Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Little Things You Say and Do
So, here's the wedding date guy story:
He was at a party where he only knew his best friend and his best friend's girlfriend. He seemed kind of shy, so I tried to draw him out a bit. He was receptive, but still reserved. As the night wore on and he had more to drink, he was even more receptive and less reserved. He thought I was a fun party girl, but there probably wasn't much more to me than that. At one point he told me, "You are crazy, and that's really hot." An hour later he said, " I couldn't say no to anything you asked me." Really? How attractive is it when a guy tells you that? Extremely.
So, we had tons of chemistry, but that's all we knew about each other. Later when we talked when we were sober, we also had a lot of common interests. He admitted that originally his attraction was mostly physical, but after we had a real conversation, he was pleasantly surprised that I was not the person he thought I was. He asked how we were going to be able to have a relationship when we lived so far away from each other. I told him we probably weren't. If there was the hope of one of us moving closer to the other, that would be a different story. As things were, what I could give him was this: We could call and text whenever we wanted to, and whenever he came to town, I'd be happy to hang out with him. I figured that things would fizzle before we would have the chance to see each other. They didn't.
I invited him to be my date for that wedding in June. As I've already documented, we had a great time. He made plans to see me for the hippie music fest after that, and again we had a great time. At the beginning of that weekend, I felt the need to lay down some rules since this non-relationship was lasting longer than my last real relationship. "We should both feel free to do whatever we want when we aren't together in the same town, but I don't want to know anything about it, and I won't bother you with any of my details either. When either of us gets into a real relationship with someone else, then we need to tell the other one right away, and just be friends. Does that work?" He said, okay.
Before you go giving me shit about making too much about the distance thing, there are other factors to consider. He is several years younger than I am, (don't give me that look, if there was a datable man my age anywhere near this town, I'd be all over him) he wants a family eventually and I was done making babies in my twenties. The last thing I want, is for him to resent me for not being able to give him what he wants. If I accepted his offer for a relationship, he wouldn't be free to meet someone who might live closer to him, who wanted the same things he does.
The other thing is that we only know our weekend selves. He didn't even know I had curly hair until two weeks ago. He is more of a perfectionist, and my brain is messy and disorganized. Last time he was here, he even said that he doubted we'd still be dating each other if we lived in the same town and saw each other all the time. And since we'll never meet each other in real time, we won't ever know if it could work out.
So, now what we have is a fun, casual thing where we see each about one weekend a month. He's traveling this weekend, and I'm traveling the two weeks after that. We have a tentative plan to hang out the weekend I get back from California, but anything can happen in a month and my abandonment issues make me wonder whether I'll see him then or not. There were a couple of weeks last month where I didn't really hear from him, and it was hard to know if that meant he was over it, or if he was just busy. I finally texted him to check in and he texted right back to say that he was just busy, and he was very excited to see me again. I've never done this kinda, sorta relationship thing before. It's strange territory for me. In some ways it's hard to know what the rules and boundaries are. In others, it's really nice. I have tons of freedom and time and when we see each other, it's always fun and amazing. It's been good for me to learn how to let things go a little more and not take it all so seriously. And really, when you think about it, we are both conscientious people who genuinely care about and respect each other and have a lot of fun when we're together. What's not to like about any of that?