One Minute I Held the Key, Next the Walls Were Closed On Me

Here is a railroad bridge in Davenport, Ia.

Sooooo, I know I have this running theme on my blog. No, not the theme of running this time. But the theme of the problems I have with balance in my life. Like I've said, most of my favorite activities are fairly solitary ones - reading, writing, running, and riding my bike are generally things I like to do alone. Of course, as I also always say, if I spend too much time by myself, it can make me a little weird(er). The last few years, I've tried really hard to make myself go out and socialize. This last week, I oversocialized and spending too much time around people can mess with me way worse than not spending enough time with people. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that the goal this week is to slow it down and spend as much time as I can at home, working on my kitchen and reading books. Now that's a goal I can easily reach.

Okay. I have one more thing. Yesterday afternoon, my girls and I were in the parking lot of our local Hy-Vee grocery store. We were unloading our cart into our car when a guy parked directly behind us and said something that was a little hard to understand. Coadster was standing closest to his car and said, "Excuse me?"

"Ya'll are sexy. Are ya'll getting ready to pull out?" He repeated.

"Um. There are a bunch of other spaces around us and now there's a car behind you..." Coadster responded.

"He's being a creeper. Don't talk to him," I said to Coadster, quietly so he couldn't hear. And to prove my point the guy repeated,

"Seriously. All y'all are seeeeexxxxxyyyy."

We got in our car and quickly realized the guy wasn't going to move. He thought he could keep us from pulling out, by blocking our car. Thank god there wasn't a car in front of us, so I just pulled through and took off as quickly as I could, in the snow away from him. How weird and scary was that though? And who the hell trolls the grocery store parking lot looking for mother/daughter victims? Jaysus!

This Could Be the Best Place Yet, But You Must Overcome Your Fears

Here is me pointing at you - yes you, with a pool cue.

I was giving a friend of mine some boy advice today. I instantly realized how ridiculous it was of me, and then laughed my ass off. In some ways it's pretty silly of me to give other girls advice about relationships, but in other ways, maybe it's not that crazy. For one thing, I put a lot of thought into boy/girl relations and for another, I seem to have done some social studying the last couple of years.

When I was younger, I stayed in horrible situations forever and only had a few relationships by the time I was 40 years old. Most of the guys I had dated and/or married could be put into two categories: the commitment phobe/emotionally retarded guys, or the control issue men who were really hard on themselves and if they were in a relationship with me, looked at me as an extension of themselves, and in turn, got mean any time they felt out of control or stressed in their lives.

As a way to figure out how to stop staying in bad relationships, I took a few years off from men altogether and learned how not to fear being alone, but instead, became scared of dating. The last two years, I tried to be more open and went out with different guys. What I've found out in all of that, is that there are as many kinds of men as you can imagine. It was nice to discover that I had options. As always, the trick is to find one who can put up with my shit, and who's shit I can deal with too. I haven't met that guy yet, but I've been close.

In the last month or so, I stopped putting any energy into game players, (whether they are doing it intentionally or not) and it has put an abrupt end to my current dating life. I haven't talked to Mr. B. since last month when he told me he was going to come and visit, and then called me a few days before that was supposed to happen to cancel. He said he got called in to work at his weekend job. I already know he only works from 4 pm -9 pm, so he could easily drive up the whole hour it takes to get here and hang-out after that. The last time he visited, he didn't get here until after ten anyway. I didn't argue that point with him, because it didn't matter. If he liked me enough, he'd make an effort to see me. So, I let it go. I will always like him as a friend, but I just don't have time for the excuses any more.

I also haven't talked to Neal for a bit either. He gave me his usual Saturday call a couple of weeks ago, and I just didn't pick up or call him back. If he wanted to be friends, I'd love to talk to him now and again, but he doesn't listen to me when I tell him that's all I can be to him. He made me promise to write him a letter, so I'll do that. I'm much better on paper, when I can edit myself anyway.

So, I'm changing my boy track again. I'm less open than I was last year. Which isn't to say that I'm against dating altogether. I just don't have time for the bullshit. I spent a lot of time and energy getting my shit together in how I deal with men, and now I feel like I'm in a great place. I'm no longer afraid to be alone nor am I scared to date. I know exactly what I want and I'm sure I won't wallow in an unhealthy relationship, waiting for something to magically change. If that means I end up alone, I'm really okay with that.

