad nauseam. I'll just go ahead and apologize for that now.

My friend A. lives in Texas and it makes me so sad. She has had to deal with me throughout both of my pregnancies. I've been told that I wasn't super bitchy while I was pregnant, but I was annoyingly spacey. If you know me, and think I'm ditzy in general, you would have hated me when I was knocked-up. Not only did A. live with me while I was pregnant with Coadster, she stayed with me during most of my labor with Stinky. She also has about the cutest boys to come out of Texas. If you thought your children were the most beautiful there were, you were wrong.

These two are the rightful owners of that title.

I've known my friend J. since we worked at The Mill together in the eighties. Not only did she coach me through the births of both my daughters, she also gave me some of her income tax refund, so I could afford to move away from my abusive ex-husband. Just so you don't think she's lost any of her awesomeness in the last ten years, here is an e-mail she just sent me this week:

Since I hadn't seen you in ages and then did, you invaded my dreams last night. You were pregnant, we were with other friends in an old hotel, kinda Shining-like, you went into labor and quickly had twins (Guadalupe and Lance???). Easy, quick deliveries (like Stinky - since I saw her too I guess). Very interesting. What do you think it means? :-)

J.

One of my many friends named Sara, just emailed to ask about a post that I wrote on the old blog and deleted in a fit of paranoia. I told her that it was gone, but that I saw her searching for words that were related to it on my site meter, and told her I was sad she didn't search for "rimming"(a private joke from years ago - believe me, you don't want to know). So, today she got on my blog, and not only used "rimming" as a search term, but also looked for: "scrotum", "delicious poops" and "wave like the bus driver". It made me laugh so hard in my cubicle, that I'm sure all my co-workers looked at each other, pointed to me and twirled their fingers around the sides of their heads, making the crazy lady sign.

On Saturday, my friend K. texted me this:

I have in my possession a size 4 skirt w/ yr name on it.

When I went over that night, not only did she and T. make me try it on, they both made a big point to tell me how cute my butt looked in it. I'm sure, they were probably being extremely charitable with their compliments because of all the wine they had been drinking, but I'll take them anyway I can get them.

The Afternoon Has Gently Passed Me By

Okay, kids. I've got some emails I really have to answer. To any of you I owe responses to, they're on their way, and sorry to be such a lame ass. So, in order to take care of business, I'm doing one of those mostly photo posts I haven't done in ages and ages. I've been so bad about going out and taking photos of weird crap in and out of town lately. It's something I'm going to try and make more time for. That pitchur takin' thing is embedded deep within my gene pool, and I just can't fight city hall.

So, this first one is of a daisy in my front yard. It's hard to see from the photo, but it is a mutant flower. There is a line of petals growing in the center, giving it a flohawk. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how much I love any version of mohawk.

This lovely vision is some snake roadkill I found on Clapp Street. Roadkill always reminds me of my brother-in-law. When the girls were younger and we'd go on road trips with my sister and her then beau, he would make a big point of showing them the dead things on the road by saying, "Hey, girls look at that raccoon. He sure looks tired..."

He also used to keep the girls from whining in the backseat, by cranking NPR anytime they asked, "How much sooner 'til we get there?" There's no faster way to shut-up a five year old, than the threat of having to listen to Car Talk.

Here I am once again obsessing about whatever the hell got caught in the drainage grate by my house.

Apparently, shadow me doesn't have any knees.

This is on Evans Street. It is the bridge over the creek that runs past my house. I guess I don't have much to say about this image but, um, there it is. Take a gander at the lovely Fall colors, why dontcha.

If You Don't Work Then You Don't Eat

This weekend it suddenly occurred to me that it was the middle of October and I hadn't really taken any Fall foliage shots. So, on Saturday when I was taking a little break from Coadster, I walked around the neighborhood and photographed some shit. Here are pretty leaves for my readers who don't live where they change color. Pretty, pretty.

Of all the many problems I do have, I'm eternally grateful that I don't have serious control issues. It seems almost everyday I have an idea of what might happen in my head, and then it all goes much differently than I had initially planned. Luckily, that kind of thing doesn't knock me to the ground in the fetal position, sucking my thumb. Although, don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things that do.

Today was another one of those, "figure out what the hell is going on and deal with it" days. As these things usually work, the end result was even better than I had anticipated. Me and another woman from my office were supposed to work in the recruitment area most of the day, but several people in our office called in sick and we were needed back at base camp. It was Monday and I wasn't in the mood to be perky and helpful and fun, so I was pretty happy that our time was cut to about two hours on the front lines.

Basically, we got down to the union and I talked to my favorite IT guy about video games and he, like everyone else, told me I should play BioShock. I told him I knew, but I was already saving up for Guitar Hero 3 and I could barely afford that. Then he got really excited and told me about another game called Rock Band, but it requires that you buy all these instruments too. I told him, I'd have to sell one of my kids to get that, and if he had mentioned it to me two hours before Homecoming last Saturday, I probably would've offered Coadster up to the highest bidder.

