And Maybe We'll Get Lucky and We'll Both Grow Old

Here is a kitschy little thing.

Oh, kids. The big side effect of being this happy, apparently, is stupidity. But I guess it could be worse...I could be unhappy and stupid.

I know this is getting boring for you all, but I had another wonderful night with the guy. I decided to go back and make the meal that exploded on me on Friday. Tonight, went without incident. The salmon was perfect, the lemon spinach couscous was wonderful and the veggies sauteed in garlic butter and white wine were nice too. And all new and improved and glass free!

I got a text from a friend tonight letting me know that Erik and his friend Boom Boom were going to be in town and hosting a happy hour dealy at the Dublin tomorrow evening. I think I'll stop down around 6'ish when I get done giving a plasma and do a drive-by. I kind of like doing that - I breeze down, have one beer, say hello to everyone I want to say hello to and go on my merry little way. Easy breezy.

And Everything Was Made for You and Me

My garden's last gasp.

Sadly, we didn't get to do the Monday night ride. Bry wussed-out because he thought it would be too cold, the guy had things he needed to get done and G. was off in Mexico, sunning on the beach. (it's hard not to hate her a little right now) I have to say, Mondays are way lamer without the ride and margaritas to look forward to. I guess I'm going to have to get over it, because it will only get colder out in the next few months. Sigh.

There are good things about the cold weather, and I'll just have to try to appreciate them. I do love hibernating. Even though I resist it, I actually like slowing down and relaxing more than I do in the Summer. Even though I haven't done it much, I'm getting excited about sitting down and writing more. I'm also fond of that feeling when we have a big snow in the evening and I don't have to be anywhere or drive in it and I can look out my window and see it sparkling under the streetlight and appreciate how insulated everything feels. I guess as with anything, we have to sacrifice things with every season, in order to get to the good stuff.

We're So Pleased to be With You

At the Dublin on Homecoming.

Friday night was wonderful. We went on our date to that restaurant and it was lovely. We had some tuna as an appetizer and then shared our entrees and a bottle of Zinfandel. It was still warm enough to sit outside and the guy really liked the place and the ambiance.

Me among the pumpkins.

Saturday was a lazy day. I woke up and took Stinky to work and came home just as Close Encounters of the Third Kind was starting. Of course, I had no choice but to watch the whole thing. I ran my 6 mile route, did some laundry but not a whole hell of a lot else.

We took the tractor tour of the orchard.

I was in kind of a mood on Saturday night. The guy and I planned to go to the Dublin as a couple for the first time. I liked to call it our coming out ball. It just happened to be Homecoming and the place was packed. Most of my favorite girlfriends were out, but I was a little overwhelmed to be able to talk to everyone. I finally got to a point where I had to take off, or my head would explode.

Stinky picking apples.

On Sunday I realized what my moodiness had been about the night before. That's right. Churlita's migraine came to town. It was a vicious one that took all of the migraine meds I was allowed to take to quell..For the most part. Stinky and I went to the apple orchard today. It was chilly at first but then got really nice out.

We had a fun afternoon together and got to talk and pick apples and hang out, which doesn't happen very often. We went to Panera's for lunch and had soup, bread and lemonade before she went to work.

I stopped off at G.'s house to talk to her and D. before G takes off for Mexico for a week tomorrow. After that, I was officially wiped out and had to go home to rest before I picked up Stinky from work and her boyfriend came over and we ate cheeseburgers for dinner.

Aside from the migraine, it was a great weekend. I hope yours was too.

Well, You Just Laughed it Off. It Was All Okay,

Hey, lookee there. It's my astrological sign - the crab. (shut-up)

So, by the time most of you read this, it will be my birthday. I know last year I talked a lot about not being afraid to tempt the fates by being unabashedly happy. I think this year, I've been trying to work on not letting the bad things in life bring me down. Not that I shouldn't let myself feel negative emotions, but I shouldn't the bad stuff in life overwhelm the good. Good should always win out, right? I do try to work on this in general, but I have noticed some people in their forties get bitter and stop trying, because they don't think things can work out anyway, and I don't want to be like that. So, if I get rejected or I'm not as good at something as I'd like, but I have fun doing it, I'm going to keep trying and I'm going to do whatever it is anyway.

