Tuesday, February 17, 2009

This Could Be the Best Place Yet, But You Must Overcome Your Fears

Here is me pointing at you - yes you, with a pool cue.

I was giving a friend of mine some boy advice today. I instantly realized how ridiculous it was of me, and then laughed my ass off. In some ways it's pretty silly of me to give other girls advice about relationships, but in other ways, maybe it's not that crazy. For one thing, I put a lot of thought into boy/girl relations and for another, I seem to have done some social studying the last couple of years.

When I was younger, I stayed in horrible situations forever and only had a few relationships by the time I was 40 years old. Most of the guys I had dated and/or married could be put into two categories: the commitment phobe/emotionally retarded guys, or the control issue men who were really hard on themselves and if they were in a relationship with me, looked at me as an extension of themselves, and in turn, got mean any time they felt out of control or stressed in their lives.

As a way to figure out how to stop staying in bad relationships, I took a few years off from men altogether and learned how not to fear being alone, but instead, became scared of dating. The last two years, I tried to be more open and went out with different guys. What I've found out in all of that, is that there are as many kinds of men as you can imagine. It was nice to discover that I had options. As always, the trick is to find one who can put up with my shit, and who's shit I can deal with too. I haven't met that guy yet, but I've been close.

In the last month or so, I stopped putting any energy into game players, (whether they are doing it intentionally or not) and it has put an abrupt end to my current dating life. I haven't talked to Mr. B. since last month when he told me he was going to come and visit, and then called me a few days before that was supposed to happen to cancel. He said he got called in to work at his weekend job. I already know he only works from 4 pm -9 pm, so he could easily drive up the whole hour it takes to get here and hang-out after that. The last time he visited, he didn't get here until after ten anyway. I didn't argue that point with him, because it didn't matter. If he liked me enough, he'd make an effort to see me. So, I let it go. I will always like him as a friend, but I just don't have time for the excuses any more.

I also haven't talked to Neal for a bit either. He gave me his usual Saturday call a couple of weeks ago, and I just didn't pick up or call him back. If he wanted to be friends, I'd love to talk to him now and again, but he doesn't listen to me when I tell him that's all I can be to him. He made me promise to write him a letter, so I'll do that. I'm much better on paper, when I can edit myself anyway.

So, I'm changing my boy track again. I'm less open than I was last year. Which isn't to say that I'm against dating altogether. I just don't have time for the bullshit. I spent a lot of time and energy getting my shit together in how I deal with men, and now I feel like I'm in a great place. I'm no longer afraid to be alone nor am I scared to date. I know exactly what I want and I'm sure I won't wallow in an unhealthy relationship, waiting for something to magically change. If that means I end up alone, I'm really okay with that.

As far as giving my friend relationship advice is concerned, I'm probably no less qualified than anyone else is to give it. It's just kind of silly for anyone to offer up advice. It's one of those annoying things everyone has to learn for themselves, (usually the hard way) from their own experiences.


Poptart said...

I love you Churl, so glad I am reading your blog right now. You're in a good place. Funny thing, I was this close to emailing you for boy advice, too - I think you give great advice. I also think, actually, that those of us who haven't found something to settle into are better to give advice because we are actively thinking about it too, for ourselves. So: damn right we can give excellent relationship advice!

Churlita said...

Exactly. And that's how this was. I was telling a friend of mine that she should make the boy she's been hanging with "on a proper date" instead of just hanging out with friends at a bar and going home. It makes it too easy for him to take her for granted without it, plus dates are really fun and you both have to put thought into what the other person likes to make it special. It came up, because I had been thinking about it for myself. I had just decided that I wasn't going to see anyone without going on proper dates from now on.

Tara said...

I don't think anyone should make time for the bullshit. I realize that I need to get out more and meet the various kinds of men that are out there. Not today, though.

NoRegrets said...

Well, I'm sure you give excellent advice. Me, I hope to get to the place you are now. I got married in part because I was afraid to be alone and always wanted to be married. I'm afraid of the dating scene too. I'm afraid period and will need to get over that.

DJSassafrass said...

It's like me giving people advice on kids...but hey-they are talking about them constantly!

Mr Atrocity said...

Sounds to me like you have exactly the right attitude and that means you're perfectly within your rights to be offering advice. See, you wrote a whole post packed full of good sense right here.

laura b. said...

I think you are a highly qualified advice giver. In part, because you are honest about what you do and don't understand about any given situation.
For me and the dating situation, I am just going to remain open, but skeptical.

Churlita said...


I guess in any relationship we're going to have to put up with some bullshit. Just like whoever we date will have to put up with ours. I'm just tired of it when it gets excessive.

You should go out there and meet some guys...But only when you're ready.


It's taken the last 6 years to get to the "not so much fear" zone. I h ate the process, but it was very worth it.


Well, how could you possibly help it?

Mr Atrocity,

Thank you very much. I don't think anyone has ever called anything I've written sensible before. I'll take it.


That sounds smart. I think I'll do the same.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Who better to give boy advice than you? You are someone who has made mistakes, learned from them, moved on and keeps on trying. You have amazing resilience and hope.

I'm a fan, in case you hadn't noticed.