The rest of our time was spent taking people on tours of the dorms and answering questions and then we went to lunch at one of the dorms. Dorm food is sooooo much different than when I went to school. You can get pretty much whatever you want and it's good. One of the student tour guides who was VERY conventionally attractive, showed me and the other woman I was with, the hidden dining area they reserved for the honors students. He sat with us and told us all about his days working at Disney World. He had some great stories. He said he used to have to do the voice of Kermit the Frog, so of course, I made him do it for us. I have to say, I was pretty impressed. The conventionally attractive student and I directed parents and students to different places and answered questions and talked a bunch of shit before it was time to get back to work. I was back in the office before one, the afternoon just flew by, and I only had to be perky for a couple of hours. Sweet, sweet and sweet.

Don't Surround Yourself With Yourself

Here is Coadster with her friends, ever flashing gang signs. They must forget that they live in Iowa.

This weekend was pretty awesome too. I kind of like starting every Sunday post that way. I hope I can keep it up.

Friday night was me getting some much needed alone time. I still had to do some cleaning, and I had to give Q.'s interview questions all the time they deserved, but then I just putzed around and probably muttered to myself.

Here are her two best friends from junior high. I kind of miss seeing those girls hanging out in my living room and eating all my food.

After my haircut and my run, the rest of Saturday afternoon was devoted to meeting all of Coadster's Homecoming needs. Stinky and I tag teamed helping her get ready. We love her to death, but Coadster can be kind of a handful when she's stressed.

I had this plan that after the girls were dropped off at all their endeavors, I'd have a little staying in date with myself. So, when we went to Hy-Vee to buy a flower for Coadster's date, I picked myself up a six-pack. As we were heading to the register, a guy handing out wine samples asked, "Hey young lady, do you want a Jello shot?" Since I was with my two teenage daughters, I figured he was trying to be funny, so I asked him if he was serious, and he uncovered this container full of Jello shots. What the hell? When did they start giving out free Jello shots at the grocery store? I had to decline, because it was only three and I knew if I did one, I'd be asleep by four.

After I went to Coadster's best friend's house to take photos of all the kids, I stopped off at my friend K.'s house. She and T. were drinking wine. I was just going to stop by for a sec, and then order some Chinese take-out and go home and drink my beer and watch movies and play video games and do whatever else I wanted to do, but then my plans changed for the better. K. suggested we go to George's for beer and cheeseburgers, and what kind of idiot would say no to that? We only went down for an hour or so, and I was home by 10. Perfect.

I was just starting to play some video games, when Coadster called and asked if she could take the controllers over to their after-dance party. So, I was forced to watch a movie instead. I watched The Queen. I wasn't sure if I'd be into it, because I never got into the whole Princess Di hub bub, but it was actually pretty good.

This is Coadster and her date. Sorry it's a little dark.

Today was more football watching at The Vine. Our friend C. couldn't make it, because his grandmother died. They were pretty close, so I felt bad for him. The game was great, the Steelers won, and the other guys who watch football with us were a constant source of amusement.

The best thing about today, was that my friend K. called me later this afternoon to see if I would be her date to see Drive-By Truckers at The Englert Theater on October 19th with Dexter and his lovely lady, S. She had originally planned to go with this one guy, and as she puts it, she doesn't like him anymore. So, I'm the lucky girl now.

I know this is way too damn long, but I want to say one more thing. It's Columbus Day tomorrow, and apparently no one in Iowa celebrates it, but everyone in the Chicago area does. So, I will be away from my desk most of the day trying to sell our particular institution to several hundred parents and their high school aged children. I promise I will still try to read all of your kick-ass blogs when I get home, I just won't be able to check in until then. Pray for me.

I've Been Held Back By Something

Kids, I really tried hard to find a bug to photograph today for Evil-E's photo scavenger hunt, but it was hectic and I didn't have a lot of time. This pic I took of our garden last year, while lame because a moth isn't really a bug, will have to suffice.

Now, on to me fulfilling my promise. I got my hair cut today at a real live salon for the first time since I was seventeen. Back then, the woman in Ottumwa didn't know how to cut curly hair and she tried to layer it, and long story short, I left there crying. This time was so much better. They offered me something to drink, but I said, no thanks, because I didn't know how that all worked, and I figured it was best to keep it simple. The woman who cut my hair was really cool. She had curly hair too and knew just how to cut it. She straightened it so she could be sure to see all the thousands and millions of split ends and eradicate them.

Since my hair doesn't look all that much different than it did before - except it's not quite so damaged now, I have posted some photos of the results. Ready?

Here is me trying to be serious, but I forgot to turn the fan off, so it blew my hair all around my face. If I had been thinking, I would have turned around and finally done my Stevie Nicks impersonation that I spoke of in an earlier post.

Oh, and I do realize that I don't exactly possess one of those even, all over tans. I have an unseemly, runner's tan. On the plus side, I also don't have a strangely orange hue and I haven't cooked my insides like someone who uses a tanning bed.

Like everything else respectable that I try to do, this little photo shoot turned into a complete dork fest. Here is me making my monster face. My girls really loved this one when they were about three. Now, they just say, "Mom. Stop."

