Wednesday, January 17, 2007

I Swear Sometimes that Man is Out to Get Me

There is that one guy who works in my building. I'm not sure if you know his kind. There might be one who works in your building too. He is the middle aged guy who thinks he's funny and doesn't want anyone to forget it. He also wants to think of himself as the proverbial "good guy" who no woman wants, because supposedly, we only want to date jerks.

That one guy is relentless. I've often wondered what kind of job he has that he can wander around the building chatting, chatting, forever chatting up it's inhabitants. I heard a rumor that he was assigned a different job where his supervisor could keep a better eye on him in order to curtail some of his daily roamings. It seemed to hem him in for a while, but now he's slipping back into his overly social ways.

He likes to come to my desk and try to commiserate with me about being single, but I'm really no more of a target than anyone else. All the men in the building have complained about his habit of looking for feet underneath the stalls in the bathroom and talking them up while they are taking care of business. He carelessly ignores the laws of dumping in public restrooms that specifically state that if someone is busy ridding themselves of waste, everyone else must enter and leave the bathroom as quickly as possible while ignoring the fact that business is even being attended to.

Lest you think I am a total bitch, let me explain the worst of it. After he hunts someone down at their cubicle or accosts them on the stairs, he not only tries to be funny, but he tells his "jokes" in babytalk. For example, on Tuesday as I was exiting the building on my way home. He came down the stairs wearing one of the those huge Russian-looking rabbit fur hats with the flaps down and flopping on either side of his head.

"Wook at me. I'm a bunny wabbit!" He said while hopping down the stairs. I tried to be polite by giving him one of those completely disingenuous laughs we girls are famous for.

"Hippity hoppity. Wheeee! Wook at my ears fwopping."

"Yes," I said. "Look at that. Well, I gotta run to my daughter's basketball game." And I walked home faster than I ever had before.

That one guy also flips people endless amounts of shit. He is fond of pointing out the obvious. If by some chance he catches you at your cubicle, he might say something like, "Wow. I think it might be time to call the maid. How do you find anything? Ha, ha." or "I guess I've never seen you with your glasses on before. No wonder you don't wear them much. They don't look very good on you." I don't know why the honeys don't want to date a "nice guy" like him.

Normally, my disingenuous laugh is on overdrive around him. After all, he isn't horrible, he's really just annoying. But today I forgot to install my filter and said the first thing that came to mind when we communicated. I was carrying the red plastic basket across the street to another office. It's how we deliver the things that mistakenly get sent to our office and exchange them with the things that mistakenly get sent to the office across the street.

"So Goldiwocks," That one guy said. "Be caweful the big bad wolf doesn't get you."

"That's the first time I've ever heard that," I said it like I was kidding and I even refrained from correcting him on confusing Goldilocks with Little Red Riding Hood.

"What?"

"I said, that was really original."

"Oh. Well what you said wasn't original either. At least my jokes are funny. Jeez!" He said and huffed away. At first I felt bad for hurting his feelings, but then I figured he's taken about a million jabs at me while I politely laughed them off, so maybe it was his turn. Then, I got kind of excited hoping I'd pissed him off enough that he'd find someone else to try to tear down and annoy with his really funny jokes.

19 comments:

Neil said...

Although I was intrigued by that post, I'm most curious about the tags you used.

Shaymus O'flatulence's Blog said...

why is it that there is a guy like that at every place I have ever worked....there must be a factory somewhere making them

Bice said...

Nah, he'll be his old self tomorrow. Characters like him have short attention spans when it comes to hurt feelings.

Remiman said...

Churlita,
Craves to be the center of attention, Recoils from any perceived criticism. Sad way to live.
rel

Margaret said...

he baby talks? are you supposed to baby talk back? that's really freaky

booda baby said...

oh no, that shit needs to be nipped as quickly as possible - especially in Iowa, where there's no escape. You've already let it grow little legs, so it's about time to AT LEAST bruise knee caps.

He's going to do his thing no matter what, but at least put the burden on HIM.

Brando said...

All the men in the building have complained about his habit of looking for feet underneath the stalls in the bathroom and talking them up while they are taking care of business.

That right there is enough for him to get death by unga-bunga.

Matt said...

I've finally found the best way to compartmentalize the workplace. The workplace is not a real place. It has nothing to do with my REAL life which is with my family. I interact at the workplace but never really listen to anything but work related speak. That way I don't bring home to work and never bring work to my REAL life.

Churlita said...

Neil,

Let me try to describe my scary associations: Stinky Boys - usually implies a boy that is snotty or less than nice. Stinky girls: would be the same and describes my behavior to the annoying guy at work. I call my office an orifice because it feels like a big hole.

Shaymus,

Let's find that factory and burn it down, 'kay?

Bice,

I've seen him twice since then and he hasn't approached me. I'm doing that thing where I pretend not to see him by never establishing eye contact. We'll see how long that lasts.

Rel,

That's the other thing. I'm sure he's just insecure and unhappy and then I have to feel sorry for him.

MArgaret,

If I was forced to speak baby talk back, I would probably just shoot myself instead.

Booda Baby,

Maybe I can get a tire iron and pull a Tonya Harding on him.

Brando,

Yes, how do we schedule this death by unga bunga?

Matt,

You are a smart man. When I was in college and worked food service, I couldn't separate work and home, but the older I get the more distance I put between the two. And I'm so much happier for it.

fringes said...

I hate that guy.

dolittle said...

Wow - I can't even believe I am saying this but reading that made me appreciate my co-workers. I mean if I worked with THAT guy I would have to quit - HAVE to.

-miss do

Danny said...

My mouth kept opening wider in horror as I read this post. I also was filled with gratitude that I work from home these days. I felt a little sorry for this guy until the last paragraph. Based on his reaction to your comment, I might consider a restraining order and a stun gun. Yikes.

Matt said...

I wouldn't go that far Churlita, but thanks. You're a pretty sharp cookie yourself. I always look forward to your blog in the morning.

Churlita said...

Fringes,

That one guy is soooo annoying.

Doolittle,

The system here is set-up so that no one can ever get fired, no matter how lazy or annoying they are. It's great for job security but there's nothing to rein in the crazies.

Danny,

Working from home is my biggest fantasy lately - that or not working at all.

I would love to come to work armed with a stun gun and a restraining order. That's my second biggest fantasy.

Matt,

Thanks. That's really nice to hear. I feel the same way about your blog.

Egan said...

Normally I'm not a fan of hunting, but I think it's fair to shoot this bunny wabbit.

I can't believe he tries to talk to co-workers while on the shitter. That's a huge no-no. He reminds me of this guy who just quit a couple weeks ago. He loved to chat up the ladies in the office.

TLB said...

No talking in the shitter. Period.

The guy needed to go down. Seriously, you weren't any more horrible to him than he's been to others.

Churlita said...

Egan,

That guy's MYspace is hilarious. Maybe he's the guy in my building's long lost son.

TLB,

I know. That's why they made those anti-shitter-talking laws .

I understand that it's stupid to feel guilty for giving back to that guy what he's been putting out to everyone else. I just can't shake those Catholic sensibilities. Which doesn't mean I'll stop being a bitch when I feel it's necessary, I'll just feel bad about it later.

Egan said...

Seriously, Hawt Frank sure is an interesting guy. I could go on and on about him.

Churlita said...

Egan,

Please do. Give me some anecdotes. Have you ever written a post about him? Were you ever afraid your wife would leave you for him and all his hawtness?