Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I Don't Believe in Fairies Anymore

Here is a photo of some boats. I'd like my ship to come in, but I'd settle for something smaller too.

I've been weird lately. Okay, weirder. Whatever. Shut-up. I wanted to blame it on hormones or the full moon or the fact that the seasons are changing, or that the world economy seems to be going straight down the shitter or that I pretty much let my boy prospects dry up heading into hibernation season (stupid, stupid, Churlita), but I think it's something else this time. I realized tonight that I've been waiting for something to happen. Not just anything. I realize that when I don't specify that I want that something to be good, I get hit with a veritable shit storm of bad things and so, I'll just make a point to say right here and now that I'm waiting for something good to happen.

I've been letting things go - forgetting to pay bills until the last minute, leaving a trail of kicked-off shoes in my wake once I get home, my plants are all completely parched and the lightbulbs should be changed. I think I've mentioned before that I know when I need to get my shit together when I have to walk two rooms away in order to find a light that actually works in my apartment. Well, I'm getting close to that point. Meanwhile, I wait for things to get taken care of. I'm passively hoping to get saved. I'd settle for a Mary Poppins if she would promise not to be so annoyingly cheery and singing all the time. Money would be another great savior. Can you imagine being able to pay someone to simply take care of all your annoying shit for you? Don't get me wrong, it's not just the details, although taking care of the details is what I'm the worst at. I would also like to find something to get a little excited about. For most of this year, I had my trip to plan and look forward to, and now I'm just kind of hanging out.

When I was at the training academy for the Conservation Corps., one of my co-workers asked our crew leader if he had some kind of energy pill to help her get started cutting fire line. He just laughed and said, "Yeah. It's called my boot in your ass. Is that the kind of pill you were thinking of?" Which is what I probably need, to essentially kick myself in the ass and get going on shit. Because, when I think about it. I probably go through this every year about this time, when I'm broke after the Summer and I've used up my vacation time. Sooner rather than later, I'm sure, I'll just get over myself and clean my shit up, figure out a project to work on and just save my own damn self.


evilesb138 said...

the post-summer blahs suck

You better change those light bulbs or you will not be able to find those last second bills and on the way to finding them you will trip over kicked off careful

Anonymous said...

I think sometimes we just have to make motivation happen. It sounds strange, but you just have to get up and force yourself to do what needs to be done. Once you get moving and see that you're accomplishing something you won't want to stop. I hope your motivating force comes soon.

jenny said...

I always fall into a funk at the end of summer. It's like my brain doesn't understand that I'm not in school anymore, and forgets that fall is exactly like summer is exactly like spring is exactly like winter. But whenever I start hearing the back-to-school ads, I get depressed.

So my advice is to avoid listening to the back-to-school ads. They are trying to keep us down. :)

Mrs. Hairy Woman said...

I can totally relate to that feeling.. when all the shit piles up and you don't know where to start.. I would just say screw it and figure out the most important thing.. that is you.. the feeling will pass..

NoRegrets said...

Use the energy saving light bulbs and you'll save money over time...really. it's amazing how long they last.

but that's not really the point, is it? are you thinking knight in shining armor type of help? Or simply winning the lottery?

Yeah, you know yourself. And you know you'll give yourself a kick in the ass. You're flexible that way.

Susan said...

I hear you on the post summer downers. I'm doing ok now, though, because I love fall. If I could find all the things I'm missing I'd be good to go.

Tera said...

Aaaaaaaaaah Churlita!!! Dang it, I tried the link from work today, and by-golly it worked! Fantabulous---I have SO missed coming here!

Anywho...Why have I been feeling sorta the same and been doing some of the EXACT things you mentioned in this post and even tripped over one of the damned shoes the other day?! I'm telling you, it's in the's a depressing epidemic!

Tara said...

Working on a project can help get out of the rut. Any courses you can take? Art classes or something?

I know what you mean about waiting for something good to happen. I started thinking that the other day because I felt like I was just repeating the daily routine over and over. I'm not saying I want to suddenly find the guy of my dreams, but that wouldn't be bad either.

DJSassafrass said...

The post vaca let down is rough--I even go through it after a mere weekend away! The iowa season change is rough too. I felt like most of my 20s I was just hanging, waiting for something good to happen. The apathy will come and go, one day you'll just decide that shit need to be done.
I know this doesn't solve everything, but wouldn't having a beer with me give you something to look forward to at least for an afternoon? let's hook it up!

Brando said...

Even though I love fall, the end of summer is always depressing, because you know you're not far away from freezing your ass off.

But you know, start with the bulbs, then with the shoes, and before you know it you're halfway to getting all the stuff done.

laura b. said...

I believe I've felt just like you are feeling now. Waiting. It doesn't seem like a bad thing to me, even if some little stuff gets temporarily lost in the brain fuzz.

booda baby said...

I don't know. If I kept your schedule, I wouldn't be worried about any boot in any ass. How could a person possibly do so much AND still have light bulbs that work?

Poptart said...

I wish there was a way to help one another - long distance - to get that shit stirred up and DO STUFF. I go through this exact thing every single fall (and prolly more often) - and I know the feeling - waiting - ultimately til one little thing tips the scales from boring/unmanageable/complacent/waiting/unsatisfied to - something else...

It's just - what to DO? I am with you. Change the light bulbs, that's a start. And keep telling us about it.

Churlita said...


Ha ha. I did and I didn't break a bone tripping over my shoes either.


No. You're right. A lot of it is just getting off your ass and getting shit done.


Got it. No more back to school ads for me. Now I'll just comfort myself by thinking one day is just like another no matter the season.


You are so wise. Luckily, I started to snap out of it a bit.


I know there's no such thing as a Knight in shining armor, but I'd settle for a healthy relationship and winning the lottery. Is that asking too much?


I love FAll too, I'm just ascairt of Winter and it comes early to Iowa.


So, should I just try to avoid breathing?


I can't take a class because I have to be available for my girls, but I can start working on other projects. As soon as I get my ass in gear.


Let's do it. When can you play?


You were right. That's exactly what I did and now there isn't much more to do.


Brain fuzz. Hmmm. It's hard to find things in there.

Booda BAby,

You're so sweet. I'm going to try to chill out this weekend and see how that goes.