And this was supposed to be my fish face, but I had to use my hands to hold the camera, so I couldn't use them to put on each side of my face to make fins. Damn it.

I did take these on my bed, but all you can really see of it, are the purple sheets that Stinky said I should buy.

When I Was Three, I Thought the World Revolved Around Me. I Was Wrong.

Here is a man who is wearing an umbrella as a hat. He must be very practical and not at all worried what people think about him.

So, here it is. I have finally relented to answering some interview questions. This meme has been making the rounds all Summer and I've been avoiding it, because memes go against my self-diagnosed oppositional defiance disorder. Plus, I don't have a lot of time to follow the rules. But after I read Q's answers to his interview questions, I knew his own questions for me would be amazing. Like every other meme, I'm just doing to the part I like and not offering to think up questions to ask anyone else. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I'm that damn lazy. So, hold on to your hats, this could be a bumpy, dirty, extremely inappropriate ride. I can't wait.

1. My skills with sculpting silly putty into large red vaginas are known far and wide, but I have now turned my attention to sculpting with butter. Immortalizing you into a curdled milk masterpiece is next on my agenda, what pose do you choose for me to sculpt you in and what exactly are you wearing?

It's funny you should ask. I actually used to model for art classes when I was in college and then about two years ago, a guy who lives on one of my running routes, asked me to model for a drawing group. Since I had just turned forty, and figured it would be the last time anyone would pay me to take my clothes off, instead of paying me to keep them on, I did it. So, I'm over getting nehkkid for art, I think if I were going to be sculpted in butter, I would wear a French maids uniform and stand in some kind of finger wagging, toe tapping, scolding pose. Does that work for you?

2. The soundtrack of my life consists of two songs “Cum on Feel the Noise” and “Closer”, what songs would appear on your soundtrack?

Since I've lived many lives, I would need more songs than just two. Here's how my soundtrack would line-up:

a. Childhood, before my mom died - "The Grand Illusion" by Styx

b. After my mom died and we moved in with my crazy and abusive Aunt and Uncle moving from Arizona to Chicago - this would be a combination of two songs - "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns n Roses" and "Luka" by Suzanne Vega. So, maybe if you could put the lyrics to "Luka" with the music from "Jungle", it would match my life back then. Scary, I know.

c. My college years - "Rebel Rebel" by David Bowie.

d. My California years - "Party Girl" by U2

e. After my divorce when I was working 2 jobs to pay for my girls to be in daycare and I lived above a bar because it was all I could afford - "My Brain is Hanging Upside Down" by The Ramones.

f. The last few years - "Everything's Coming Our Way" by Santana. It sounds really optimistic at first, until you look closer at what "everything" could encompass.

3. During the night some magical gypsies exchange our brains, meaning that you are now in my body and I am in yours. This change is not permanent but we are not sure when the exchange back will take place. We know that all I am going to do is take hot steamy showers and make naughty films with Fringes. What would you do in/with mine?

First I'd take a few hours to get used to all the blood being diverted from my brain and sent to my penis instead. Then I'd spend some time adjusting myself and scratching my balls. After that, since it's too warm for snow, I'd go out and buy some crushed ice so I could spread it on the ground and pee my name into it. What else do penis bearing members do? Oh, I know - I suppose at some point during the day, I'd have to watch some porn, so I could make sure my new equipment was fully functional.

4. My personal memoirs are titled “Cold Popcorn/Hot Sex”, what is the title of your memoirs? And how awesome do you make me sound in them?

Mine would be titled "Hey! Shit. Wait. Whoops!: Portrait of a Spaz" and since I've never met you in person before, you would have a very prominent role in them. You would play the hott blogger guy that all the blogger chicks want to get with, but we all know it's impossible since you have the sexiest blogger girlfriend around. It would be all about my sad, unrequited love for both Q and Fringes and how I spend all of my days watching the naughty films you guys made when we exchanged bodies. There. Is that awesome enough?

5. Walking up to a woman and sticking my hand in their back pocket is my most effective pickup line, what is the best pickup line anyone has used on you?

Oh man, I can only pick one? Well, you're getting at least two anyway.

Once in the late eighties I was at a bar called The Foxhead and I'm sure I looked like I listened to a certain kind of music. Some guy walked up to me and said, "Hey. You know, I really like alternative music..."

I think I said something totally sarcastic like, "Oh my god! Really? Me too! We should totally have sex." I just remember he told me I was mean.

More recently, I was walking downtown, when some teenage, Emo boy asked, "Can you spare some change...And your phone number?" Really, nothing makes a girl feel more special than when a guy panhandles her first and then hits on her.

Oh, My, My. Oh, Hell, Yes. Honey, Put On That Party Dress

Here is a windmill peeking through some trees.

Ahhhhhhh. It's almost Friday, which is almost the weekend. I can almost relax and all I have to do is get through one stinkin', measly, eight hour work day. I should be able to do almost anything for eight hours, right? Please feel free to remind me of that throughout the day. Thank you.

