Come on, How Many Guys You Know Make Love?

Here is a photo of Coadster and her friends that was in the paper today. Remember how I told you it was so cold at the track meet yesterday? Well, here's some visual proof for you.

Okay, kids. Here's the deal. I'm exhausted. The girls are at their dad's house, so I thought I might try to watch the pilot for that new HBO series The Ladies' No. 1 Detective Agency. I started it, I liked what I saw, but then realized I was way too tired to watch anything. So, since I can, I'm going to sleep now. Here is a post from my old blog that I wrote in February of 2006 to keep you company. It's kind of a tongue-in-cheek, pretend manual on how to talk to your kids about sex. Have at it:


When talking to your kids about sex, you might first try to remember how your parents told you about the great and beautiful mystery of life. What did you find valuable or not so valuable in the information they put forth? If your mother was trying hard to be open about it because when she was a child her own mom was, "very uncomfortable and (she) had to learn everything on the street, " you may have thought yourself lucky. But then when you asked her anything other than the essential birds and the bees, oh say, like what a blow job was, she honestly didn't know. You were left to surmise that she must have been the only person living on her "street".

You may first think that teaching your child morals would be a good way to keep him/her sexually responsible. Then again, it's possible that you would also remember that one of the most aggressively moral and judgemental girls in your high school got knocked up her senior year. Because of her earlier preaching, the kids in your high school were all a little too happy about the karmic turn of events. You then might choose a different angle.

Fear seems to be the most effective deterrent in almost any situation. If you have been blessed with boys, your task is very simple. Describe any sexual encounter as the cause of either the loss or the painful shrinking up of their most prized organ - whichever you think would be more frightening to your incredibly, precious, golden, male child.

If you are the proud parent of a sweet, little girl, your task is more complicated. Because the machinery, as with many other girl issues, is more complex. Luckily for you, there are sexually transmitted diseases. Many STD's do almost no damage to men, but can cause sterility, pelvic inflammatory disease (just know that it's really painful), cervical cancer and death. If your gorgeous little angel is young enough, you could easily get away with telling her several cautionary tales that begin with, "Pregnancy is the least of your worries anymore." Then end your stories thusly, "...and because she had sex before she was ready, (you will have earlier established that "ready" meant menopausal) she first became hideously disfigured, started to emit a terrible odor and died a lonely, slow, painful death."

If your clever little dearheart seems immune to sexual fear, there is one last-ditch, surefire tactic. You can start talking about your own sexual exploits. This will have long lasting effects especially if you try to be as vivid as possible. You may feel like mixing it up a little. First talk in great detail about your sexual experiences with their father and then regale them with stories about your past lovers and old college boyfriends. They won't be able to decide which is more nauseating. For the rest of their lives, anything you had peviously described should create a powerful mental image that will quickly and violently yank them out of their surging sea of hormones. Because, as you know with your own family, there are very few things more disturbing than picturing your parents having sex.