Sunday, November 05, 2006

What's Your Price for Flight?

This is the time of year for all good seniors in high school to apply for college. I'm not going to tell you how, but I have first-hand knowledge about what kinds of things might hurt you and those that could help you in the process. I just thought I'd take a little time out to talk to you about some things I've noticed.

First, I don't know if you all are aware of this, but you've already been labeled for marketing purposes. That's right, you are the Millenium Generation. Like the Boomer's the X'er's and the Y'er's, you have also been studied in order to sell you things better. One of the things marketers are aware of about you, is that because your parents are generally older, better educated, and chose to have less children than their predecessors, they've had more time and inclination to concentrate on you. This has made them more involved and active in your lives. And while their constant meddling has made things easier for you, there is also a downside. Your parents have serious control issues. Sure, they might apply to college for you and take care of all the bullshit you don't want to deal with, but this also means they think they have a say in where you go and what you do once you get there. Resist this. If you're not careful, even after you're eighteen, they will continually throw shit in your face by saying, "If I'm paying for your education, you better believe I'm going to make sure you're doing what you're supposed to be doing." Because you're young enough, I'm sure you'll find ways to get around it. It will just be harder for you than it was for us.

Second, I know you can't help what your parents name you, but last year I noticed that every girl born in 1987 was named Ashley. This year, every girl born in 1988 was named either Brianna or Britney. If this trend continues, will every girl born in 1989 be named Claire or Chloe? If we take that one more year, I'm hoping that the D names for 1990 will be my favorite urban white trash names like Donna, Denise or Delores.*

Third, just so you know, every single one of you writes a variation of the exact same personal statement and it's boring as hell to read. If you're a guy, you found music/football/soccer/skateboarding and it helped you overcome your feelings of isolation after having moved/been sick/been made fun of by the cool kids. If you're a girl, you were overwought by your parents' divorce/grandmother's death/father's hemorrhoid surgery until you discovered the beautiful freedom of expression inherent in dance/cheerleading/soccer. I just think it could help your chances if even one of you found God or wanted to start wearing tights and fighting crime or something, anything else.

Fourth, I know I already lectured last year's class about the funky e-mail addresses, but you still don't seem to understand that you should not apply to college using an e-mail address with a swear word or the number 69 in it. Honestly, I'm sure your friends think you're all clever and punk rock and shit, but the review commitee doesn't have a sense of humor and possessing that kind of attitude is not highly valued in academia. So, to the guy who's name was William and thought it was funny to apply to college with the word Billdo as part of his e-mail address, trust me, you're not doing yourself any favors.

Okay kids, I think that's enough to get you started. Now, go out and make good decisions...that is, after you spend the next four years smoking pot out of whatever metal objects you can find and buying twenty-one pitchers for your five friends on your twenty-first birthday.

*Because my middle name is one of these urban white trash names, I'm allowed to talk all the shit I want about them.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

Night Ranger rulz....

Churlita said...

Dude, during my first year in college, every dorm party included at least one Night Ranger song. And don't worry, I can name off more than just Sister Christian. Or maybe that's cause for worry.

Remiman said...

Churlita,
Somes times you just have to say it, whether they listen or not. ;-)
rel

Margaret said...

Are you Dolores?

Churlita said...

Remiman,

I've never been shy about just saying it.

Margaret,

Nope. My middle name is Denise. See what I mean?

Mr Atrocity said...

The novelty e-mail crowd sadly don't learn even when they graduate. The number of times I've had to reject showreels from "sexymonkey69@blah.com" etc. brings tears to the eyes. I have even had business cards with such addresses on them. In a way I'm sort of impressed, but not in the kind of way that would make me give them a job.

julie in l.a. said...

I can appreciate what you say about the funky email addresses. I've been trying to get this point across to my students for ages, but they never believe me that colleges aren't impressed by "sexylatinlover," or, "daddyslittleangel," or, my favorite, "lady_slappa_ho."

Churlita said...

Mr Atrocity,

I can't believe people would send stuff in with those kinds of e-mail addresses. It's one thing to be 17 and think that's okay, but to be an actual adult and do that is so sad.

Julie in L.A.,

Okay, I might just actually admit a student who didn't meet any of the requirements if they applied with the "lady_slappa_ho" e-mail address. I will be laughing at that for months to come.

ashley said...

this cracked me up. that's all i've got.

Churlita said...

Ashley,

that's just enough.

michelle said...

My Mum's middle name is one of those D names. I've seen many job applications with such ridiculous email addresses and can't believe people still think it's ok to use them under such circumstances. Idiots!

Churlita said...

Is your mom's middle name the same as mine?

Certain e-mail addresses should only be used for friends. Do you think they e-mail their mothers with those addresses?

Brando said...

Churlita, would an essay about how you can still rock in America be acceptable for admission?

Churlita said...

Brando,

Any essay that contains Night Ranger lyrics will get you into MY university.

broinlaw said...

I had the honor of seeing Night Ranger perform that classic at the Ottumwa Coliseum.
The warm up acts were Badfinger and a 300 pound Rick Derringer.

Oh, the time has truly come...

T.

Churlita said...

Bro In-law,

I don't know if I could handle a 300 lb Rick Derringer singing Rock and Roll Hootchie Coo.

How was Night Ranger?

Anonymous said...

Speaking of the price of flights, I did find a fantastic wine bar down here, Bistro Vin or Vin Bistro, where you can sample a multitude of fancy wines for relatively good price. Bartender even gave me a splash of a hundred dollar bottle of Pinot Noir to try gratis. It was yummy.

Churlita said...

Lucky. I wish I could afford to go to Arizona and drink $100 pinot noir. sigh.

Anonymous said...

All it will cost is compromising your standards as far as employers, giving up any decent benefits, and often spending time away from home. Sort of like the military but with room service.

TLB said...

I had the joy of seeing Night Ranger at the Winnebago County (Ill) Fair in 1988.

And yes, I am typing this without the use of my middle finger. Takes a lot longer.

Churlita said...

Dex,

I've been compromising my standards as far as employers go since I started working. It's the time away from home I couldn't do right now.

TLB,

At least you got to see them before they got old and fat. That's more than most of us can say...I love seeing cheesy bands at county/state fairs. It's so sad and funny at the same time.

michelle said...

No my mum's is not the same as yours, it's one of the others :) I know they email their mother's with those email addresses.

Churlita said...

My daughters would be so grounded if they e-mailed me with an address like that.