As far as giving my friend relationship advice is concerned, I'm probably no less qualified than anyone else is to give it. It's just kind of silly for anyone to offer up advice. It's one of those annoying things everyone has to learn for themselves, (usually the hard way) from their own experiences.

When You Were Just a Young Girl and Still in School

Here's a photo of a weird 70's looking building where the Cambus stops by the Rec Building. Of course, this photo has nothing to do with my post.

I have been a bad sleeper lately. So, tonight I'm working extra special hard at getting my ass in bed at a decent hour. Hopefully, tonight I won't get a drunken text sent out to everyone on his phone by my friend C. letting us know he's coming to town on Thursday night, like I did last night at one in the morning. Jaysus, Mary and Joseph. Oh yeah, so in the interest of an earlier bedtime, I'm posting another thing from my old blog. It's kind of a companion piece to my list of cheesy 70's music from last night. There is one little change I will add to it, I've had some nightmares in the last couple of years since I wrote this.

This was originally written in April of 2006:

When I was a kid I was terrified of everything. At an early age, I was scared of the Wizard of Oz (especially that one scene - you know, where Auntie Em turns into the witch in the crystal ball?). Then I was afraid of the Vietnam war. After a while, my mom wouldn't let me watch the news because it freaked me out so much. They kept showing little kids all bloody and crying. I also thought that every clock I heard was a ticking bomb.

Then when I was about 7 or so, The Exorcist came out. Everything about it terrified me. The commercials were torture and the soundtrack...Oh my god, Tubular Bells made me want to buy a new umbilical chord and reattach myself to my mother. For years after, I had horrible nightmares about the devil. They were always the same. In my dream, I would be possessed by the devil and then realize I was in a dream and think I woke up, but I was really still asleep and then satan would hold me down and cover my mouth so no one could hear me scream.

It was partly my fear and partly my hyper-spazziness (I'm pretending this is a word), that kept me from sleeping when I was younger. I would lie in my room and hear my mom out in the living room either painting and listening to music or too tired to do anything but stare at the TV. As long as she was awake, I was fine. After she went to sleep, then Linda Blair, the Viet Cong and satan could all get at me. Most nights I would be so scared, I'd end up sleeping in my mom's room anyway.

In college I finally saw The Exorcist for the first time and I did think it was scary. But then I watched the second one and it was so cheesy and laughable that it took some power away from the original. Plus, the fact that Linda Blair dated both Rick Springfield and Rick James made me feel more sorry for her than frightened of her (it also steered me away from dating anyone named Rick).

Even as an adult, I still had the scary devil dreams. They were almost exactly the same ones I had when I was eight. Then when I was 31, I got divorced and became a single parent. I was always the last one awake in the house after that, but somewhere in there I stopped having nightmares. I can't even remember the last time I had one. I'm not sure what changed, but I'm totally cured of them. I'm still frightened of things - right now, the tornado sirens are my biggest fear...I'm also ascairt of boys, but unfortunately, none of them have kept me up all night for a long time.

Will I See You Give More Than I Can Take?

This was the spot of our Wednesday night meetings and where I used to tutor some of my co-workers to help them get their GED's.

I don't have a lot going on in my regular life, so I think we'll just take a trip in the way back machine, okay? Since this weekend's talks with Mr. B. have had me thinking about relationships lately, I thought I'd go back to 1985 and the scene of the beginning of my first real relationship. Ready? I'm not so sure I am...

Jimmy being a dork and wearing two pairs of sunglasses while building trails in the back country at King's Canyon.

I came to Leggett, California because of a guy. Originally, when I moved to California to join the Conservation Corps., I was planning on living at the site on Turtle Island in the San Francisco Bay. I had some friends moving to San Francisco, and we figured I'd be able to go into the city and hang out with them on weekends.

I met a boy named Jimmy at the training academy in Angels Camp, Ca. We spent three weeks there learning how to fight wildland fires and floods and getting in shape for the physically demanding work we would all surely be doing for at least the next year. Jimmy was smart and funny and we had that casual high school kind of thing where he never asked me, but it was assumed by everyone including us, that we were going out. He was going to do Salmon Restoration work in Humboldt County and he tried to get me to go with him. He said in San Francisco, I'd just be picking garbage and he assured me I'd get tired of that in a week.

