Monday, October 29, 2007

I'm in the Mood, The Rhythm is Right

Here is a photo of a bunch of pumpkins put on a pedestal.

Whew! Remember how yesterday I thought I had a hangover after drinking only two. Count 'em, two pints of beer? Well, I must have been high too, because even though I'm the biggest pussy about handling alcohol, even I can't get hungover for two days from drinking two pints. That's right. I woke up this morning, and still had a migraine. Not to be confused with a hangover. Fucking duh.

So, yeah. I woke up with a migraine on a Monday and couldn't find my window scraper, so I was cranky even before I dropped the girls off at school. Then work was busy and sucked ass. In the evening I went to another junior high band concert - which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't on a Monday night and if it didn't last way too long and if the seventh graders could keep time and/or play their instruments. After we got home, my girls totally bogarted the Guitar Hero 3, and when they finally let me on it, they laughed at me for looking like a total dork. I am well aware that I look like a dork no matter what I do, but I can't imagine anyone looking dignified while holding a miniature pretend plastic guitar and pressing buttons along to the tune of "Slow Ride" - that includes my "cooler than thou" teenage daughters.

In light of all my general crankiness, I'm going with my strengths and taking the easy, sleazy, cheesy route of looking at the Google searches that led people to my blog. Since I've already probably written too much of an intro, I promise I'll only do ten or so.

1. Last week, someone Googled the name of the guy who was my arch enemy in junior high, and the name of the small suburb on the Southside of Chicago where we lived at the time. I hope it was the guy, because even thirty years later, I want him to know what an asshole he was to everyone. Hey, here's a question, do you think the people who were mean in junior high and high school, know they were heinous and feel any guilt later in life?

2. My latest search, isn't all that funny, but it's certainly true, "You gotta front". What do you think they were looking for? Examples of why one would want to front, if one indeed felt it necessary to do so?

3. "Tequila Mockingbird Roller". At first I thought this might be some kind of weed reference, but judging from the other results, it's really a roller derby term. They must have been really disappointed when they wound up on my blog. Almost as sad as all those hundreds of people who still come to my blog looking for "shaved dudes". Sorry to disappoint. I'm not even attracted to shaved dudes.

4. "Picture of a silver spoon in your mouth". Sorry, dude. That's about the last thing you'll see on my blog. Now, if you want to see a picture of a plastic spoon in my mouth, or better yet, a bendy straw, let's talk. That could easily be arranged.

5. "Girl showing tits Iowa Hawkeye" - Um, no. Just no. I'm sure there are plenty of sites for that though.

6. "Photo glamour girl" - See number five.

7. "Endorphins cute" - Finally someone ended up at the right place. I like to think my endorphins are fucking adorable.

8. "Famous people who did mushrooms" - I wish I was the authority on that. Don't you want to know which famous people did mushrooms? My guess is, all of them.

9. "Sex with the big woman" - Again, I can't help you there, pal. I do think it's interesting that they want to have sex with the big woman and not a big woman. I'm glad they have some kind of standards.

10. "Hooker shoes in Houston" - I wish I could help this person out, I really do. I wish I had hooker shoes and I wish that I could wear them in Houston. If you ever see me in Houston, I promise I will be wearing hooker shoes.

11. "Oh life's gonna bring you down" - Don't I know it, pally. Don't I know it.


Remiman said...

You wouldn't believe what peolple look for under the microscope! ;)

Mrs. Big Hairy Woman said...

It is amazing that these people have nothing better to do than look up stupid shite...They probably don't have much of a life or many friends and that is why they insist on looking up dumb stuff... that was pretty funny about the hooker shoes..

Not Fainthearted said...

HI-larious. If I go to Houston, maybe I'll wear hooker shoes just to mess with 'em.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

"Famous People Who did Mushrooms" was most likely someone going to court and trying to defend themselves any way they could. Hah.

Tara said...

Well...I found a junior high bully on MySpace. We went to grade school, junior high and high school together. Just couldn't shake her. She would be nice some days and then would totally turn on me or any of her other victims when she was with a group of her friends. Typical behavior. I was curious to see if she had changed, and sent her an email asking if she remembered me, and she emailed back with a very cheerful message. I doubt she remembered being a bully to me, though.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I haven't had enough interesting searches yet to make a complete post.

I wasn't a bully or anything but I can remember being mean lots of times in high school and regret every single one. Somehow though I think it's in the nature of a bully not to care who they hurt, but I like to think there are rare exceptions.

dmarks said...

That's a great list of comments. Laughingattheslut (Insidious Truth) has a weekyl feature of these weird searches called "Freaky Friday".

I used to list mine in my own blog, but now leave them as comments in hers. My blog is a magnet for this with an insatitiable desire for nude Christine Baranski pics.

Not sure I've looked up school-days arch enemies. However, I have googled for my grade-school best friend, and he can't be found. Not even by another "google hound" friend who can find anyone.

a said...

Whats a window scraper?
ha ha

laura b. said...

You get the fun ones! Most of my searches have to do with "boring life"...a large number of people either have boring lives or are dying to know more about having a boring life...

Mr Atrocity said...

You could string those seaarch terms together into some pretty hard-hitting dada-ist beat poetry. Ginsberg would have been proud.

booda baby said...

Those are all so strange. Why would Google match them to you? The occasional shared noun - maybe - but I expect a little more of a free search engine. Google's behaving like a very VERY bad dating service and needs scolding. I did NOT say spanking because it would be wrong to invite someone searching etc etc.

Brando said...

Now you'll see results for "Slow Ride pussy Hero 3"

evil-e said...

I have not attempted it....I don't think I want to know quite honestly. The Google search thing will be reserved for that evening when I have nothing left to do....

I am a bit bummed that the girl showing tits Iowa Hawkeye came up empty!!

Chance said...

A window scraper... Man, living in Texas, I forgot that people need things like that.

Tits and hooker shoes! Come on! the people want photos!

MrManuel said...

I can not think fo which is my favorite although they do tend to get funnier and funnier as I go down the list. Sew with the big woman was possibly my favorite.

Churlita said...


I doubt I'd be too shocked. Looking at google seems to desensitize a girl.


I think that's the whole point of Google. For those of us without lives, to find something to occupy our time.


And then post the pics up on your blog, please.


I didn't even think about that.


I wonder if this guy would be civil if I found him on MySpace. Who knows what he was going through back then either.


Everyone was mean at some point in junior high, but this guys was such a dick.


Are you ever tempted to post nude Christine Baranski photos, just to give the Googlers something to ogle.


That's enough out of you miss "I live in Texas and it's still 80 degrees outside".

Laura B.,

Maybe they're looking for a mate with a boring life?

Mr Atrocity,

I could write my very own Howl.

Booda BAby,

I'm going to let you know when I get the first google search for spanking.


How do you think a video game with that name would play?


It came up on my blog and unfortunately for you, my blog was void of those. Sorry.


You all have a better chance of seeing a photo of a window scraper.


I'm going to go ahead and assume you were trying to write sex instead of sew. Although, sew is funnier.

.j.william. said...

s'okay. I've had a hangover after just one twelve-ounce beer, though I suspect it had something to do with the 112-mile bike ride I'd just finished.

it sounded like a good idea at the time.

Churlita said...

J william,

Oh yeah. You can't exercise that hard and then drink.