So, with that in mind, my 4 day birthday weekend looks like this: in the morning I'm going running. In the afternoon I'm going to learn how to kayak. I'm planning on tipping it over a few times but it seems like the kind of thing I'll like once I get the hang of it. In the evening, I'm meeting friends at the Dublin. (Really? Weird) The Girl Crush is even coming, so I'm extra special excited.

On Saturday afternoon both my girls will finally be available to play. I think we're going out for lunch and a matinee as soon as Stinky gets off work.

Sunday I want to go on a long bike ride and then I'll try to go to a BBQ for a friend who is visiting from China. She used to work at the Mill with me, so most of the people there I've known since I was 19.

On Monday, I'm going to try and work on house projects and run and play, if there's time.

So, I'll keep trying new things and keep putting myself out there as a friend, as a writer, as a runner and as a whatever and if I get rejected, I'll dust myself off and keep at it. Why not? Like I tell my girls...We don't get do-overs in life, but we do get right nows. So, starting right now, I'll be kicking my fear of failure/mediocrity's ass.

Come Back, Get Back, That's Part of Success

Here is a screen.

Oh, kids. Things are so much better now that the funk fog has lifted. I know I need to navigate through the negativity sometimes, to come back better on the other side...And that's where I am now - safely over THERE.

Sure, my house has more issues than even I do, but it's mine and it's pretty damn cute, and the gladiolas and black-eyed susans and cone flowers and dahlias are just getting ready to bloom in my garden. I don't get to see my girls as much as I'd like, but they're awesome and healthy and funny and strong-willed and self-possessed and not afraid to embrace their inner dorkiness and all those things I wish I could have been at their age. I live in Iowa and the weather is hot and stormy and chronically humid, but I can still run in it and feel kick-ass at the end of my 6 mile route. I'm going to be 45 years old in less than two weeks, but I feel better emotionally (which is the big one) and physically than I have in my whole life. I don't have shit for cupboards or counter space, but I can still whip up some amazing, healthy fresh meals, if I do say so myself...And that appears to be what I'm doing. There are so many things to learn, read, write, feel, see, experience, eat, play and people to meet, that I won't get bored for the rest of my life...So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm back to grabbing big handfuls of life and devouring them again. Oh, and also....Tra la la la la la la la la la. I'll continue to sing that song until the next episode.

Peace Came Upon Me and it Leaves Me Weak

All the rain here lately seems to be great for fungus.

Oh my Gawd, kids. It just keeps raining and raining and raining. This weekend was spent dodging storms and trying to do as many outdoor projects as possible before the rain started again. Today I managed to FINALLY finish planting all my lilies. If I'm lucky, they'll bloom before the first frost.

Looking down at the flat top.

I've been thinking a lot about death lately, since my friend's fiance passed and since the book I'm reading is all about loss. I feel lucky in some ways losing so many people who were close to me at such a young age. It's made me appreciate everything so much more...And to think about what would be important to me in my life if I were to die right now. So, I've been cataloging in my head the things I need to make an effort to do in my life:

1. Appreciate all the people I have while I have them...That means telling them how much I care about them and doing as much for them as possible. I know that's hard for some people to do, but it's so important.

2. Try not to let fear get in the way of the things I want to do or try. This has been tough for me in the past, but I continue to work on it. I'm almost always glad when I try something new.

3. Ask for what I want and know that I deserve it. I know I've talked about this before. It doesn't mean that I should be demanding, it means that I shouldn't be so damn scared of rejection.

4. Figure out what's important to me and then work for it. Sometimes the hardest part of this, is figuring out what's important to me.