So, this is the high school homecoming weekend. Coadster has her dress, and shoes and I just cut and layered her hair a little. All that's left is for me and Stinky to curl her hair and slap some make-up on her and drop her off at her pre-dance party on Saturday. Oh yeah, I'll have to take some photos of her and the boy and say lots of dorky and embarrassing things just to see exactly how hard she can roll her eyes. Maybe I'll even get a "God, Mom!" Out of her. That would totally be icing.

I finally made an appointment to have my hair cut and styled (whatever that means) this Saturday afternoon. Here's what I'll promise you, if I think it looks okay, or if it looks so bad it's funny, I'll be sure and post some photos of the finished product. If it just looks dork-ass but not in that funny way, like when I was in junior high and I tried to feather my hair but it wasn't the right kind for that, so my bangs just curled up and my brother called me gutter head. If it looks like that? Y'all are shit out of luck at getting to see a picture.

I have no idea what I'm doing this weekend. I know the girls are both going to the game and Stinky is sleeping over at a friend's house and Coadster is going to IHOP - apparently, that's where they hang now. I guess it's better than hanging out at a kegger on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere like we did in high school.

Okay, then. I'm off before I get all excited and tell you I beat Stinky's high score in Centipede by over 4,000 points tonight.

Adorable Illusion and I Cannot Hide

Here is a picture of a big (ahem) rooster.

So, I know I said I've been kicking around the idea of dating again. I guess what that means for me, is that one day I think I'll be able to make the effort, and the next it seems too overwhelming and I'm pretty sure I'd be happier just staying home and doing my own thing. It's a huge understatement to say that I haven't had the best luck with men. I am very willing to look at my part in not only getting in, but staying in really stupid and lame situations. To that end, my friends have been good at helping me figure out what I'm doing wrong. Because they are my friends, and because they really care about me, they tell me exactly what they think. Here are some of my friends' observations from the last six months or so.

This first part is an e-mail transaction from my friend GW one day at work.

GW: Hey, A. (her boyfriend) and I were just talking, and we've decided that maybe you shouldn't be allowed to pick your own boyfriends. Don't take this the wrong way, but you know you haven't made the best decisions in the past.

Me: I know. The thing is, that these guys all seem to present themselves one way at first, and then once I'm hooked, they all suddenly change everything they originally said. And so I keep waiting for the nice guy who told me he wanted to be in a relationship to come back. I guess I've always been a sucker for false hope...

GW: Maybe you just need someone around to remind you to run and don't look back at whatever point the guy starts airing out his crazy around you.

On another day, I was relating that e-mail message to my friend Kris. I told her that I thought there was some validity in what GW said, but a few years ago, I let my best friend set me up with a guy and he turned out to be the most abusive man of all.

Kris: That's because your best friend is a man, and most guys just choose the hottest girls they think they can get without worrying about whether they'll be compatible or smart or sane. You need your girlfriends to hook you up, because they'll look for someone you might actually be able to have a relationship with. Seriously, you are generous and conscientious to a fault and you're fun too. You deserve to be with someone who isn't too stupid to appreciate you.

My friend A. told me that it seemed to her that I didn't think I could date someone nice and normal. In my defense, I do think I could date someone nice, if only I could find a guy like that. I agree with her that I don't know if I could date someone totally normal. I know I'm weird and a guy who didn't have any quirks wouldn't get me and I wouldn't get him and I'd probably be bored fairly quickly. One of my many friends named Sara said that there were two ways for a guy not to be boring, one was to be fun and strange and have his own interests, the other was to be difficult, and that I had a hard time distinguishing between the two. I'll give her that. It's hard to know where quirky ends and where crazy begins sometimes.

So, after all this, my new bed and blankets and jammies and TV and XBox are looking pretty good. Say, wasn't I talking about going to therapy a while back?

You Ball Like The Baby in Eraserhead

Here is a picture of a dirty old wash tub.

Today was kind of funny in that weird and/or nerve-racking way. Because we live in Iowa, we are at the mercy of the elements. Today the elements decided to fuck with us. So, all my plans from yesterday totally fell through, which was still fine. I got off work and couldn't run because it was all rainy and I really didn't want to leave my house anyway. Coadster's powder puff game got canceled and Stinky didn't have anything going on either. It was the first night in about a hundred millions years that we were all home at the same time all night. I couldn't think of one thing to make for dinner, so I asked the girls if they were okay with ordering a pizza from The Wedge. Because they are in high school, they are always okay with ordering a pizza. My friend K. invited me over to her place for a bit, but I declined because I wanted to spend some time with the girls. Later, I was very glad I did.

I still wasn't sure if I was going out later in the evening so I decided to take a bath to wash the stink of the office off of me, just in case. I was in the tub for about five minutes before Coadster flung the door open to tell me that I jinxed us. Apparently, there was a tornado warning and it was headed our way again. If you don't already know my history with tornadoes and bathing, you can read a post from my old blog here. We had a few tense moments before the storm finally passed and many phone calls from friends and family checking in. I won't gush on about how hard my friends and family rock, because I've said it a million times and I'm sure you all get it. Needless to say, I didn't end up going out with my girlies. The rest of the night was spent geeking out in my happy, happy, tornado free, comfort zone.

