Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Adorable Illusion and I Cannot Hide

Here is a picture of a big (ahem) rooster.

So, I know I said I've been kicking around the idea of dating again. I guess what that means for me, is that one day I think I'll be able to make the effort, and the next it seems too overwhelming and I'm pretty sure I'd be happier just staying home and doing my own thing. It's a huge understatement to say that I haven't had the best luck with men. I am very willing to look at my part in not only getting in, but staying in really stupid and lame situations. To that end, my friends have been good at helping me figure out what I'm doing wrong. Because they are my friends, and because they really care about me, they tell me exactly what they think. Here are some of my friends' observations from the last six months or so.

This first part is an e-mail transaction from my friend GW one day at work.

GW: Hey, A. (her boyfriend) and I were just talking, and we've decided that maybe you shouldn't be allowed to pick your own boyfriends. Don't take this the wrong way, but you know you haven't made the best decisions in the past.

Me: I know. The thing is, that these guys all seem to present themselves one way at first, and then once I'm hooked, they all suddenly change everything they originally said. And so I keep waiting for the nice guy who told me he wanted to be in a relationship to come back. I guess I've always been a sucker for false hope...

GW: Maybe you just need someone around to remind you to run and don't look back at whatever point the guy starts airing out his crazy around you.

On another day, I was relating that e-mail message to my friend Kris. I told her that I thought there was some validity in what GW said, but a few years ago, I let my best friend set me up with a guy and he turned out to be the most abusive man of all.

Kris: That's because your best friend is a man, and most guys just choose the hottest girls they think they can get without worrying about whether they'll be compatible or smart or sane. You need your girlfriends to hook you up, because they'll look for someone you might actually be able to have a relationship with. Seriously, you are generous and conscientious to a fault and you're fun too. You deserve to be with someone who isn't too stupid to appreciate you.

My friend A. told me that it seemed to her that I didn't think I could date someone nice and normal. In my defense, I do think I could date someone nice, if only I could find a guy like that. I agree with her that I don't know if I could date someone totally normal. I know I'm weird and a guy who didn't have any quirks wouldn't get me and I wouldn't get him and I'd probably be bored fairly quickly. One of my many friends named Sara said that there were two ways for a guy not to be boring, one was to be fun and strange and have his own interests, the other was to be difficult, and that I had a hard time distinguishing between the two. I'll give her that. It's hard to know where quirky ends and where crazy begins sometimes.

So, after all this, my new bed and blankets and jammies and TV and XBox are looking pretty good. Say, wasn't I talking about going to therapy a while back?


Remiman said...

You'll get zero advice from me on choosing compatible romantic laisons.

Chance said...

Story of my life, this post.

Margaret said...

easier said than done, picking a nice normal man.... i filled out that super long questionairre for eharmony, but they only found 2 compatible men in my state... that's not advice of any sort, just commiseration from someone who is dating challenged

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

How important is it to you? If it's not important then take a break and enjoy yourself.

If an opportunity arises for romance with the proper kind of gentleman then go for it. If the gentleman is no longer to your liking then move along.

This method only works if you don't marry or move in with these dudes.

I don't know you but I think you are cool as shit and deserve great things. Don't go on a second date with less than great.

fringes said...

You got a new bed? Awesome.

No one is normal, btw. The guy's crazy falls into either category: acceptable to you or unacceptable to you.

Here is to your finding your acceptable, Churlita. I think you're awesome (mainly because you and I are so much alike, but who's counting?)

booda baby said...

I agree that you ought to let a girlfriend help pick. I know some seriously great guys here. That distance thing's a bitch, but ...

Mr Atrocity said...

I am not in the offering date advice business having the wrong chromosomes and all. However, it does seem to me that half this battle is knowing your own mind and thus consciously or unconsiously projecting a more accurate impression to others. Once I became more relaxed being me I found that dating got better and eventually I met the mighty Tinseltroos. It took a long time to stop trying to be what I thought other people wanted me to be though.

laura b. said...

Maybe the key is to think simply in terms of "dating" for awhile. Not necessarily looking for something long term, just going out casually with guys your friends think you might be interested in. And I really do mean a mother/grandmother, I would never encourage promiscuity.
Just hang out, see whats out there!

Tara said...

I worked with a girl who tried to set me up with her brother-in-law. It would've been nice, from her description he sounded really sweet. But it turns out he was still recovering from a bad break-up, and didn't want to date yet.

DJSassafrass said...

Ah finding a 'good' guy. What does that even mean anymore? Honestly (cliche alert!!!) the ones that come along when you are not looking are the ones worth looking at. Have fun with your gals and relax...if it ends up being too long, I can always clone my BF and genetically alter him with some traits you will be sure to love!

Payne's Gray said...

I'd offer some dating advice but that'd be a little like the blind discussing Pollack with the deaf.

Play more XBox.

Btw, your last post made me want pizza.

Dagromm said...

You can probably meet lots of guys on X-Box Live. Their probably 12 and under though.

Churlita said...


You should have the best advice. You and your wife have been together happily forever. How many people can say that?


Sorry to hear it - for both of us.


2 men? Eharmony sucks. You are totally cute and fun. There should be hundreds of guys.


Thanks. I've known most guys I've been involved with, so it wasn't the bad second date deal, it was more like after a few months or so, they'd start getting all wonky and lame on me.


Thanks. You're totally right. It's all about what kind of crazy you can deal with and I need to stay away from abandoners and abusers. I seem to date one type or the other. Ugh.

Booda Baby,

Yeah, the chances I'll get to Santa Barbara any time soon are very slim. Sigh.

Mr Atrocity,

I'm old, so I'm always totally myself. Most guys I've been with, have known me for years beforehand and the last guy even read my blog for 6 months before we dated. He was the one who came off one way, and then totally changed after a month or so.


That would be great if I didn't live in a college town where most men are 20 years younger than me. There isn't a very big pool of datable men here.


I've had that happen before. It's annoying, isn't it?


Last time I just let it go and did my thing, it was over 4 years before I dated again and that was with that one guy we both know. I don't go anywhere where I'd meet a guy, so it's either try, or give up. I'm leaning toward giving up again. Which is fine too.

Payne's Grey,

Ha ha. I think the XBox is a good idea. Even with all the violence and the gore, it's less stressful than trying to date.


I'm trying to avoid going to prison again. I'm also tired of being someone's bitch all the time.

not fainthearted said...

I wish I knew what to tell you. Except I think that learning that you have to distinguish between the quirky and crazy is good.

Listen to your gut about whether it's time to jump back into the pool

Churlita said...


Thanks for the advice. I'll take any that I can get.