5. Fix my shit. Again, I have to figure out what bothers me about myself first and then find ways to work on it.

6. Don't let anyone else make me feel like I'm not good enough. This one has taken me YEARS to work on...I was so good at letting people make me feel like shit about myself for so long, it's hard for me to stop doing it. Once I realize that someone is trying to do it to me, I have to just stay away from them. As I've said before, I have a hard time letting go of people...No matter how shitty they are to me.

7. Allow myself to rest and relax and slow things down and live in the moment...Uh, yeah. Like I said, I'm a work in progress. I'm trying hard to be better at this one.

8. Don't allow how I picture things in my head, to tarnish the way things actually are. I think that's a big control thing. Where I've imagined something and then when it doesn't materialize that way in the real world, I need to let go of my vision and be happy with what I have instead.

9. Realize every day is a gift and treat it like that. Sometimes there are only 5 minutes of good in a day -then I have to focus on those 5 minutes... Because if I look hard enough, there will always be at least 5 minutes.

10. Take good care of my teeth...Just in case I don't get hit by a bus tomorrow.

What are your words of wisdom for appreciating the hell out of your life?

I Did My Best, It Wasn't Much

Here is my salvia plant.

Oh, kids. This has been one insanely busy week. I feel like I could sleep the entire weekend. Of course, I won't. I get off work at noon again tomorrow. I've been so spoiled with that, and I do really appreciate it. This week there's no way around it. I have to finish my cupboards. When E. was here last weekend, he pointed out that my brother bought me the wrong kind of sander. I still haven't taken it out of the box, so I'm going to Lowe's tomorrow to see if they'll let me exchange it for an orbital sander. I doubt I have the receipt anymore, but it's worth a shot, right?

There's a 50% chance of rain tomorrow. So, we'll see if I get a run in or not. The rest of the weekend is supposed to be really warm. As you all know, I love hot weather. I usually get all crazy and full of energy. I hope I get as much done as I need to, since I only have a week until Coadster's grad party. Eek!

Tomorrow night I'd like to stay home and just relax. I hope that works out for me. Stinky babysits for my friend Heidi's friend and on Saturday, Coadster will babysit for my friend Heidi herself and Stinky will have a friend spend the night.

There are rumors that Erik will be in town to visit. I haven't seen him since last November, so if It works out, it will be nice to catch up. If not, I have enough to keep me busy throughout the weekend and then some.

So, how about you all? Will you be energized by the heat or reconnecting with old friends?

Just As Hate Knows Love's the Cure

Here is a table full of Hayden Fry's.

Okay. I'm done whining about finding a subletter...For now, anyway. I'm still working diligently on it, but I'm trying not to "soak in it" so to speak. I'm sure my attitude adjustment has a lot to do with me getting a nice 6 mile run in this evening. I've never taken any before, but endorphins have to be better than Prozac as a mood stabilizer. Ahhhhhh.

After we ate, Coadster and I went to put up a flyer or two and since we were on that side of town, we stopped at Menards to look for paint colors and counter tops and do something a little more positive in regards to buying our house. I found the perfect shades I wanted for my bedroom and the kitchen. I'm still working on the living room paint, but Coadster has a lot better idea for her room too.

Looking ahead to the weekend...The weather looks amazing. It's supposed to get up to 69 degrees on Saturday. Sweet! Tomorrow night, both of the girls will be at the high school play-off game. I have someone who is supposed to look at the place around 6'ish, so I'll wait unitl after that to run. Then I'll probably watch a movie and tackle cleaning, sorting and packing up our big walk-in closet.

On Saturday I'll have to get up before 6 again, since Coadster is volunteering and then racing in the Run for Relief benefit. This year the money is going to the Free Med Clinic. Stinky has to work, so she can't run, but she did donate some cash instead. Later in the afternoon, Coadster and some of her friends will meet to plan the first dance marathon at the high school to raise money for the Iowa Children's Hospital. I think they're also going to try and get kids from the Eastside grade schools to participate. It should be pretty cool.