So, now how's about we talk about boys to divert our attention away from potential natural disasters. Today when I was carrying my little red basket to go across the street to give stuff and get stuff from another office, I saw one of the young boys who hit on me at a show a while back. I'm usually good at doing what my friend Ondine calls the Iowa City stare, where you fix your gaze at a point furthest away from the person and pretend you don't see them, but he was heading straight toward me so there was no way to avoid him. I think I told you about this kid, he was the one who made a big point to tell me he was writing a novel. It was all I could do at the time to restrain myself from saying, "Yeah. You and everyone else in this town."

I have nothing against him. Yes, he was a little pissy to me because I didn't take him up on his very generous offer to hook-up, but he was drunk and in his early twenties. If everyone judged me on the mistakes I made when I was young and trashed, I would be shunned by the community and made to live in an abandoned shack in the middle of a corn field somewhere. It was just awkward at first. As we passed, we looked at each other and gave each other an embarrassed smile and then went on our ways - no harm, no foul.

Okay. I have one last thing to write. It has nothing to do with the rest of my post, but it's funny and as you know, I'm not above using my self-diagnosed ADD as an excuse for anything I want. The other day, a friend who I won't identify and I were talking about boys and sex. Weird...Or not. We were discussing having drunk sex, and my friend was saying that it always seemed like a good idea before you did it, but then once you were in the middle, you would be too tired and stupid to focus and just want to ask the person, "Hey, could you turn into a pizza instead? Oh wait. Could you get off me first and then turn into a pizza?" Amen.

Choking On the Ashes of Her Enemy

Here are a bunch of cute little puppies and kittens hanging from their necks.

Tonight was my down night and boy did I do some serious relaxing. I won't even detail all the geeky lame stuff I did. You know how sometimes I set really big goals for myself? Well, tonight my goal was to be in my jammies by seven and I'm proud to say I made it. I got lucky by running into my landlord on my way home from work, so I could hand him the rent check right then. At least I didn't have to drive it over to his house after I got home from work. With me, it's not so much doing whatever it is I'm supposed to do, it's remembering to do it.

Tomorrow Coadster is playing in the powder puff football game. I think it's kind of a ridiculous name for a girl contact sport. If you remember high school at all, you know that teenage girls are rarely powdery or puffy. Most of the girls in my high school could be straight up vicious, which is exactly why I usually chose to hang out with guys.

Rumor has it, that a friend of mine who lives a little bit on the outskirts of Iowa City will be in town tomorrow night. A bunch of girls might meet for sushi and then go to the Picador to hear music. Because of Coadster's game, I probably won't make it for dinner, but I'm thinking of at least doing a cameo appearance at the bar. I don't normally go out late on a work night, but I would love to see my friend again. We had so much fun at T.'s birthday dinner. I'm also thinking that having a beer or two with my friends before bed, just might help me get to sleep before 2. Wish me luck.

Twitching Like a Finger On TheTrigger Of A Gun

Here is a photo of the girls before they left for the wedding. I hope you like Coadster's dress. You're going to see it in pictures again next week for Homecoming.

Today was another beautiful day. I keep thinking that every weekend will be the last nice one, and then there's always more. I'm not complaining. I love warm weather and I was able to run six days this week. It's just that my body is ready for a little rest, and I won't go into hibernation mode until it starts getting a little cooler outside.

I only caught a little bit of the Steelers game today. When we first got to The Vine, there were still tons of Bears fans hanging out. Yes, I do consider myself a Bears fan, but unfortunately, that game was lost before it started. None of our guy friends showed up, but since we were the only Steeler fans with a table, we let a bunch of people I'd never met before sit with us and there was much bemoaning of the how bad the Hawkeyes suck this year too. I guess all that's left for me to say at this point is, go Cubs!

At 4:30 I dashed over to the Bijou to meet my other friends to watch King of Kong:A Fistful of Quarters. It was actually pretty good. If you ever want to feel really sane and not at all nerdy in comparison, you should go see this movie. I know I can be weirdly obsessive about shit, but I'm too lazy to be totally OCD like the one guy in this film.

The other weird thing about it, was that they showed a lot of footage from the video game olympics in Ottumwa in 1982. It was really strange to see the town the way it was when I was in high school. I hardly ever go downtown when I go back to visit, and it doesn't look like it used to anyway. It brought back some memories, looking at the inside of the video game arcade where I used to hang out and spend all my detasseling money and seeing the movie theater where my sister worked for several years, exactly the way it used to look.

The rest of the evening, I actually did boring practical things and got caught in a huge downpour and thunderstorm while bringing in groceries from my car.

Did You See Any Action? Did You Make Any Friends?

Here is me playing the photo game from Evil-E's blog, Random Crap. The word was "fall". So, this was taken last Fall of some fallen leaves.

