Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Along With the Sunshine, There's Gotta be a Little Rain Sometime

Here is another flowering tree. I feel like it' s the least I can do for you after writing this whiny post.

Well, kids. I finally did it. I reached my saturation point and quickly turned into a whiny, self-indulgent, poor me'er and wah fuckin' wah'er. My head was full of I'm tired and how great would it be to have help or have my ex contribute anything, financially or time wise just to give me some kind of break, and I need a day off, and wah and wah and woe is me and bullshit, bullshit, bullshit...I do get that most people in the world have it way worse and for the largest chunk of my life, things have been so much harder than they are right now. I know that. In terms of the rest of my life, I'm living on easy street. It's just that some days I can live my life with much more grace than others, and today I seemed to have misplaced my grace.

More lilacs, because I can't get enough, and I suspect, neither can you.

Because I am one of those annoying fix-it people, (my friends have to tell me when they just want to vent, or I try to find books or ideas to help them) I asked myself what would help me right now. You know, if I could have anything in the whole world that I wanted. I decided that a couple of days off, by myself on a beach somewhere warm might do the trick. I wouldn't even need the internet or movies. I could get by just fine with music, books, food and beer and/or wine. My days and nights would be spent running, walking, swimming, reading, eating, and drinking. There would be no one around to ask me questions like, "have you seen my shin guards?" or "Can I have $10?" or "Can you come and pick me and three of my friends up and drop them off at separate destinations all across town?" or the most hated, "What's for dinner?" and when I tell them they say, "Oh, I guess I can just have some cereal..."

Yeah, I wouldn't have any of that for at least two days. In my fantasy, my girls would be well taken care of and out of any kind of trouble. Oh, and while I was at it, I invented a tribe of elves (do elves hang in tribes?) to clean my house from top to bottom too. There. That would probably do it.

After I finished conjuring up my pathetic single mom fantasy, I actually felt a hundred million times better. I had a little talk with the girls about how it would be great if they tried a little harder to show me some respect and not take all the shit I've been doing for granted. I said I knew we were all busy and stressed-out, but I'm not their maid or chauffeur or chef or waiter and I'm also not made out of money. So, maybe if we all pitched in, I wouldn't be so frazzled and all of our lives would be better. They apologized and agreed they'd try harder. We'll see how it goes...

After working on getting my daughters' respect, I also cleaned my kitchen and made some banana bread. It's nothing like a beach getaway, but it's what's here right now, and it did make me feel better. Hey, I'll take what I can get.

11 comments:

Remiman said...

Churlita,
Glad your feeling better!
rel

DJSassafrass said...

I comepletely understand-my grace has long dissolved.

Tara said...

Your fantasy vacation sounds awesome.

NoRegrets said...

I hate to say it, but I'm so glad you are human and have meltdowns once in a while. The best is that you articulated to your kids what you needed. I think there should be a mass trip to Puerto Rico to visit Es. You, me, Susan...

A in TX said...

I hate to burst your bubble. (because I know you are so the girl in the bubble!)
But thats not a single mom frustration and fantasy - that is an every mom frustration and fantasy.

mighty jo said...

wow...well done. i get caught in the throes of woes a lot these days--way more than i am comfortable with. i find myself thinking "what happened to me? where did the real me go?" maybe i need to take some mental beach vacations. i do find myself fantasizing a lot about life before marriage & children....

great communication skills with your girls! wow, direct communication of needs...wow. who'd of known that would work? (i am being sincere in my sarcasm)

& i think elves, like lumber, come in a peck...but i would not be surprised if i were wrong.

Ananda girl said...

I think that sometimes the best vacations are in our minds. (It's the kind I usually end up with for financial reasons.)

Good for you that you gave the girls a talk about how you feel and what you need from them. They probably just didn't think about it. Now they know and can support you.

Nice, honest post. I think I'll go visit your beach now. ;-)

laura b. said...

Sometimes it really does help to just ask yourself what you need...even if you can't have it.

another good thing said...

At least you pulled on your big girl pants and faced the issue head on. Nice.
I abso-fuckin-lutely should have taken you on my recent beach getaway. The bitches I was with did not know how to play. Fair or otherwise.

MrManuel said...

Good for you for having that talk. I hope it works out.

Churlita said...

REl,

Thanks.

DJ,

Mine? It comes and it goes...

Tara,

Doesn't it? I love having such a vivid imagination.

Nor,

We all have melt downs. I am so into this whole Puerto Rican trip. Let me know and I'll start searching for my imaginary trust fund to make it happen.

A,

I have a feeling it's everyone's fantasy at some point.

Jo,

I am usually very direct about any of my issues. I don't understand when people talk around things or expect me to just know what they need, so I try very hard to let all the people around me know what I need and how I feel. Surprisingly, my girls respond pretty well to it, for the most part.

Ananda,

How was the beach? Did you get some reading done?

LauraB.,

I have to. My brain is very messy and it takes some time to sort out my crap.

Another,

You would be the first person I'd want on a beach vacation. You seem to know exactly how to have fun.

Mr Manuel.

It's working so far. I'm sure we'll relapse at some point again, but we're good for now.