Just in case you were wondering, Stinky is still obsessively taking pictures of herself making goofy faces. Because in this house, we are nothing if not obsessive.
After work, I went to the memorial service for my friend's brother. It was very well done, but heartbreakingly sad. It was also extremely crowded. Again, I saw a lot of people who I either only talk to when they message me on Myspace or not at all. It sucks that it takes something tragic to get us all out of our lairs, but I'm just as guilty as everyone else.
At the end of the service, they invited people to come up and speak. Because he was only thirty when he died, his brother got up and talked about just what a lifetime meant and he was right on. My lifetime could be eighty years or it could be forty-one. My dad disappeared when he was 36 and my mom died at 43. I've been aware from a very early age that my odds are not that good.
When I was younger, I prepared myself and lived my life like I was going to die young. It was great until I was almost thirty and still alive. Then it hit me that the universe's terrible joke on me, would be to let me live until I was very old and all my earlier non-planning would really fuck me up good. So, I got more responsible and landed a job that would give me retirement benefits and as an extra bonus, gave me much to be resentful about as well. I left my controlling/abusive husband and lived my life like I might actually be around long enough to feel the effects of all the stupid shit I did in my twenties.
Now, however, when I attend funerals for people who died too young, it makes me ask myself that one ominous question: If I died tomorrow, what would make me happy about how I lived my life and what would piss me off? I can honestly think of a lot of things that I'm okay with. I think what I really need to work on is not spazzing as my initial reaction to any stressful situation and to quit obsessing about the things/people/situations I can't have, instead of being happy with what's here. And if this time of reflection is like all my others, I should be really aware of all this for the next day or two, until I slowly forget and start spazzing about all the shit I wish were different in my life.