Sunday, April 22, 2007

Handing Tickets Out for God

Here is a big old tree that may or may not have survived the tornado.

As a parent, I've tried to caution my children about the evils of sniffing glue, dating guys who give themselves nicknames and writing down any personal information on their Myspace profiles. This weekend, I realized that I was severely negligent in one big area, I forgot to tell them not to talk to people who go door to door trying to sell their religion.

On Saturday afternoon, I had a small window in between coming home from Coadster's soccer game and taking Stinky and one of her friends to the mall, where I could squeeze in a seven mile run. As I was getting ready, my doorbell rang. I looked out to see two people who looked to be in their early twenties peering in my apartment.

"Hi. We talked to your daughter, Coadster a few weeks ago while she was home during Spring break and we thought we'd come back to check in on her. Did she tell you about us?" the well dressed woman asked.

"Um, no. Who are you?"

"We walk around to houses and talk to people about religion. I left a book with her, and I wanted to check to see if she read it."

"Oh, well. I think she's pretty happy with her own religion..."

"As Jehovah's Witnesses, we don't try to take people away from their own religions, we just try to add to that and see if we can give them a clearer understanding of the Bible's teachings. I thought I might talk to her about what happened at Virginia Tech this week..."

"Yeah. Okay. I get it. I think Coadster's already been inundated with news about Virginia Tech this week. I would rather you didn't talk to her about it. I have problems with religious groups using fear in order to obtain new members." By this point I was kind of pissed-off. If she hadn't been so condescending and annoying, I would probably have felt sorry for her. In general, it's not a good idea to come to my home and try to shove religion down my throat at any point during the day, but when you take up my precious time right when I'm jonesing for a free high, I may just turn into The Hulk on your ass.

"Oh, I think you misunderstood what we're actually trying to do here. Do you mind if I read you a little bit of scripture?"

What I wanted to say, was that I liked drinking alcohol and enjoyed having premarital sex very much and that unless her church condoned those things, I probably wasn't interested in hearing any scriptures. Instead, I toned it down, and said, "Sorry. I'm really not interested. I'm in a hurry and we're a family who loves celebrating our birthdays."


Remiman said...

They used to come around quite frequently years ago, but not so much in recent years. I couldn't do what they do. I wish they wouldn't either...I really hate being rude.

Got the cleaning done! ;-)

michelle said...

This story made me laugh. I have family members who are of that religious sect and they don't push it on me's hard not to ask them to tell all those other witnesses to just back off and keep away from my door.

a said...

love the birthday comment!

Margaret said...

yikes, we're told to worry about internet predators, but the religous zealots can come right to the door to talk to children when their parents aren't home.... nasty creepy

Not-faint-hearted said...

"I'm really not interested. I'm in a hurry and we're a family who loves celebrating our birthdays."

I'm SO stealing this line!!! ;-D

fringes said...

I try to remember that they are people. I am polite. Firm. Once I had to call the local Kingdom Hall to request being removed from their visit list. It worked.

dmarks said...

The last time I saw them, they drove up in a late-model Mercedes and were very well dressed.

I'm not sure the vibe they were trying to send, but the maximum $$$ showoff seemed cultish to me.

evil-e said...

What's the matter with guys with nicknames?? (hehe)

The Witnesses are hilarious, I encourage them to convert me. I have also gotten into arguments with born-agains and hardcore Baptists (some of my family). They all see my bad Catholisism as a foot in the door to rescue my already burning soul. Making these people chase their tails is like a sport to me--like shooting jesus-fish in a barrell.

Rachel said...

I was waiting for someone to crack a joke about the Mormon Missionaries but I guess that they aren't as prevalent as the JH's.
I used to want to marry a returned missionary when I was living with my Mormon mom. Hehehe
I had the JH's come to my house a couple of weeks ago. I hadn't even gotten out of my PJ's or washed the makeup off from the night before and I think that I scared them. She scuttled off my porch pretty quickly.

Brando said...

Next time you should answer the door while sniffing glue. That should work.

Sarah said...

Oh my, poor Coadster was probably just being super polite and listening to them and taking their book...

I also love the b-day comment and am cracking up. I think you caould apply that comment to any solicitor and it would get them to stop.

booda baby said...

Those proselytizers have some mighty interesting rules. Did they find it somewhere in some version of the Bible, that they should go out and intrude on the privacy of families, laying seige to all the doors of all the villages in the whole kingdom and, at first opportunity, when they spy a lone child, they should ignore the parent's role and responsibility?

I wouldn't care WHAT they were peddling, even if they were handing out big Publishers Weekly checks that you'd be able to live on for the next three years, WHO thinks it's right to descend on a child?

You were awfully nice to them.

David in DC said...

That's a spectacular response.

Polite, peremptory and it proves you know exactly what you're rejecting with the birthday reference.

TLB said...

You've just given me some excellent fodder for a story. (I've been trying to think of something to do with the Baptists who came to the house after the tornado.) Hope that's OK.

I love you in the face said...

Ha! That's the best.

othurme said...

I think they automatically took me off their visit list. I haven't seen them in awhile. I kinda miss them. I miss teaching them every word I know for the male genitalia and every place I can think of to stick it. Those were the good old days.

Dagromm said...

I can't believe they solicited religion to your child while you were gone. And then came back for another run. They might have been perfectly safe, but I don't think that would sit well with any parent.

Churlita said...


Yea for you. About the cleaning, that is.


They haven't been around here much until recently.


Thanks. I used to work with some ex-Witnesses when I lived in San Francisco and they filled me in a lot about their secret society.


I was really bothered by that too.


Have at it. You may need it if they come to your door next.


I tried really hard to be polite at first, but they can be relentless. I may have to find their number and call them if they stop by again.


Totally. It's weird when members of those kinds of religions have really expensive things. It makes you wonder how much the members have to shell out to make the higher ups more comfortable.


"like shooting jesus-fish in a barrell." Nice. The Baptists were around here last year after the tornado trying to scare us into religion.

And don't get me started on guys who give themselves nicknames...


I grew up in Arizona, so I've had plenty of experiences trying not to get converted by Mormons. I can even sing Mormon songs and everything.


I should answer the door sniffing glue, and then invent a really inappropriate nickname for myself, and introduce myself with it.


You know Coadster. She is way too nice. She's the kind of girl that everyone's parents love.

Booda Baby,

I don't like phone solicitors either. I always tell them that I don't like to have people bothering me at home and to send me whatever they want through the mail.

David in DC,



That's better than okay. I'm flattered. Do you still have the brochures the Baptists left that told us that the tornado was our fault from all the sinning we were doing? I'd love to get a copy of one of those. I'd also love to read your story when you've finished writing it.




That's quite a gift you've got there. Too bad you can't make money off that kind of creative vocabulary...Or can you?


I know, right? I was more than a little annoyed.

Les said...

I answer the door naked and act really glad to see them.....they dont stay long :)

TLB said...

Sure thing, I'll send it to you.

Killer said...

I gave your blog address to some Mormon friends of mine, I hope you don't mind.

They like to save people in the comments.

Churlita said...


I don't think that would have the same effect if a woman did it.




I'm sure better people than them have tried to save me. I don't seem to take to saving.