Monday, November 10, 2008

If You Don't Expect Too Much From Me, You Might Not Be Let Down

Here is a little old bug in a very large parking lot.

I've got two things tonight. Let's see how mercifully short I can make this.

2.) Remember when I told you about how my friend K. tried to pick-up a guy for me on Friday night, but wasn't very successful? Okay, so then this morning, I'm walking to work when I get a text from her that says something like, "OMG. I think the failed pick-up guy is in the paper today."

When I finally get a chance to check, I see that not only is it the same guy, but he is a teacher at my daughters' school and worked on a movie with my ex-husband. Awesome. I was laughing at lunch with a co-worker about how annoying this town can be that way, and she said, "Well, if he's one of your daughter's teachers, I bet student teacher conferences could be pretty interesting."

"Yeah, " I said. "I'd walk in the door and he'd say, 'I was going to talk to you about some of the problems I've been having with your daughter, but now that I see who her mother is, I think she's doing surprisingly well under the circumstances.'"

My co-worker then tried to get all silver lining on me and responded, "At least your life is funny..."

"Yes, and if it gets any funnier, I may have to develop a drug habit."

2.) On Friday night, I was getting ready to go to the store to pick-up a few things and I asked Coadster if she wanted a treat while she watched her movie. She told me she did and in this really hokey, down-on-the-farm kind of voice told me she would like "some kettle poppin' corn." Something about her saying it that way, instead of calling it popcorn, made me a little crazy. I did that thing I do when I get grossed-out where I scratch my head with both hands to try to reach my brain.

"What was that for?" Coadster asked.

"I don't know. For some reason, you saying 'poppin' corn' just really bugged me. Aren't there any things that people say that make you irrationally crazy at all?"

"When Stinky says, 'for cereal' instead of 'for serious'? That kind of thing? Yeah, that drives me crazy," Coadster said.

"See? It's like the word 'moist' too. That's another one."

Stinky was listening in and said, "Moist? That drives you crazy? Really?" Then, of course, it was made very clear to me exactly why I should never have reavealed one of my weaknesses to my two teenaged daughters, "So, Coadster. What did you want from the store again?'

"You know, just some poppin' corn... Actually, I'd really love some moist poppin' corn..." Coadster answered.

"Seriously, you guys have to stop."

"What? Coadster just said she wanted some moist poppin' corn. What's wrong with that? In fact, I think I might want some moist poppin' corn too. Mmmmm, moooiiist..."

Now, what was I saying earlier in this post about developing a drug habit?


dmarks said...

Moist corn? Well, it being Iowa, I guess you do things with corn that I just can't imagine!

Mr Atrocity said...

No popcorn for the kids after all then, huh?

Remiman said...

I was jus' thinkin'; It would be such fun poppin' in to your place when you're daughters and you are havin' one of your corn y conversation. I'm thinkin' it'd be moist interesting. Or am I all wet?
Talk about living in a town where everybody is connected; I'm putting 30 year olds to sleep that I gave anesthesia to their mothers when they were born.

Mrs. Hairy Woman said...

That is funny.. Moist corn.. I think your girls must take after you.. lol

Tara said...

I have heard of moist poppin' corn, it happens when you drop some popcorn into the sink and water gets to it. Or if it's a humid day and the popcorn is left out.

Anyway, you should start pretending you like the words "moist" and "poppin corn" so that they stop. It'll have to be convincing though, because they will see right through it.

NoRegrets said...

Actually, what you should start doing is using the word moist with vagina - they won't want to hear that.

Minyo said...

Funny! Perhaps you should take some moist poppin' corn to parent-teacher conferences. And then you can tell funny stories and everyone can have a good laugh.

Just kidding of course :)

Susan said...

Poppin' corn. That's great.

Cricket said...

Ohhh, never give them ammunition. Never let them see you sweat.

Love the visual of you scratching to find your brain.

DJSassafrass said...

I saw an entire sitcom based on someone's hatred of the word moist. I am going to try to find it and send it to you today! It's funny, I promise!

Tera said...

Yes! I hate when people pronounce "specifically" as pacifically...It really freakin' burns me UP! And my son's grandmother even went so far as to say, "Pacifically with a capital P!"


I also know this person who has idea and ideal confused and always commends our committee by saying, "That's a great ideal!"

Okay...I can't even think about this stuff anymore!

Pamela's suggestion is a bit extreme but makes me giggle! LMAO!

Churlita said...


What happens in Iowa, stays in Iowa. I think that's our state motto.

Mr Atrocity,

I had to use it to bribe them to stop saying the word moist. Then I went drinking.


Ha ha. that would be so weird. The last time I worked in ob/gyn was like 8 years ago and now all those babies are in third grade.That freaks me out.


Yeah, those poor girls.


My girls know the reverse psychology trick. I've used it on them too many times already.


But that would gross me out too much too.


That sounds like a great idea. Luckily, neither of my girls have him as a teacher, so I'll never have that opportunity.


I'm glad you think so. My daughters are going to your house to visit this weekend. 'Kay?


I know. It was a moment of weakness. I was sick.


Sweet. Thanks. We'll see how much of it I can stand to watch.


Oh, those are good ones too. I also hate it when people say, "Eyetalian" instead of Italian.

Brando said...

Now there's a blog tagline: If my life were any funnier, I'd have to develop a drug habit.

I laughed all the way through this. Why is it that one of the greatest ways to express your affection for another human being is to annoy the living shit out of them.

TLB also hates "moist." So I say the word repeatedly every time it comes up.

girl crush said...

you already know my disgust for "moist." i'm also developing an aversion to "clammy." ugh

dmarks said...

More over Orville Reddenbacher. Make way for "Churly-Girl's Moist Popping Corn"

To relive the feeling you get when eating popcorn and watching movies in a theatre that has a leaky roof when it is raining.

Poptart said...

This whole exchange is insane. I love it. I have never thought of m---- as gross but now that you say it, I cannot bear it. I have M___ Wipes right here in my bag, too - ick, why don't they just say WET?

Lynnster said...

Did you ever watch the short-lived series "Dead Like Me" on Showtime? If not, rent it (both seasons - it's really good) - you should see it. But you'll know why I said you should see it in the first episode. (If you did see it, you probably already know why.) :)

Churlita said...


Thanks. I don't know, but in my family, annoying each other is the only way we communicate and it's funny all the time.

Girl Crush,

Clammy? give some time, I might develop an aversion to that word too.


That's it. I'll have to try to market all those things that annoy me and make lemonade, so to speak.


See what I mean? Just don't let yourself think about too much, or you'll try to scratch through your skull to your brain just to get it out too.


I haven't seen it. It sounds like I may not be able to handle it.

dmarks said...

There's worse things than "moist". "Damp", for one.

laura b. said...

You three kill me :-)

One of my verbal pet peeves is when people say 'ideal' when they mean 'idea'.

Lynnster said...

Oh no, no, you must - at least the very first episode of Dead Like Me if no others. Trust me, you will absolutely crack up when you get to it. (Actually twice you will) :D