Thursday, June 14, 2007

I Look through My Window So Bright

Just in case you were wondering, Stinky is still obsessively taking pictures of herself making goofy faces. Because in this house, we are nothing if not obsessive.

After work, I went to the memorial service for my friend's brother. It was very well done, but heartbreakingly sad. It was also extremely crowded. Again, I saw a lot of people who I either only talk to when they message me on Myspace or not at all. It sucks that it takes something tragic to get us all out of our lairs, but I'm just as guilty as everyone else.

At the end of the service, they invited people to come up and speak. Because he was only thirty when he died, his brother got up and talked about just what a lifetime meant and he was right on. My lifetime could be eighty years or it could be forty-one. My dad disappeared when he was 36 and my mom died at 43. I've been aware from a very early age that my odds are not that good.

When I was younger, I prepared myself and lived my life like I was going to die young. It was great until I was almost thirty and still alive. Then it hit me that the universe's terrible joke on me, would be to let me live until I was very old and all my earlier non-planning would really fuck me up good. So, I got more responsible and landed a job that would give me retirement benefits and as an extra bonus, gave me much to be resentful about as well. I left my controlling/abusive husband and lived my life like I might actually be around long enough to feel the effects of all the stupid shit I did in my twenties.

Now, however, when I attend funerals for people who died too young, it makes me ask myself that one ominous question: If I died tomorrow, what would make me happy about how I lived my life and what would piss me off? I can honestly think of a lot of things that I'm okay with. I think what I really need to work on is not spazzing as my initial reaction to any stressful situation and to quit obsessing about the things/people/situations I can't have, instead of being happy with what's here. And if this time of reflection is like all my others, I should be really aware of all this for the next day or two, until I slowly forget and start spazzing about all the shit I wish were different in my life.

17 comments:

Shaymus O'flatulence's Blog said...

hey nice glasses!

mist1 said...

I feel relatively prepared for my funeral. I have outlined detailed instructions as to which shoes I am to be buried in (the rest will be entombed with me). I have picked out a few outfits so that I can be dressed according to the weather. I have crafted a dress code because my cousin is trashy and will wear her animal feed company jacket anyplace.

Most importantly, I have notified my hairdresser that he is on call for my death. In the event that he dies before me, he is to take an apprentice who shall dedicate himself to the mastery of curly hair.

The only thing that I have left to do is to write a mass email to inform people of my untimely passing in which I will point fingers while simultaneously soliciting contributions in my memory to my charity of choice.

And yes, I do have a charity of choice. No, it does not have to do with shoes.

Babybull40 said...

How prepared can one be when it comes to planning their own funeral..? I know my parents have their plot already paid for.. How nice is that? Taking all the leg work away from me and my brothers... Not that I want to plan their funeral.. I think we do think about too much stuff that has happened in the past lives and not appreciating what is right in front of our noses...We tend to forget that.. I already know I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered... and same for hubby... that is all the planning needed ... fast and cheaper than a burial...

Margaret said...

maybe someone else could die young in a few weeks and remind you not to spaz? or you could just trust that you'll grow out of it around 80....

Tara said...

Shaymus beat me to it, I LOVE those glasses! I can never find those kind when I'm looking for new frames.

Poptart said...

OK, I just want to say how much I love your liberal use of the word spaz, in all its conjugations.

And yeah, I hope the universe's "terrible joke" is true: that you live longer than anyone. You are awesome.

Killer said...

I tend to err on the side of living life to the fullest. I am terrified of dying without trying everything first.

booda baby said...

I hope Questions like these are exactly why they invented short attention spans.

Remiman said...

Churlita,
I try to be me everyday. If I die and I'm somebody else well, shame on me. I can't remember where i was before I got here, and I don't know where I'm going when I die. So I'll just be me everyday.

I hate funerals and I've decided to skip mine. ;-)
rel

evil-e said...

I have just come to the realization that one day I will die, so be it. No regrets, no fear, just keep going until I drop and hope to piss off and entertain a few people along the way.

Most of my family has died too young and for that reason I do not have much left. If I am next, I am next. Of course, I have no kids and no wife.

Churlita said...

Shaymus,

Thanks. She really likes them.

Mist1,

It sounds like you have it all worked out. If you forget to write a will, just lead them to this comment here.

Babybull40,

I'm right there with you on getting cremated.

Margaret,

I have trust issues.

Tara,

Maybe they only have them in Iowa.

Sarah,

Thanks.

spaz, spazzes, spazzed, spazzing.

Killer,

That's the best way to live.

Booda Baby,

Questions? I don't remember asking any questions.

REl,

It sounds like a great plan.

Evil-E,

YOu sound totally health about it. What's that like?

fringes said...

Your daughters are so pretty.

notfainthearted said...

spazzing during life is what makes it fun for us at your funeral!

Long live the spazzing!!!!

The Furtive Wangler said...

Hi Churlita, I only see some of my relatives at funerals and then its all awkward silences because I don't know them as people.
I didn't opt for a pension with my first job because of similar reasons and I thought I could use the money for living. I was there 8 years and now I wish I had opted in. I didn't think I'd ever find someone and get married.

Churlita said...

Fringes,

Thanks.

Not,

Thanks...I think.

The Furtive Wangler,

IS there any way to get a pension now?

AlienCG said...

Live like you will die tomorrow, but prepare to live forever. Have no regrets of things in your past, they happened and nothing can be done to take it back.

l.b. said...

I like to think of myself as very zen about life and death, but truthfully, if I died tomorrow I would tend to feel that I hadn't done all I should do.

BTW, my daughter takes countless pictures of herself, mostly doing that lip thing or some variation. Digital photography must be one of the best things that ever happened for teen girls....