Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Putting Out Fire With Gasoline

Here's me being a lame-ass and still using photos from last year at this time.

I've been in a weird mood lately. It's the kind of space I used to get into a lot when I was younger. I called it "restless" back then, but now I think it's just my ADD flaring-up. I have a hard time sitting still and I'm continually tempted to throw a match on the kerosene soaked rags of any unstable situation in my life. (and with me, that means most of them) I have to try extra special hard to tick-a-lock at work, for fear that I'll start saying what I really think and get myself in a mess of trouble.

This was the same mood that made me think it was a great idea to quit my job at nineteen, and leave all my friends in Iowa. I took a bag full of caffeine pills a friend of mine ordered out of the back of a punk rock magazine for me, some mixed tapes full of Bauhaus, Flipper, and really obscure Velvet Underground songs, and flew to California where I knew absolutely no one.

At least I've become a little smarter about it all - or maybe I just have kids and know I can't fuck things up for me and them. Now, I try to smash all that restlessness into a small, hard ball in my stomach and hope it doesn't start to grow back. I also spend all that energy creating really inappropriate scenarios in my head. It's so much safer. The big problem is trying to remember to keep my brain filter tightly in place, so I don't voice the bizarre shit that is amusing me so much in my tiny, wrinkled brain. Unfortunately for my girls, I'm not quite as careful in the privacy of my own home, where I am comfortable letting my weird out. By now they're used to it, and try to nip it in the bud.

Coadster: So, mom. I wanted to talk to you about dancing at my party on Saturday.

Me: Are you afraid I'm going to dance there? Oh my god. Wouldn't it be funny if I got really drunk, and started 80's dancing, totally off-beat to whatever music we had on? Then lurched off the dance floor and started slurring and hitting on all your male friends...?

Coadster: Mom. Mom! Stop. I was just trying to say that some of the kids might be dancing...You know, kind of close.

Me: Oh, like bumping and grinding?

Coadster: Yeah. Whatever. It's just how we dance now.

Me: I know that. I was in high school once too. I'll just tell you, that I'll put a stop to the bumping and the grinding, the minute I see any parts exposed.

Coadster: Okay. I think we're done now.


Lynnster said...

Man... having teenagers today has just got to be surreal.

Your girls are pretty cool though. If I had teenagers, with my luck I'd wind up with Eddie Haskell and Nellie Oleson...

Remiman said...

Sounds like you're able to keep a balance with your feelings...that's probably a good thing.
I learned after too many times to let my kids finish a sentence before ass u ming what they were going to say and looking "lame" as you call it.
I'm having similar feelings to what you describe, and it borders on pissing me off to have to surpress them! ;-)

Mr Atrocity said...

"Exposed parts"? Doesn't doing that invalidate the warranty? That's what my hi-fi says anyway. Perhaps you could have stickers for all the kids with "No user servicable parts" clearly printed on them?

I've suggested this stress management technique to Margaret on her blog but it suffices here too. Take a large cardboard box and a heftable piece of 2x4. Beat the box into its component molecules with the timber. This has really done the trick for me in the past.

michelle said...

God that conversation sounds just like one I'd have with my daughter.

Les Quinn said...

Does your daughter ever see her father?

Margaret said...

evil laugh, i wish i could come to the party, wearing my robe with the baboon ass painted right on it, and try to join the kids in their freaky dances.

those girl are so lucky to have you, leaky filter and all

Killer said...

I don't think i would want a house full of bumping and grinding teenagers, the hormone levels could reach epic proportions.

Your 80's dancing idea should be the emergency back up plan if anyone should get too randy.

A said...

oh I am so unready for teenagers - but I'd love to do some drunken 80's dancing - Wish I could be there for the Coadsters party - and by the way I still fight that restless bouncing off the sky-ness I used to call it the mean reds (because its not as mellow as the blues)- I'm not quite as good at not dragging the kids through it but I think it'll get them group discount on therapy some day - good luck with the weekend

booda baby said...

I decided to be agreeable and supportive of restraint, but FIRST I wrote (and then added the above): Oh, ADD my ass ass ass. When you've got as much brewing as YOU do and then you put a lid on it, what else can possibly happen?

Cheerleading doesn't have to be helpful.

Tara said...

At least she warned you about the imminent bumping and grinding type dancing, right? Hehe.

I do think you should dance 80s style, though. VH1 aired Michael Jackson's "Thriller" last weekend. You should totally dance like he does in the zombie-dance sequence.

Dagromm said...

Kids today don't know how to dance anyway. Not even the rappers dance anymore. It's actually kind of sad.
I miss Hammer and Kid n' Play. Where have you gone Heavy D? The country needs you now more than ever.

evil-e said...

I am being honest when I say, you made me laugh. Every kid should have a mom like you. I think I would have laughed up an organ or two if my mom responded like that. She's cool and all, but not randomly insane cool.

As far as your dancing....I hope it is not an "all over body dry heave set to music" --George Costanza

dmarks said...

Evil: That's what we need around here, really. A blogging woman who's avatar/icon is Elaine Benes.

mac said...

when did we grow up/become adults/grow old churlita? remember when that was us a million years ago.

I've lived my whole life restless. The restlessness is growing in me again and my blog reflects it.

Heather Anne said...

If you decide to 80s dance, I'd like it on YouTube. Thanks.

Dexter said...

Sounds like they re-released Dirty Dancing back in theatres just in time...

Churlita said...


The weird thing is, that teens aren't all that much different - except all the fun electronics. They even listen to similar music and wear a lot eighties clothes again - with much lower waists.


Yeah. I would love to be the kind of person who is content and doesn't get all itchy all the time.

Mr Atrocity,

That is so funny.

What I like to do is take my recycling in and loudly break all the glass. It makes the most satisfying sound.


But I bet you were more appropriate, weren't you?

Les Quinn,

Their dad lives 3 blocks down the street from us. They spend most of their time with me, though. He's just finishing a play, so they will see him more often now.


i wish you could too.


At least the party is at the rec center.

My 80's dance could definitely be teh over-sexed teen antidote.


I think that's why we were such good roommates. We both understood that about each other.

Booda Baby,

Oh, absolutely. If I don't put a lid on it, I won't be a very good parent...Even if I put a lid on it, I am extrememly inappropriate.


I know, right?

Of course, we have Thriller. They might be dwon with the zombie dance.


I would love it if all the kids showed up in harem pants. Hammer Don't Hurt 'em.

Churlita said...


Thanks. If every kid had a mom like me, we would need a lot more therapists.

I don't dance like Elaine. I promise.


maybe there is one. You just haven't met her yet.


I've grown older, but I have yet to become a grown-up or an adult. I'm holding out on those.

Heather Anne,

I will totally link to it on my blog.


I will be happy if I never hear about Baby and Johnny every again.

evil-e said...

Be sure to stop over for Celebrate Iowa Day over at "the Crap"...

Sarah said...

Holy crap, she said "we" - that means SHE might dance all dirty with some boy. No! No! Not the Coadster!

(Good luck with the party, Churlita!)