What's Your Price for Flight?

This is the time of year for all good seniors in high school to apply for college. I'm not going to tell you how, but I have first-hand knowledge about what kinds of things might hurt you and those that could help you in the process. I just thought I'd take a little time out to talk to you about some things I've noticed.

First, I don't know if you all are aware of this, but you've already been labeled for marketing purposes. That's right, you are the Millenium Generation. Like the Boomer's the X'er's and the Y'er's, you have also been studied in order to sell you things better. One of the things marketers are aware of about you, is that because your parents are generally older, better educated, and chose to have less children than their predecessors, they've had more time and inclination to concentrate on you. This has made them more involved and active in your lives. And while their constant meddling has made things easier for you, there is also a downside. Your parents have serious control issues. Sure, they might apply to college for you and take care of all the bullshit you don't want to deal with, but this also means they think they have a say in where you go and what you do once you get there. Resist this. If you're not careful, even after you're eighteen, they will continually throw shit in your face by saying, "If I'm paying for your education, you better believe I'm going to make sure you're doing what you're supposed to be doing." Because you're young enough, I'm sure you'll find ways to get around it. It will just be harder for you than it was for us.

Second, I know you can't help what your parents name you, but last year I noticed that every girl born in 1987 was named Ashley. This year, every girl born in 1988 was named either Brianna or Britney. If this trend continues, will every girl born in 1989 be named Claire or Chloe? If we take that one more year, I'm hoping that the D names for 1990 will be my favorite urban white trash names like Donna, Denise or Delores.*

Third, just so you know, every single one of you writes a variation of the exact same personal statement and it's boring as hell to read. If you're a guy, you found music/football/soccer/skateboarding and it helped you overcome your feelings of isolation after having moved/been sick/been made fun of by the cool kids. If you're a girl, you were overwought by your parents' divorce/grandmother's death/father's hemorrhoid surgery until you discovered the beautiful freedom of expression inherent in dance/cheerleading/soccer. I just think it could help your chances if even one of you found God or wanted to start wearing tights and fighting crime or something, anything else.

Fourth, I know I already lectured last year's class about the funky e-mail addresses, but you still don't seem to understand that you should not apply to college using an e-mail address with a swear word or the number 69 in it. Honestly, I'm sure your friends think you're all clever and punk rock and shit, but the review commitee doesn't have a sense of humor and possessing that kind of attitude is not highly valued in academia. So, to the guy who's name was William and thought it was funny to apply to college with the word Billdo as part of his e-mail address, trust me, you're not doing yourself any favors.

Okay kids, I think that's enough to get you started. Now, go out and make good decisions...that is, after you spend the next four years smoking pot out of whatever metal objects you can find and buying twenty-one pitchers for your five friends on your twenty-first birthday.

*Because my middle name is one of these urban white trash names, I'm allowed to talk all the shit I want about them.