I Swear Sometimes that Man is Out to Get Me

There is that one guy who works in my building. I'm not sure if you know his kind. There might be one who works in your building too. He is the middle aged guy who thinks he's funny and doesn't want anyone to forget it. He also wants to think of himself as the proverbial "good guy" who no woman wants, because supposedly, we only want to date jerks.

That one guy is relentless. I've often wondered what kind of job he has that he can wander around the building chatting, chatting, forever chatting up it's inhabitants. I heard a rumor that he was assigned a different job where his supervisor could keep a better eye on him in order to curtail some of his daily roamings. It seemed to hem him in for a while, but now he's slipping back into his overly social ways.

He likes to come to my desk and try to commiserate with me about being single, but I'm really no more of a target than anyone else. All the men in the building have complained about his habit of looking for feet underneath the stalls in the bathroom and talking them up while they are taking care of business. He carelessly ignores the laws of dumping in public restrooms that specifically state that if someone is busy ridding themselves of waste, everyone else must enter and leave the bathroom as quickly as possible while ignoring the fact that business is even being attended to.

Lest you think I am a total bitch, let me explain the worst of it. After he hunts someone down at their cubicle or accosts them on the stairs, he not only tries to be funny, but he tells his "jokes" in babytalk. For example, on Tuesday as I was exiting the building on my way home. He came down the stairs wearing one of the those huge Russian-looking rabbit fur hats with the flaps down and flopping on either side of his head.

"Wook at me. I'm a bunny wabbit!" He said while hopping down the stairs. I tried to be polite by giving him one of those completely disingenuous laughs we girls are famous for.

"Hippity hoppity. Wheeee! Wook at my ears fwopping."

"Yes," I said. "Look at that. Well, I gotta run to my daughter's basketball game." And I walked home faster than I ever had before.

That one guy also flips people endless amounts of shit. He is fond of pointing out the obvious. If by some chance he catches you at your cubicle, he might say something like, "Wow. I think it might be time to call the maid. How do you find anything? Ha, ha." or "I guess I've never seen you with your glasses on before. No wonder you don't wear them much. They don't look very good on you." I don't know why the honeys don't want to date a "nice guy" like him.

Normally, my disingenuous laugh is on overdrive around him. After all, he isn't horrible, he's really just annoying. But today I forgot to install my filter and said the first thing that came to mind when we communicated. I was carrying the red plastic basket across the street to another office. It's how we deliver the things that mistakenly get sent to our office and exchange them with the things that mistakenly get sent to the office across the street.

"So Goldiwocks," That one guy said. "Be caweful the big bad wolf doesn't get you."

"That's the first time I've ever heard that," I said it like I was kidding and I even refrained from correcting him on confusing Goldilocks with Little Red Riding Hood.

"What?"

"I said, that was really original."

"Oh. Well what you said wasn't original either. At least my jokes are funny. Jeez!" He said and huffed away. At first I felt bad for hurting his feelings, but then I figured he's taken about a million jabs at me while I politely laughed them off, so maybe it was his turn. Then, I got kind of excited hoping I'd pissed him off enough that he'd find someone else to try to tear down and annoy with his really funny jokes.