Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Lights Going Out and a Kick in the Balls

Here is a road leading up to a barn and a silo thingy.

Have you ever had that? Where you're driving down a familiar road in your town? Your eyes are a little glazed over and you can see a car parked about a block away. Your mind is suddenly awake with perverse thoughts. You could go a little bit faster, crash into it and do a hell of a lot of damage.

You can hear it. The horrible sound it would make. The glass would break, your car would shriek as the front of it was pushed back, maybe as far as the hatchback. You are familiar with the metal taste of blood in your mouth and the pressure of the steering wheel crushing your chest. Such violence, what incredible force. All the world's pain and suffering happening right then in the small space of your vehicle.

You have the power to change your life forever. All those stupid things you worry your little pea brain about: Did you finally remember to pay the water bill, what will you make for dinner, what time was that show you wanted to watch? Those would be completely forgotten. Exchanged for something real, like survival and recovery. In a split second, the world would be a very different place for you.

As you finally pass that car, without accelerating, without making any kind of impact whatsoever, you think, "Whoa! Where the fuck did that come from?" Then you drive the rest of the way home with a little more purpose, carefully watching for any other obstacles.

*I thought I better put a disclaimer on here. This is really more of a writing exercise than anything. So, please don't worry about me, 'Kay? Though, you might want to worry about my writing...


Ananda girl said...

I have done that. It scared me. But it was... I could drive into that giant tree.

You are not depressed are you Churlita?

Trevor Jackson said...

Yes. Very well put.

I think moments like this are good. They allow you to be thankful for all the horrible disasters that *don't* happen to you.

Remiman said...

No, I've never had that experience.
Scary shit.
So what was for supper?

Anonymous said...

Wow, this is a very existential post. Thank you for not carrying through on your thoughts and coming home to post about it instead.

DJSassafrass said...

It's a good thing I don't usually drive. I am all too prone to scenarios as this. Overactive imaginiation I suppose.

Susan said...

I always find that when I'm standing somewhere tall near a ledge I think about just tossing myself off of it.

...no idea why honestly.

Pamela said...

Yes, though often it's not a surprise where it came from. I usually am depressed when I think that.

Though I do sometimes think about being evil - like taking a bat to someone's car, or defacing a sign, or tripping a blind person. But I don't do it. And I push that devil down.

sissy said...

I wonder if it is genetics because I have had those thoughts. I have also had thoughts of like pushing people or hitting people who are in my way. I would never do it but I bet there is some weird reason for those thoughts.

mighty jo said...

every time i drive over a bridge. i have a comic i did & one installment is "my olphelia fantasies" & talks about this (it's somewhere on my mad world creations blog...) another installment is "suicide girl" about using suicide as a super power to communicate how frustrated you are.
it's kinda like my own personal portrait of dorian grey.
glad to see im not alone.

laura b. said...

Very visceral writing.

Ultimately less about thinking about crashing your car, and more about thinking how easy it might be to change your life forever. Nice.

Churlita said...


Not at all. Actually, I drove past a car and contemplated how satisfying it would be to see cars crash, but not be involved and nobody would get hurt. Then I looked at it as a "what if" exercise. You know, what would cause that thinking and what would someone really want from that scenario.


Yes. And remind you of just what destruction causes.


We had Mexican food from Sunday. I made enchiladas, so all I had to do is throw them in the oven and bake them. Perfect.


I was never really contemplating it. I was just messing around in my own head, thinking of things to write about.


I guess the bus is much safer then. You can't make the bus crash quite as easily.


I think it's the possibility of it. Like it would just take one second to let it happen and there would be no turning back. There's a lot of power in that.


I'm more prone to ridiculous scenarios, like being really inappropriate to someone I don't know and laughing in my head about how they might react.


I think it's the general human condition. Although, I want to be there when you start pushing people you don't know around. Because I think it would be hilarious. Is that like the time you made me follow that mall security guard around so we could say hi to him for like an hour?

Mighty Jo,

I used to think that when I was a little kid and we would drive in the mountains. We could just drive off any of those cliffs, but we never did.


Exactly and feeling powerful, even if the only way you could use it was destructively.

Mnmom said...

Yes, I do.
And I always have this strange urge to grab the face of anyone talking to me and lay a big fat wet one on them. Should I be monitored?

Churlita said...

Mn Mom,

No. You should be revered.