Happiness Is So Hard to Find

Here is a recycled photo of myself and one of my co-workers at Gussini Shoe store in Berkeley in 1986.

I'm sure you all know how weird I am about music. I'm not as likely to look at how it's played or what people are doing with their instruments. You could have all the best musicians in the world performing and playing really well, and if I'm bored with their song, I couldn't be bothered. For me, music has always been an emotional thing. I feel really strongly about songs one way or the other. They can be an awesome memory or the soundtrack to a really bad part of my life.

Some songs I know are cheese, but it doesn't matter, because they take me back to a time in my life that made me really happy. Of course the opposite is true. Whether a song is good or bad, hearing it can remind me of a particularly shitty stage in my life too.

Lately, my daughter has really been into this song called, "I Can't Wait" by a band called Nu Shooz. I think someone else might be sampling it, and that's where she heard it. You may or may not remember them, but trust me, they were really big in 1986. At that time I was working at my worst job ever. (and I've cleaned toilets for living) I had just moved to San Francisco and was living in my boyfriend's mom's house, my boyfriend wasn't sure if he still wanted to stay together, I had no money, nowhere else to go and my bosses totally sucked. For years, I couldn't hear that song without it bringing back all those horrible feelings.

The crazy thing about it, is that I'm totally okay with it now. It's actually turned into a more positive memory. I can laugh at how I had to cover all the high school girl's shifts on Friday nights so they could get home in time to watch Miami Vice, and how my two favorite high school guys used to wait for me to close up, so they could ride the BART with me through Oakland and protect me if need be. I can look back with some perspective and remember that it was one of the first times in my adult life that I actually took control of a situation.

With my orphan issues, I was always so terrified to actively change things in my life. In the past, change usually meant I was moving toward something worse. I wouldn't leave bad relationships or jobs no matter what, because they were an evil I knew, as opposed to an evil I didn't know but was sure to meet. I was one of those people who just let things happen to them. I finally left that situation. I quit my job, got a new one and found roomates to live with, instead of my fickle boyfriend and his crazy mom.

So, I guess my daughter can bring it. I'm ready to take on all the music from that time. "Manic Monday"? Who Cares. "West End Girls"? I'll kick all the Pet Shop Boys' asses. "Rock Me Amadeus"? No, let me rock you. "That's What Friends Are For"?...Uh, no. I still can't listen to that one. Sorry.