Today was kind of excellent. I finally got some real sleep - almost ten hours to be exact. Nice. After I got up and actually moved, Stinky and I went downtown so she could cash some birthday checks. It was a little before noon and the downtown area was insane with Homecoming kids. There was a lot of black and then even more gold and I almost got drunk from huffing the fumes that came off of almost everyone who walked by me.

I helped the girls get ready for their cousin's wedding. I was invited but opted not to go, because it was my ex-husband's family. While I love many of his family members, it always feels kind of weird being around everyone and blah and blah. I wouldn't mind it one bit if my kids wanted to bring me some sopa back, however.

I went running after the girls left and it was windy and around eighty degrees and I think I could easily have continued for half the day. My iPod is funny because it tends to play certain songs over and over again, and others not so much. Today though, it brought up some music I hadn't heard in forever. The Knack's "My Sharona", Head East's "Never Been Any Reason" and my two favorite Van Halen songs besides "Runnin' With the Devil" - "Jamie's Crying" and "Dance the Night Away" all came on. It took me right back to Summer in junior high when I lived in Alsip, Illinois, and I would listen to WLS on the radio when I weeded the garden and sigh a little bit about a boy named Robert DiGregorio.

In the afternoon, my friend K. called to see if I wanted to join her, T. and our friend Ashley and her beautiful baby to walk her dogs in Hickory Hill Park. Hell yes, I did. We were still laughing about the other night when Ashley and K. and I were walking home from a show and were getting harassed by some guys who told us they were Marines. My friend Ashley, who is very tall and very gorgeous told them they looked too short to be Marines and then threatened to kick their asses if they didn't leave us alone. K. and I would totally have had her back, if they hadn't wisely crossed the street and finally shut their pie holes.

Around five'ish I traveled to an Iowa City suburb for a BBQ at my friend S.'s house. Her boyfriend excellently cooked us steaks and so I got to eat and then drink and watch a movie and talk shit. What more could a girl want?

Tomorrow, I'm going to do some stuff that even after a couple of beers, I know is bad planning for a Sunday afternoon and evening. At three I'll meet some kids at The Vine for more football viewing and then I'll leave that early to go see King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters at the Bijou with another friend of mine named S. and her husband J.. It's a documentary about two guys trying to break records on Donkey Kong. In the Apple trailer, they even show a snippet of filming that photo I put up on here from when Ottumwa was in Life magazine for the video game olympics in the early eighties. I like movies, I like video games, so a movie about video games should be the best thing ever, right?

And Your Destination, You Don't Know It

Here are very many tomatoes.

Well kids, I'm beat. My mission tonight is to get as much sleep as possible. Earlier in the evening, my mission was to avoid going downtown at any cost. Neither of the girls went to the Homecoming parade or to the free Three Dog Night concert that followed. Coadster went to Dubuque to watch the high school football game and Stinky went to the movies.

I drove over to my friend K.'s house where she and our friend T. were knitting what I thought looked like the beginnings of thongs, but they both assured me they were going to be washcloths and watching whatever crap was being served up on network television. There wasn't much selection, so we settled on wrestling. Who doesn't watch wrestling while they knit?

Earlier in the day, as I walked downtown surveying all the preparations for the parade, the guys who were setting up the big stage were cranking Roxy Music's Avalon. I think the reason that album cracks me up so much, is that almost every woman I know of a certain age (read: old) has probably had some cheese ball guy try to seduce her to that in the eighties.

After I came home from picking Stinky and her friends up from the movies, I played some Halo 3. At one point, Coadster called me to tell me she and her friends were back from Dubuque and were eating at IHOP. I quickly tried to turn the volume on the TV down so she couldn't hear the voices from my game saying, "Die demons!", but then all her guy friends wanted to tell me hi over her phone, and I finally gave myself away by telling them I had to go or I was going to get shot. They all had a good laugh at my expense and my guy died anyway. The end.

Heard it From a Friend Who, Heard it From a Friend Who

Here is a cute little pony.

Well kids, I'll just warn you that I'm feeling a little random tonight. Who knows where the hell we'll go in this post. This was a total ADD evening and I'm still going with it. I had a little time to kill after work while I charged my iPod, so I played a few quick games of Centipede. Then after I ran, I picked Stinky up at the junior high and we grabbed food and came home. I remembered that I had to get a few things at the store, so I ran there and back. I received a text message in there somewhere from my friend K. saying she and some others were at the Dublin, but they were coming out right as I was getting there. They were headed to someone's house for a bit, but I didn't think I had it in me to hang out and not be fidgety, so I went home and washed some dishes and then messed around downloading and organizing songs on my computer. Yeah, so please pass the Ritalin.

The IT people cleaned up my computer today. While that was going on, I had to sit at the empty desk next to my friend John. He can't hear very well, so if you speak to him and he's not sure what you're saying he makes fun of you, and says, "Ack, ack, ack, ack?" Like it's your problem for not speaking clearly. It reminded me of this guy from Nicaragua I worked with at a restaurant that I not so affectionately called La Caca. One time the Nicaraguan guy was trying to sing an REO Speedwagon song, but he didn't understand the lyrics, so he sang it, "Fummalumma friend who, fummalumma friend who, fummalumma another you been messin' around..." I loved it so much, that whenever anyone says something I can't make out, I say, "Fummalumma?" It made me curious if everyone does this, or if it's just the weirdos I know.