Those darn Hawkeyes will be playing Northwestern on Saturday. The consensus seems to be that being on the cover of Sports Illustrated will jinx them and they will lose every game from here on out. Personally, I have total faith that they will actually play a WHOLE game this week and that will be awesome to finally see...But I've been known to be a sucker for false hope too.

I am definitely planning on running and hopefully biking this weekend. I have a lot of work to do at home, but there's no way in hell I'm going to let good weather in November go to waste. I'm pretty sure that's a sin that would send me straight to hell.

My Saturday night is up in the air. My friend G. has been sick all week and might not go out. There's also a rock show I might go to. It's a band that Mr. B. really likes, so there's a good chance he'll be there. I haven't spoken to him since June, but I am sooooooo over him, that I think it would be just fine to see him again. Who knows? Maybe we could actually even work on a friendship. Eh, it's not something I'm going to waste a lot of time or energy on either way. It will just be nice to see him and not care anymore. You know?

And now blog readers, it's your turn. Lay it on me. What are all of your exciting weekend plans. Will you be running for relief, or just relieved that you won't be running from an ex anymore?

First, When There's Nothing but a Slow Glowing Dream

Here are some photos I took last year at the Halloween barn, on Scott Blvd.

Okay...I finally got news on the FHA appraisal and inspection. The lender was great and emailed me a copy of the report and called me right away to tell me over the phone. The house appraised at about $4,000 more than I'm paying for it and it passed the inspection with flying colors. Yea! I talked to the lender about what I should be fretting over next (you know there's got to be something). He said right now, the underwriter is going to look at it. They could see something we didn't catch, but the chances are pretty slim. He said for the most part, the only thing that could trip us up now is if the seller has any serious liens against the house. About a month ago, I Googled the address and saw that the city council just dropped a lien against the house in August. Hopefully, that's the only one. Anyway, according to my lender, I should feel free to get excited and there is really only a 1 % chance that I won't get my house. So, here's me getting excited: YEEEEEEE HAAAAAAW!...And here's me calming down a little, because there is still a 1% chance that something will fall through. He said I might know for sure, for sure by Monday.

The lender guy did say to me that he wished all his clients were as well-prepared and diligent as I was, and that really cracked me up.

Here is a shot of most of the front of the barn.

So, yeah. It's the weekend coming up here. I'm not sure what I'm doing on Friday. There's a big RAWK! show at Kandyland. The bar is closing and this is their last live gig. I probably should go to that, because a lot of my friends will be performing and I haven't gone out to support them in forever. The only thing is that Coadster has All State auditions on Saturday. I have to have her at the high school at 6 am. I just don't know if I can fit it all in, and my girls always come first.

I should be very ready to go out and celebrate and have a beer on Saturday night. It's one of the first weekends in forever when I don't have friends coming in from out of town. I'm hoping for a nice mellow evening at the bar with a few close friends, but who knows how things will actually go down...Oh, and I'll spend my days cleaning and packing and organizing and running as much as possible too.

What about you all? Will you be celebrating some aweome news, or will you be rising at an ungodly hour to make sure your kids get where they need to be?

Can't Replace or Relate, Can't Release or Repair

Here is the top of a bridge railing on Glendale Street.

So, let me try harder tonight not to be such a damn downer. Here is the portion of my blog where I am all full of the goodness of my fellow person and can see a little piece of beatific light in every human being I meet...At least for another hour or two, until I go back to my cranky, distrustful self.

Remember how when we left our heroine last night, she had just escaped the clutches of the creepy tow truck driver, and was all spazzy about her disabled transport device and the unknown fate of her beloved camera? Well, let me relate to you a heartfelt, feel good story that took place right here in bucolic Iowa. I am a girl who isn't very good at fixing things and even worse at asking for help. My friend K. knows this about me and totally worked around it. She emailed me at work today to say that she would take me car battery shopping after work and her housemate J. would be happy to install it for me. Awesome, huh? But wait, it gets better. Then she called me to say that J. was worried that I wouldn't spend the money I needed to buy a decent battery, so they just went out together and bought one and were headed to my house to install it. Wha? That's the kind of shit that can almost make me cry, it's so sweet.

