Monday, June 14, 2010

Peace Came Upon Me and it Leaves Me Weak

All the rain here lately seems to be great for fungus.

Oh my Gawd, kids. It just keeps raining and raining and raining. This weekend was spent dodging storms and trying to do as many outdoor projects as possible before the rain started again. Today I managed to FINALLY finish planting all my lilies. If I'm lucky, they'll bloom before the first frost.

Looking down at the flat top.

I've been thinking a lot about death lately, since my friend's fiance passed and since the book I'm reading is all about loss. I feel lucky in some ways losing so many people who were close to me at such a young age. It's made me appreciate everything so much more...And to think about what would be important to me in my life if I were to die right now. So, I've been cataloging in my head the things I need to make an effort to do in my life:

1. Appreciate all the people I have while I have them...That means telling them how much I care about them and doing as much for them as possible. I know that's hard for some people to do, but it's so important.

2. Try not to let fear get in the way of the things I want to do or try. This has been tough for me in the past, but I continue to work on it. I'm almost always glad when I try something new.

3. Ask for what I want and know that I deserve it. I know I've talked about this before. It doesn't mean that I should be demanding, it means that I shouldn't be so damn scared of rejection.

4. Figure out what's important to me and then work for it. Sometimes the hardest part of this, is figuring out what's important to me.

5. Fix my shit. Again, I have to figure out what bothers me about myself first and then find ways to work on it.

6. Don't let anyone else make me feel like I'm not good enough. This one has taken me YEARS to work on...I was so good at letting people make me feel like shit about myself for so long, it's hard for me to stop doing it. Once I realize that someone is trying to do it to me, I have to just stay away from them. As I've said before, I have a hard time letting go of people...No matter how shitty they are to me.

7. Allow myself to rest and relax and slow things down and live in the moment...Uh, yeah. Like I said, I'm a work in progress. I'm trying hard to be better at this one.

8. Don't allow how I picture things in my head, to tarnish the way things actually are. I think that's a big control thing. Where I've imagined something and then when it doesn't materialize that way in the real world, I need to let go of my vision and be happy with what I have instead.

9. Realize every day is a gift and treat it like that. Sometimes there are only 5 minutes of good in a day -then I have to focus on those 5 minutes... Because if I look hard enough, there will always be at least 5 minutes.

10. Take good care of my teeth...Just in case I don't get hit by a bus tomorrow.

What are your words of wisdom for appreciating the hell out of your life?


crazy4coens said...

Ditto. You did good.

laura b. said...

These are great goals, that I'm sure can be universally appreciated.

I don't know what I could add to those words of wisdom...maybe for me, just being cognizant that what goes around comes around. I want to just keep putting the good out into the world, hoping it will come back to me.

Mnmom said...

Those are all wonderful!
I wish I had learned all that at 16 - would have made life so much easier.

rel said...

I think most of us have those same fears and frustrations; I know I do.
My perscription;
Smile at everyone I meet and say hello if close enough.
Accept compliments. This is a hard one for me but it's getting easier.
Don't kill anyone.
Realize that I wouldn't b here if God didn't have a plan.
BTW; you're a really great person!

AlienCG said...

How true this advice is. I can relate to the idea of losing those that are close to me. I lost my uncle and grandmother within about two months of each other. I appreciate every day that I have with the people that are left.

Thanks for sharing.

Tara said...

Those are goals we should all have, especially letting the ones we love know how much we care, realizing our own worth and not letting fear stand in our way.

My mom gave me a plant awhile back, and there is fungus growing from it. I have to lay off the watering for awhile. Otherwise, the regular leaves are growing like crazy.

SkylersDad said...

My advice is that you can never tell somebody that you love them too many times, and this old saying:
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
Maya Angelou

jeci said...

I so relate to No. 6...

As for my own wisdom...well right now I seem to be learning that there actualy is some pleasure to be found in all those menial and mundane things we adults have to do. I have to remind myself constantly that slacking off doesn't make me happy. Not that I love cleaning toilets or anything, but I love being a person with clean toilets. But from what I can tell about you, you are a go-getter who does not have 15 minute arguments with herself about doing the dishes!

Churlita said...

Crazy, Thanks and great profile pic.

LAuraB., Perfect. I want to be a positive force in the world...And it isn't always easy to do.

MnMom, Me too. I also wish I didn't h ave to keep relearning them in my 40's either. ha ha.

REl, Thank you. That "don't kill anyone can be particularly tricky sometimes. :)

AlienCg. I don't want anyone to die with me feeling like I didn't do enough or tell them how I felt about them enough.

Tara, I once had a plant that grew this crazy neon green mushroom in it. I'm sure that meant it was dangerously poisonous, but it was so beautiful too.

Jeci. You are so wrong on that one. I constantly have to make myself just get up and do stuff. If I don't the thought of it all can be so overwhelming that I waste a lot of time putting it off. I'm like you, I'm so happy when it is done too.

Churlita said...

Skyler's, That is so true. I think it feels just as good to be the one who makes someone else feel good about them as it does to be the recipient.

booda baby said...

I wish and hope and beg and all those other things that pretend to be any kind of influence: please take number 5 off your list right now. Please. Please? (A question mark always works better.) Seriously and truly, imagine that all you did was work on what's great about you - the flaws are flaws and hardly need any more attention. Who gives a shit. But you take all that energy you'd waste on fixing and put it towards growing/inspiring/making shine and ... I do not know how it's possible that you wouldn't get all the rest of your super duper excellent list done much faster. Better. Higher.

Churlita said...

Booda Baby, When I talk about fixing my shit, it's mostly about taking care of the last residual shit left from an abusive childhood. The little bits of lack of self-esteem and insecurities that I need to whittle away at...Not quirks, but dangerous behavior that I've almost wiped out of my world, but need to be stamped out for good. A lot of my survival skills that kept me from getting hit when I was younger, don't translate into adulthood when I don't normally have to worry every second what kind of abuse might come my way. That's all I meant by number 5. It really is positive to get rid of that bad stuff.

Johnny Rojo said...

Great set of goals.

I spent a lot of my youth feeling pretty bad about myself, and consequently doing some pretty stupid things. One of the keys to getting away from it was realizing that nobody else could actually make me feel bad about myself-- only I could do that. I stopped giving people that power over me.

booda baby said...

I should've written this right away, but I wanted to really think about your reply. In the end, what I was going to say originally is still the same: you, of course, will know best the habits that protected you once, but have no more use. I'm always going to be on your side. I truly love reading you shine and take good care of things and ... all the wonderful, small adventures of your life but I also know (or at least am willing to guess) that most of us have quite the fucking obstacle course to pass before we arrive at some of those easy, peaceful moments.

That's all. I just wanted you to know I was listening. Well. Reading. :)