I was nineteen and all of my plans were subject to change anyway, so I decided to go to Leggett. It sounded like more of an adventure. When we got there, Jimmy suddenly changed. We had been hanging out everyday at the academy, but once we got to our site, he ignored me and seemed really annoyed whenever I stopped by his trailer. Since I'd never had a real boyfriend before, I didn't know that he expected me to pine after him - that it was part of the game for him. Instead, I just figured he wasn't interested, and I went my own way.

Here is a picture of Neal in the girls' trailer at our site with the He-Man action figure we found while working in Willits , California.

The second week I was there, I was walking down to the swimming hole on the Eel River. Everyone else had already headed down, and since I was being pokey, I wandered there by myself. When I walked past the last trailer in the row, I saw Neal standing there watching me. I noticed him the first day we arrived, but he scared me a little. He was too good looking and I thought he was a lot older than me. (he was actually only a month older than I was) Since I was only wearing my swimsuit, I was even more self-conscious than I normally was around cute guys. I nervously said, "hi" and kept walking. When I reached the edge of the woods, I looked back and he was still watching me walk.

Here's another recycled photo of me learning how to run a chainsaw in the California Conservation Corps.

Neal was one of the saw specialists and in charge of teaching us new guys how to run saws so big, that I could barely lift one when I first started. One day he had a project where he needed one person to help him break-up a mini log jam. He picked me and later on, he told me he had it all planned out. It was one of the most beautiful places I had ever seen. The log jam was located on a double waterfall, right next to a gigantic Redwood grove. Since it was pretty precarious, he did most of the sawing, while I removed the wood from the water, busted them into rounds and Neal and I both bucked them into a crib where we'd store them until the Winter when we could come back and safely burn them.

We ate lunch and Neal finally talked to me. He seemed so quiet before, but when there wasn't anyone else around, he let loose. He asked me about myself, and was really open about all his shit. He told me he had his eye on me since I first got there, but he wasn't sure what was going on with me and Jimmy. I told him, "Apparently, nothing."

Within the next week, we were dating. We basically spent almost every second of the day together for the next year. He's probably the only person I would be able to spend that much time without strangling. We could be fun and social together and both be quiet and live in our own little worlds together when we were at home.

Here is a blurry photo of Neal, a year later, when we lived in San Francisco.

We definitely had plenty of problems. We were nineteen when we started dating and broke-up when we were twenty-two. He grew up with a lot more money than my family had, but we were both weird in the same ways. We were the youngest kids in our families and our mom's were both artists. His dad was a merchant marine, and mine was a photographer. In other words, we had similar abandonment issues. The thing I really liked about Neal and have a really hard time finding in other men, is that he didn't have to constantly label himself and create that persona. He painted and refinished antiques and made his own steel drums in his backyard, and read every book I recommended to him and did tons of environmental work but he never went on and on about being an artist or a musician or an intellectual. Those were just things he did.

Sometimes I wonder what he's like now. My friends and I talk about how different men get as they age. A lot of them get really cranky and set in their ways, and they all seem to get more emotional. Some men can deal with those emotions and become better people, but some freak out and can't admit that they have them. My big fear is that I would run into Neal now and he would have turned into one of those mid-life crisis forty-three year old guys who hang-out in bars and keep trying to prove to themselves that they can still get twenty year old chicks. I also wonder if he'd be disappointed by the forty-three year old I've become.

'Cause She Thinks She's The Passionate One

Okay, kids. This will be quick. My internet at home is somehow screwed. I think it has something to do with the connection to my router, but as you well know, I have no computer kowledge whatsoever. So, I'm writing quickly and furtively at work and I'll try to fix my home computer problems later.

Now, Mr St Louis should be here when I get off work. I'm this annoying combination of excited and scared and a little insecure...I know, I know, it's like any other day, just magnified. Of course, me being me, I couldn't sleep very well last night AND I forgot to put on deodorant, so I really do feel like a natural woman today. Duh.

So far, our extended weekend date looks like it will go like this: This evening we will stay at my house and eat sandwiches and stuff and have some drinks. Tomorrow evening we will try to hook up with K. and T. and Ondine and then head down to the Dublin. On Saturday night we'll drive to Chicago and go out for Dim Sum and drinks. Then on Sunday we'll go to the Bears/Saints game. Mr. St. Louis is a Saints fan, so we'll be rivals for a day.