As a single mom, one of my biggest fantasies is to have help. You know, that kind of assistance you get when you actually have a partner in crime? This, for me, was almost better. Who doesn't want some magic elves to show up and just fix your broken shit and make your problem go away? I am the luckiest girl alive.

The camera dilemma hasn't been so easily solved. I stopped into the Dublin Underground on my 3 o'clock break to talk to the owner. He's known me since I was eighteen, so he was sure that if they had found a camera, and it was mine, he would have known it. Damn, out of luck there. I can only think of a few scenarios for its disappearance. One is that I forgot to put it in my bag at the bar and someone swiped it. Two is that it fell out of my bag in the tow truck, but nothing else was missing. Now, I'm not one much for physics on account of all the math it requires, but don't you think that if my bag tipped over, other things would have fallen out with it? Three is that when I got home, I was spazzing so hard about the battery and the money it was going to take replace and wah and wah, that I took my camera out of my bag and put it somewhere logical, like in the freezer, and didn't even remember it. If I could invent one device to save my disorganized ass on a daily basis, I would make something where I could call every item I owned by a different number on my phone and it would make it beep or ring, so I could find it wherever the hell it was hiding in my house.

I will wait a day or two to replace my camera, just in case it does show up. Remember? I'm a sucker for false hope? I can't imagine being cameraless. How else am I going to obsessively document everything I see and experience? The big drag, is losing all the photos I took last night. There were some awesome ghoulish shots of me and K. and her dog freaking out about trick-or-treaters. I got good photos of costumes. One guy was dressed up like Ariel. (the Little Mermaid) He was a totally hot Asian guy, so the red wig looked especially nice - that and his big clompy, white tennis shoes under his fins. I even got a perfect picture of the condom dispenser in the men's bathroom at the Dublin. Oh, the humanity!

Hey, you know. One of these days here, I might even write about the fun things that happened on Halloween.

The Way I Talk is Just the Way I Talk

Well, whadaya know, another photo from the state fair last year. Let's hope to god I get new ones posted tomorrow night. We got our iPod newly stocked and charged, and I'm all ready to make myself sick eating meat on a stick (shut-up) and funnel cakes. I should be back early in the evening to try and read blogs and stuff.

Hey, I thought you might all appreciate this new thing I'm going to try out on here today - I'm actually going to take a break from my incessant whining and wallowing. Yeah, I thought you'd like that. Instead I'm going to talk about a new friend I made on Saturday night. Her name is B. and she is ever so much fun.

My friend K. introduced me to her and when she found out I'd just been dumped she said, "You should definitely get drunk and then you should have sex with W., (a local musician) but make sure he wears a condom because he's apparently done it with every other girl in town too." I took her up on her wonderful getting drunk idea, but I stayed far away from the man whore. I didn't want to have to make a visit to the free clinic on top of everything else I've got going on right now.

The other cool thing about her, is that she grew up in Utah as a non-Mormon, and I grew up in Mesa, Arizona as a non-Mormon, which is practically the same exact situation. My friend K. who also has had strong Mormon influences in her life, and B. and I tested out our memory of Mormon children's songs. Later in the evening, after I was sloppy (read: screeching) drunk, I thought it was really funny to mix the Mormon lyrics with metal songs. One of them I sung went something like this: "Book of Mormon stories that my teacher tells to me, are about the Lamanites WHO UNLEASHED THE DOGS OF WAR! (the last part was sung in that growly metal voice - you know the one) Anyway, because B. humored me through all of that, she is now my new BFF.

There, I made it through a whole post without whining... And you thought I couldn't do it.