In the afternoon after my computer was all cleaned up and I could move back to my desk, I realized that I kind of missed the sicko ads that had been popping up. After two days of my imaginary friends from the internets flashing me pictures of their nether regions, just sitting at my desk and actually doing my job, felt kind of lonely and boring.

Okay, now I'm going to try this new thing where I get more than five hours of sleep tonight. I thought about taking cold medicine if I couldn't fall asleep again tonight, but then I remembered how stoopid it makes me for much of the next morning. Instead, I thought I'd try to remember what it felt like at about three o'clock at work today and I figure that should put me right on out.

The Words She Knows, The Tune She Hums

Here is Coadster with a friend at Homecoming last year. This is one of the few times I've seen her wear make-up besides show choir. That's okay, Stinky wears enough for all of us.

My sleep deprivation is getting the better of me. I woke up at 4 this morning with a terrible migraine. So, I'm extremely slow on the uptake and I will try to make this as short as possible.

My computer at work is full of viruses and frightening ads keep popping up on my screen. I would be a little embarrassed to have some of those images showing up on my computer in the privacy of my own home, but at work, it's especially unseemly. Porn and a state job aren't exactly two great tastes in one candy bar, if you know what I mean.

The last few weeks I actually had a social agenda, but this week I got nuthin', and that's okay too. I'm always up for going out and having fun, but I'm also down with hanging out at home and geeking-out. I like to look at it as win-win either way. It is Homecoming for the University this weekend, and Three Dog Night is playing after the parade on Friday night. Coadster loves Three Dog Night. Yes, she's fifteen, but I'm her mom and the poor girl has been exposed to all different kinds of cheese. So, yeah. I'll throw a few more bucks in her therapy fund just to appease my guilt for that one too.

Homecoming for high school is next week, and Coadster just agreed to go with the guy who asked her. She's known the boy forever because when his mom and I were in college, we worked at this groovy, organic, vegetarian restaurant called The Farmer's Market and Bakery. It was on Linn Street and both of us lived in the apartments above it. We'd go upstairs for "smoke breaks" and come back to work so much more relaxed. After we had kids, we'd see each other at the park or the library or wherever.

Once when Coadster and the boy were three, they were playing at College Green Park, and the boy asked Coadster if she wanted a knuckle sandwich. She was hungry and so she said, "Sure." What she got, was a knock on the top of her head. Now that I think about it, maybe I'll suggest she not go out to dinner with him before the dance.

Floatin' Around I'm a Real Low Mind

Here is a photo of some tackle hanging up in a barn.

First I want to clarify yesterday's post. I wasn't trying to say it was the man's responsibility to pay for everything. Hell, I'm a modern girl. I was just saying that it would be refreshing if I didn't have to pay for everything, and that it was a very nice gesture on T.'s friend's part. I believe that relationships, or friendships for that matter, should be equitable and reciprocal and both people should be conscientious and thoughtful and honest and there should be rainbows and daisies and unicorns and cute little puppies running around everywhere. I'm not even kidding, that really is what I believe and it's the reason I probably shouldn't try to date.

Okay, on to the next thing. Last week, when one of Coadster's guy friends found out we got an XBox, he asked, "So, when did you get a little brother?" Then when I was talking to my best friend B., he mentioned that his wife played video games. Later, when we were all hanging out at George's, I asked her why she never mentioned that before.

"Well, it's not the kind of thing you just admit to," she said. So, apparently there is a bit of a stigma attached to being a mom who plays video games. I used to run a chainsaw for a living when I was on The Salmon Restoration Project in Humboldt County, California and I was a line cook for many years too. Luckily for me, I could give a rat's ass what people think is appropriate behavior for a woman or a person of a certain age. I do what I like (and try not to hurt anyone else) and I like to read comic books and play video games and run for many miles to relieve stress. Hell, while we're at it, I'll just go ahead and admit to being a music hoarder as well. I would jam every song in the world into my iPod if they made one that big. I never know what I'll want to listen to from one minute to the next and as I've said before, I pretty much like everything. Plus, it's hilarious to put it on shuffle and have Christopher Cross' "Sailing" wedged in between N.W.A.'s "Fuck the Police" and Pig Destroyer's cover of "Down in the Street".

Okay, so now some of my weirdness is out there in the open, I'd love it if we could all move on. I just hope I can keep dodging all my daughter's male friend's inquiries to get my XBox live profile name so they can say the kicked someone's mom's ass in Halo 3.

With Some It's Just As Well

Here is some sand art from the State Fair. I think you know how much I love kitschy art and sand art is rivaled only by decoupage in kitschiness.

So, I guess I'm on a roll with these bar conversation posts.