Okay. I'll be thinking of you....Just kidding. If all goes well, I won't remember that any of you exist.

When the Routine Bites Hard

Hi kids. It's time for round two of the meme tonight. Man, I'm glad I have it to do, because I haven't done shit to blog about in the last couple of days.

10. What are the things your friends count on you for?

I'm sure that all my friends know I would do pretty much anything for them. Aside from that, they can count on me to make them crazy mix CD's, feed them whenever they'll let me, get pissed off at any assholes who dare to give them grief (which includes creative ways to curse the assholes and imagine bad things befalling them). I've already given almost all of my friends a dork-ass theme song and I'll sing it for them on command. I'm pretty sure my friend K. counts on me to make a fool of myself and jumping to it, anytime she commands me to make my downs syndrome face in front of all of our guy friends.

This is my first real live boyfriend, Neal wearing the corpy uniform we all had to wear.

11. What is the best part of being in a committed relationship?

My first thought, being on the outside looking in, is getting laid on a regular basis. Wait. What is this, how you say...committed relationship? No, really. I've been in a few of those, but only one healthy one and that was my first boyfriend Neal. I think the best part about it for me, was having a best friend who I knew always had my back and had seen me at my very worst both looks wise and behavior wise and he still loved me and knew when to make me laugh and when to give me space.

I remember once after we had been together for 2 1/2 years, I was working two jobs. I didn't get home from my one job until after midnight and was supposed to be at my next job by 6 am. I overslept and when I woke up and realized it, I threw myself one of those, "I hate my life" fits - complete with foot stomping. I then ran to my job and when I saw Neal again later that day, I was all sheepish and asked him how scared he was of me. He said, he thought it was great since normally I seemed so perfect. He meant it too. All I could think was that he had to be either totally insane or totally in love with me. I don't think anyone else who knows me, would ever describe me as perfect.

12. What is the hardest part of being in a committed relationship?

Finding one that doesn't suck.

13. Summer or Winter? Why?

I'm a Summer girl. I grew up in Arizona. Heat, for the most part, doesn't bother me. I hate being cold. I do, however like the change of seasons, but with my ADD, I just like the beginning of the seasons. I really only want them to last a month or two. See what you can do about that, will you?

14. Have you ever been in a school-yard fight? Why and what happened?

No, thank god. I'm a runner, not a fighter. I'm also a terrible smart ass, so anywhere I've lived, it seems the toughest and most ethnic chick in my school has wanted to kick my ass. I'm not proud. I freely admit to hiding and running home from school to avoid getting soundly whupped.


15. Why blog?

Duh, because I don't have a life. Really, I started blogging as a way to make me write every day and to not feel like I was writing in a vacuum.

My family back before anyone had heard of the HIV. Of course, I'm the ragamuffin in front with one shoe on and one shoe off. Maybe I'm projecting, but I always think my mom looks so tired in this photo.

16. Did you learn about sex, and/or sex safety from your parents?

Um, my mom tried. She died in 1975, and back then there was no AIDS, so there was never any talk of safer sex. My mom did say that we should feel free to ask her anything, since her mom was so uncomfortable talking about it and so my mother had to learn from friends. Apparently, her friends didn't know shit, because once I asked my mom what a blow job was, and she honestly had no idea.

17. How do you plan to talk to your kids about sex and/or sex safety?

I've been talking to my daughters about it since Stinky was five and asked me what "gay" meant. When I worked in the clinic, I saw enough pregnant 12 year olds, to make me want to educate my girls in any way I could. We don't just talk about mechanics, we discuss power issues and emotions too. So far, they have been very open with me about boys and kissing and whenever a big group of their friends are over, getting ready to go out I say, "Don't have sex," before they leave. I'm usually answered with a big chorus of, "Gross!" It's funny every single time.

18. What are you most thankful for this year?

These two chuckleheads are what I'm most thankful for. Look at them? Who wouldn't be?...Don't answer that. I'm thankful we're all healthy and happy and functionally sane. And as I've tried to say on here as often as possible, I'm thankful for my kick-ass friends and family. I am a firm believer in appreciating the hell out of people while they're around, because you never know when they won't be.

