Monday, February 02, 2009

I Bring Wrath to Those Who Disrespect Me Like a Dame

Here is a barber shop sign in Hills, Ia.

I feel like I'm getting that bad cold my girls have both had. I know I always say this, but it's because it's always true...Kids are grubby little germ breeders. Since there's this gigantic bacterial war going on inside my body, and I want the good germs to win, I'm going to try to write quickly and go to bed at a decent time. A lack of time means I'll be random, because I won't have the several hours necessary for me to form one cohesive blog post. Yeah, yeah. I'm full of excuses.

1.) I love it when it warms up and the snow starts disappearing. Like I said last post, the ice had finally melted enough for me to run my six mile route on Saturday. Just like every other year, I couldn't help but notice all the dog poop landmines suddenly uncovered by the melting snow. Do people only pick up their dog's crap when it's warm enough for others to be out and catch them when they don't do it?

2.) I was going to spend a lot of Saturday cleaning and organizing. On that same day, Stinky wanted money to go to a movie with her friends. Of course, in our house, money don't come cheap. So, Stinky cleaned the kitchen and the bathroom in addition to her normal chores, leaving me plenty of time to sit on my ass when I got back from running. Nice. It's the closest I'll ever get to hiring a maid.


Here is the barber shop that goes with the sign. Closed for the evening.

3.) When I was out on Saturday night, some people at my table were talking about this guy who comes down to the Dublin sometimes who looks just like Anthony Michael Hall. They were wondering how old he was. (The guy in the Dublin, not the real AMH) If you've ever met me, you know that after I've had a beer or two, I can be easily dared into things. This time I even volunteered to ask him.

I stopped him at the bar, asked him his age and he told me he was 25. Then one of his friends showed up, who just happened to also be his boss. He was in his early thirties and getting his MBA, and a total pompous asshole. The pompous guy started aggressively hitting on me, but being a total butt about it. He wanted me to guess his age and then he wanted me to guess which business he owned in Coralville. Turns out, I didn't even know it existed. He was all offended, and I tried to be nice and explain that I don't make it out to Coralville much. He said, "So, what. You can't even go two feet away from your door?" I informed him, that I do indeed leave my house. I know the main drag of Coralville, I just don't drive down the side streets.

"...And don't worry," I said. "You didn't sound a bit condescending there." He acted all shocked that I would think that, but then as part of his "apology", he mentioned that English was only his 17th language. Gross. Thank god he wasn't trying to sound condescending, right?

I got a break for a minute when their other, totally hot, friend came up and introduced himself to me. He was surprisingly charming for someone wearing a "Likes to Fuck" hat. Both Anthony Michael Hall and Likes to Fuck went upstairs, because they both also liked to smoke and left me with Mr. Condescension. He immediately started badgering me about buying me a drink and telling me he would take me to Mexico with him and those two guys. I very politely declined his offer. I told him that I was done drinking for the night. He said he couldn't believe that. I explained that I try to be careful about how much I drink, and that I had already hit my limit, but it was really sweet of him to ask.

"You have dimples, " was his response to that.

"Yes, I do. But I'm still gonna have to decline. It was really nice meeting you," I offered my hand to him, but he wouldn't take it. He got all huffy and pissed off. He turned around to the bar and wouldn't even look at me. Whatever. If he didn't want to get rejected, then maybe he shouldn't have been such an unholy prick.

Okay. I guess that's all the fun I have time for tonight. May you win all of your internal bacterial battles.

9 comments:

Mr Atrocity said...

Sounds like there's never been a better reason for starting smoking. Although I've heard that's bad too. You can't win sometimes I guess.

Rest up and get well.

Susan said...

What an ass! He sounds like all the guys I meet my age around here anymore.

NoRegrets said...

Take Zicam! It works! And I'm not being paid to say that!

Man, what a hat.

Tara said...

And now we know why he's single. Jeez, what an ass. I'm thinking his friends can't really stand him that much either. Going up to smoke is their excuse.

Chance said...

It's weird when you encounter someone who is so appallingly rude that it's like they're the straw-man bad guy in a very shallow TV romance.

Yet they do exist.

dmarks said...

The Bush place goes well with the "Pubic Hair" hair salon that used to be in East Lansing.

laura b. said...

haha! My kids, too, are the closest I'll get to having a maid. But oh how I pay...if not in cold hard cash, then in the effort it takes to "motivate" them.

Mr. Condensation sounds like quite the social moron. And does the AMH guy look like young AMH or the current, more beefy version?

Churlita said...

Mr Atrocity,

Thanks. Yeah, that's the first time I ever considered the benefits of smoking.

Susan,

I know. I just wanted to keep reminding him that his insecurities were showing.

Nor,

Last year I had Zicam in my purse and took whenever I felt a bug coming on and worked really well. I forgot to get some this year. You are so right.

Tara,

His friends worked for him, so they probably felt like they had to hang with him.

Chance,

Sadly, tons of them exist.

Dmarks,

AT least with Bush, you can at least pretend it's a family name. It's still funny though.

Laura,

He looks exactly like AMH in the Breakfast Club. He's awkward and shy like that too.

another good thing said...

For all the days I wish I was a guy so I could have more freedom... I remember all the assholes out there and count myself lucky to not be one.
A guy that is. I can still be an asshole at times.
At least that's what some men have told me.