Mother Needs Something Today to Calm Her Down

Another old photo from last year. Yeah, I suck.

So, here's kind of a weird thing. I think I experienced some anxiety today. I was all weird, and I had a burning feeling in the pit of my stomach and I was breathing shallowly and my shoulders were way up by my ears and worst of all, I was annoyingly needy. That's anxiety, right? It didn't seem to be related to anything specific. I even had it before I went to the mall this afternoon, which is normally a good cause for stress. Can I just feel anxious for no reason, or do I have to do some kind of past life regression thing to find out I'm actually remembering being burned at the stake in the 1600's?

I recall having it last Fall for a day or two, but since then, I've been okay. (about that particular issue, anyway) Because it appears to be gone now, and I'm a half-full kind of girl, I'm going to go ahead and assume it was the tail end of that funk I had last week and when I wake up tomorrow, I'll be perky and happy and bursting with life.

Just in case it does come back, what do people normally do to treat it? And please don't suggest I listen to CD's of crickets chirping, because insects make me tense. As far as I'm concerned, alcohol, drugs and sex usually make everything better, but will they work for anxiety? I'm thinking that maybe tomorrow, while all my neighbors are at work, I could break into a few houses and see what they have in their medicine cabinets. Surely, somebody somewhere on my block has some Valium, Vicodin or Xanax they're not using. Hell, even if it doesn't ever come back, it might be fun to see what I could make use of from my neighbor's medicine cabinets.

Hey, I've Got Nothing to Do Today but Smile

You'll all be happy to know that I finally had that date with my couch tonight, and it was well worth the wait. It wasn't like I didn't want to spend time with him, it was just all that other stuff that had to come first. It finally meant taking a half day off of work, to make it happen.

Normally, I get home from work at five, get a run in, make dinner, drive girls places, help with homework, and by the time I look at the clock it's almost ten. Today, I got home around 12:30, ran my eight mile route, putzed and cleaned, picked girls up, picked up dinner, dropped off girls, talked to my friend who came to get Coadster to babysit for her and looked up and it was 6:30. It was a strange feeling. The first thing I thought was, "Hellooooooo, couch."

I decided to finally catch up on my Sopranos watching, since Mr. Dateman looked kind of incredulous when I told him I hadn't seen the last couple of episodes yet. I rectified that tonight, and now all I can think is, "Jaysus!" One of the last scenes was a doozey. I am very thankful for my teeth. That's all I'm going to say. Oh, I lied. I'm also going to say that it sounded like a great idea when I told my friend to stay out as late as she wanted, and I'd pick up Coadster whenever she was ready, but now I'm tired and I may just have to lie down and wait for that call.

Let's Talk About the Future Now We've Put That Past Away

Here in Iowa, we have lots of barns.

I live in a duplex, and right now two women live above me. I don't think they knew each other before they moved in and apparently, they don't get along.

One of them is a nursing major who drives a silver BMW. She comes home late and drunk most nights. Judging from the sounds emanating from their apartment, she must also bring home several midgets that she makes curl up and then throws into bowling pins in her living room. I think she's said "hi" to me once or twice. I have a feeling we will never be best friends and call each other to talk about our boyfriends or the cute shoes we just bought.

The other roommate is a graduate student from Germany. She is very personable, her English is better than mine, (which, I guess isn't saying much) and she brought me homemade brownies one night last Winter when I had a craving for chocolate, but was too lazy to leave my house in order to buy any. The best thing about her, is that she seems to have an endless supply of really hot, nerdy looking guy friends (you know the kind that wear the Elvis Costello glasses?) who come over and sit in our front yard smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. In other words, she's perfect.

The bad news, is that the perfect roommate is leaving to go home to Germany for the Summer tomorrow, so I'm stuck with the sounds of midget bowling upstairs. The good news, is that the German roommate is coming back in the Fall and the BMW girl is moving out, so my chocolate consumption, as well as the scenery should really pick-up for the rest of the year here.