So Soft Hard Feelings

I've been asked to do a couple memes lately, and you all know how hit-and-miss I am on doing them. I've already done the "Weird Things About Me" Meme last year that Tara tagged me for. I also feel like every post I write is a list of about a hundred weird things about me. So, as much as I love Tara, I don't have much to offer to that one. The other one I was tagged for was from Not Fainthearted. She made it up herself and it is so much better than those Myspace memes targeted at thirteen year olds. You know the kind? the ones that ask you if your crush knows you like him and if so, how many times he IM's you? Yeah, well I'm forty-muthahfucking-two years old, so if I had a crush who IM'ed me all the time, he'd probably be young enough that I'd end up going to jail for him.

Anyhoooooo. I am going to do Not Fainthearted's meme, but I'm only doing half tonight and the other half tomorrow night. I think we all know how much I like to yammer on, and it is, after all, 18 questions long. So, let's all take a nice deep breath and begin.

Here is my sister Moira and I (I'm the one kind of standing up) climbing around in Tonto National Well in Arizona as kids.

1. What were you afraid of as a child?

Um, everything? I don't think I could make a list long enough. I was terrified of bombs going off, and even a ticking clock would make me nervous. I was finally not allowed to watch the news when they showed Vietnam war footage anymore. Rattlesnakes, which in Arizona are sometimes hard to avoid. The Exorcist and Tubular Bells. Of course, my mom loved that soundtrack and could only play it when I wasn't around. Any strange noise at night. I could never sleep as a child and so my mom would let me listen to a radio all night to drown out any other sound that might freak my shit out. Now you know why I know the lyrics of almost every cheesy pop song ever written and can recite most commercials from the seventies.

2. When have you been most courageous?

Getting out of the two abusive relationships I was in. The first with my ex-husband and the second with that one asshole I dated almost five years ago. People always wonder why seemingly strong women stay in those things, but I don't think you could ever understand unless you went through it. It's not like the guy is suddenly a jerk. It's subtle things where the guy seems too good to be true and then gets kind of bad, but that behavior becomes normal and then he kicks it up again, so that becomes normal, and so on and so on... They also wear down your self-esteem, so you believe you deserve to be treated a certain way. It's kind of a double and triple whammy. I've been lucky enough that I've gotten out before things ever became too violent.

3. What sound most disturbs you?

The sound of violent retching. I spent a fun filled evening in the emergency room in the general hospital in San Francisco once with my ex-boyfriend who got sucker punched at a party and had a detached retina. There was some guy in the next room who retched for hours and I thought I was going die.

4. What is the greatest amount of physical pain you’ve been in?

Easy - 36 hours of labor with my first daughter. Why didn't anyone tell me that natural childbirth was for pot smoking hippies? I also should have known just exactly how stubborn that Coadster would end up being. That girl was going to come out when she was good and ready and put me through hell, until then. It's kind of the way she goes through life.

The girls when they were nine and ten years old respectively.

5. What’s your biggest fear for your children? (or children in general if you don’t have some of your own.)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's global warming and nuclear war and stuff, but my biggest fear is that something will happen to me before they are adults, and someone else will raise them. Of course, it all comes from being raised by my abusive (are we detecting a theme here?) aunt and uncle after my mom died. Even if someone wonderful raised them, they still wouldn't understand the girls they way I do. I would hate to think that my daughters would have to grow-up without that unconditional love.

6. What is the hardest physical challenge you’ve achieved?

The hardest physical challenge was probably in The Conservation Corps. We had to hike with eighty pounds of grip hoist cable strapped to our backs and a tool in each hand uphill and through rocky creek bed and use chainsaws that were so big and heavy that I could barely lift them when I first started, let alone run one for eight hours. Fighting wild land fires sucked too. I have this weird suffocation complex and it didn't exactly jive with all that smoke inhalation.


7. Which do you prefer: Mountains or oceans/big water?

Both. but if I had to choose, I'd say ocean. I'm a total water girl. My California boyfriend used to call me a mermaid because he couldn't keep me out of rivers, lakes or the ocean.


8. What is the one thing you do for yourself that helps you keep everything together?

Run, run and run. It is my meditation, my exercise and my happy pill. I've been doing it since my mom died and I can't imagine my life without it.

9. Ever had a close relative or friend with cancer?

Yeah. One of my best friends in the world, had sinal/nasal cancer for five years before he died at 31. He had been my roommate, our daughters were born 6 weeks apart and we saw each other almost every day for ten years. It broke my heart to see him in constant pain and it pissed me off that even after two back-to-back open brains surgeries, he was still smarter than I can ever imagine being.