On Friday night I met some friends out at the Dublin Underground. They just happened to be sitting at a table with Chester. If you've ever lived in Iowa City, chances are, you've seen Chester. He works at Iowa Book and Crook and he's another Iowa City action figure. He is nothing, if not entertaining, so much so, that my friend Ed Gray wrote a song about him. Anyway, I got to the table, and reintroduced myself. He said, "I know you. You used to work at The Mill and you are somehow related to L. Is your name, Mary Anne?"

"No, it's Churlita, and I used to be married to L."

"Oh. Oops," Chester said. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me too," I said, cracking myself up. And that there was another situation where one of my ex-boyfriends would tell me it was a good thing I was there to laugh at my own jokes. Hey, if I don't, no one else will. Thank god for me.

Around 10:30, I had to take off for a minute to go get Stinky and take her home. When I got back, all my friends were at the Picador to see some bands. I finally got to meet my friend T.'s new friend and he is just about perfect. I went to order a drink and he stopped me. "What are you having? I'm buying."

"For real? What planet did you say you were from?" I asked in shock and awe.

"I'm from St Louis, why?"

"Because all the men we know in this town, expect us to pay for them."

It was right about at that point when a big gaggle of guys I used to work with at a now defunct establishment called Great Midwestern, (it was where 126 is now) showed up. I'm Myspace friends with their band, but I hadn't seen some of them in a few years. I was talking about it with a guy named J. and he said,

"Actually, I see you running all over town."

"Really? Then how's come you never honk or say hi?"

"Who's to say I haven't, but that you just ignored me and kept on running?" J. countered.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry. I just get all high and spaced out when I run." Man, I've been getting called on my shit a lot lately. Maybe I should start thinking before I speak....Nah.

Once the last band started playing, I was tuckered out and ready to give my friend K. a ride home. We talked about the lack of relationship material in any of the guys we knew and seriously thought about making a pilgrimage to St Louis - the mythical land where men actually pay for things. I also suggested that although I wouldn't be in a serious relationship with any of them, there were a few guys that I might think about making out with. We joked about going on Make Out Quest 2007. Then K. thought we should make a video game out of it. We could choose weapons with which to fight off all the demon, user guys, on our way to the totally hot, totally deserving make out king. When we told our friend C. about it the next day, he thought it sounded like a great game as long as he could be the goal.

All We Do Is Live to Win

I was going to put Coadster's school photo up when we got it, but apparently, according to Coadster, it was just too hideous and no one could see it. I thought it was really cute, but I remember being fifteen and I'm sure if I told her that, the horror of her mom saying her "hideous" picture was cute, might cause her to have a seizure. So, we are allowed to show you this one from the last football game with her friends.

I had a really good weekend. I ran a lot and the weather was amazing for that. I went out to a couple of different drinking establishments on Friday night and had a blast. On Saturday night I hosted Stinky's birthday party and it was surprisingly low key - except when the teenagers swarmed my house like locusts and ate and drank everything in my fridge.

As we were all getting ready to go home on Friday night, we wisely decided to skip the Guitar Hero thing at the Bijou. We figured we were all too lame to leave our houses after ten o'clock. Today I met my friends at The Vine for more Steelers watching. Originally, I thought I'd write about our Friday night exploits, but now I think I'll save that for tomorrow and write about football watching tonight, while I'm still kind of remembering our conversations.

This whole watching football on Sunday with my friend K. and some of our cute, funny male friends, is quickly becoming my new favorite thing. I'm even meeting some of the other guys outside of our table and they're really nice too. At one point, a man at the bar said, "Enough of this Tom Foolery, let's just start passing the ball."

"Excuse me. Did you just say 'Tom foolery' in reference to a football game?" I asked.

"Uh, yeah. I guess you don't hear that phrase very often any more do you?" He said and looked all sheepish.

"And that's why it's awesome. I think we should all try to say that at some point this afternoon." Of course, we all forgot about two seconds later, but I loved that it was said at all.

My friend C. came into town the night before and was on hand for the game. At one point, he started in on one of his favorite rants about how friends shouldn't ever date other friend's exes and he has reasons for this rant, but we all know his take on it by now, so I felt like I had to call him on his shit.

"This town is so small and incestuous, that if we didn't date our friend's exes, then we may not have anyone to date at all."

"That's bullshit. There's plenty of other people. I've never dated any of my friend's exes. I'm a man of principles," C. said.

"Okay Mr. Man of Principles, I dated a friend of yours. You mean to tell me that if I asked you to go home with me and have sex, you would say no because of your strong loyalties?" C. started to say something, stopped and quickly started talking about something else. "Oh no. Don't change the subject. I want to hear what you'd do." I knew C. well enough, to know that he'd figure out a way to rationalize being able to have sex with someone somehow, I was just curious to see what he'd say.

"Oh, well...Okay. That doesn't count because you guys only dated for a few months and he didn't really care about you anyway." Shit. I hate it when he pulls that card.

"Yeah. You're right. I guess that doesn't count. I was stupid and let myself get played."

"Good. I'm glad you said it, so I didn't have to."

"You know I'm not going home with you, right?" I asked.

"I know."