Well, on that happy note, I'll continue with it tomorrow

Adorable Illusion and I Cannot Hide

Here is a picture of a big (ahem) rooster.

So, I know I said I've been kicking around the idea of dating again. I guess what that means for me, is that one day I think I'll be able to make the effort, and the next it seems too overwhelming and I'm pretty sure I'd be happier just staying home and doing my own thing. It's a huge understatement to say that I haven't had the best luck with men. I am very willing to look at my part in not only getting in, but staying in really stupid and lame situations. To that end, my friends have been good at helping me figure out what I'm doing wrong. Because they are my friends, and because they really care about me, they tell me exactly what they think. Here are some of my friends' observations from the last six months or so.

This first part is an e-mail transaction from my friend GW one day at work.

GW: Hey, A. (her boyfriend) and I were just talking, and we've decided that maybe you shouldn't be allowed to pick your own boyfriends. Don't take this the wrong way, but you know you haven't made the best decisions in the past.

Me: I know. The thing is, that these guys all seem to present themselves one way at first, and then once I'm hooked, they all suddenly change everything they originally said. And so I keep waiting for the nice guy who told me he wanted to be in a relationship to come back. I guess I've always been a sucker for false hope...

GW: Maybe you just need someone around to remind you to run and don't look back at whatever point the guy starts airing out his crazy around you.

On another day, I was relating that e-mail message to my friend Kris. I told her that I thought there was some validity in what GW said, but a few years ago, I let my best friend set me up with a guy and he turned out to be the most abusive man of all.

Kris: That's because your best friend is a man, and most guys just choose the hottest girls they think they can get without worrying about whether they'll be compatible or smart or sane. You need your girlfriends to hook you up, because they'll look for someone you might actually be able to have a relationship with. Seriously, you are generous and conscientious to a fault and you're fun too. You deserve to be with someone who isn't too stupid to appreciate you.

My friend A. told me that it seemed to her that I didn't think I could date someone nice and normal. In my defense, I do think I could date someone nice, if only I could find a guy like that. I agree with her that I don't know if I could date someone totally normal. I know I'm weird and a guy who didn't have any quirks wouldn't get me and I wouldn't get him and I'd probably be bored fairly quickly. One of my many friends named Sara said that there were two ways for a guy not to be boring, one was to be fun and strange and have his own interests, the other was to be difficult, and that I had a hard time distinguishing between the two. I'll give her that. It's hard to know where quirky ends and where crazy begins sometimes.

So, after all this, my new bed and blankets and jammies and TV and XBox are looking pretty good. Say, wasn't I talking about going to therapy a while back?

As The Days Fly Past, Will We Lose Our Grasp?

Here's a picture of a cute, sleepy, little, baby calf. Awwww.

A week or so ago, Poptart wrote that Fall was more of a time of change and resolution for her than the new year. I tend to agree. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, I'm a hibernator. I get kind of excited the first few months of Fall, because I finally get to rest. In the Summer, I feel like I have to be out and about and going, going, going, but once it starts getting colder, I really slow down. So, during the Fall, I tend to get a little more reflective and start gathering the proverbial nuts (hee, hee - nuts) to fortify my lair and make it all nice and cozy.

The last few weeks, I've been doing just that. My new room and my awesome, gigantic bed (oh, how I love memory foam) are set and ready for hours and hours of resting. I've been thinking how nice it would be to get a TV and a mini fridge in there, but then I would never leave my house. I'd lose my job and have to call meals on wheels and my girls wouldn't be able to do any activities... So, maybe I'll hold off on that.

The difference between this Winter and last Winter, is that I'm really going to try harder to leave my house. I went for a few years where I had just given up on trying to date, and frankly, most of the things I like to do are fairly solitary activities, so I was happy to stay home and live in my own little world. But I promised myself that this time, once I feel ready to start dating again, I'm actually going to make an effort - well, at least go out every once in a while. I'm not sure how open I'll be to all the fix-ups my friends and neighbors try. In the past, after meeting one of the guys they told me I'd love, I had to wonder if my neighbor hated me, or just didn't know me at all.

Right now, though? Right now, I'm still not ready (you know, 4,320 times bitten, 8,640 times shy) and so I'm stockpiling all my comfort items in preparation for the very, very long nights ahead.