Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Come on, How Many Guys You Know Make Love?

Here is a photo of Coadster and her friends that was in the paper today. Remember how I told you it was so cold at the track meet yesterday? Well, here's some visual proof for you.

Okay, kids. Here's the deal. I'm exhausted. The girls are at their dad's house, so I thought I might try to watch the pilot for that new HBO series The Ladies' No. 1 Detective Agency. I started it, I liked what I saw, but then realized I was way too tired to watch anything. So, since I can, I'm going to sleep now. Here is a post from my old blog that I wrote in February of 2006 to keep you company. It's kind of a tongue-in-cheek, pretend manual on how to talk to your kids about sex. Have at it:


When talking to your kids about sex, you might first try to remember how your parents told you about the great and beautiful mystery of life. What did you find valuable or not so valuable in the information they put forth? If your mother was trying hard to be open about it because when she was a child her own mom was, "very uncomfortable and (she) had to learn everything on the street, " you may have thought yourself lucky. But then when you asked her anything other than the essential birds and the bees, oh say, like what a blow job was, she honestly didn't know. You were left to surmise that she must have been the only person living on her "street".

You may first think that teaching your child morals would be a good way to keep him/her sexually responsible. Then again, it's possible that you would also remember that one of the most aggressively moral and judgemental girls in your high school got knocked up her senior year. Because of her earlier preaching, the kids in your high school were all a little too happy about the karmic turn of events. You then might choose a different angle.

Fear seems to be the most effective deterrent in almost any situation. If you have been blessed with boys, your task is very simple. Describe any sexual encounter as the cause of either the loss or the painful shrinking up of their most prized organ - whichever you think would be more frightening to your incredibly, precious, golden, male child.

If you are the proud parent of a sweet, little girl, your task is more complicated. Because the machinery, as with many other girl issues, is more complex. Luckily for you, there are sexually transmitted diseases. Many STD's do almost no damage to men, but can cause sterility, pelvic inflammatory disease (just know that it's really painful), cervical cancer and death. If your gorgeous little angel is young enough, you could easily get away with telling her several cautionary tales that begin with, "Pregnancy is the least of your worries anymore." Then end your stories thusly, "...and because she had sex before she was ready, (you will have earlier established that "ready" meant menopausal) she first became hideously disfigured, started to emit a terrible odor and died a lonely, slow, painful death."

If your clever little dearheart seems immune to sexual fear, there is one last-ditch, surefire tactic. You can start talking about your own sexual exploits. This will have long lasting effects especially if you try to be as vivid as possible. You may feel like mixing it up a little. First talk in great detail about your sexual experiences with their father and then regale them with stories about your past lovers and old college boyfriends. They won't be able to decide which is more nauseating. For the rest of their lives, anything you had peviously described should create a powerful mental image that will quickly and violently yank them out of their surging sea of hormones. Because, as you know with your own family, there are very few things more disturbing than picturing your parents having sex.

14 comments:

mighty jo said...

im going through some midlife feminist crisis thingamajigbob & i have 2 young boys & i find myself wishing them to be gay so that they can never ruin the life of a woman...i have issues....

i could tell them about my sexual experiences & that might turn them gay...hahahaha

(mary jo--shannon's sister from iowa city)

NoRegrets said...

Oh friggin' hilarious! I love: you will have earlier established that "ready" meant menopausal.

Hope you got a good night's sleep.

Susan said...

I hope you got enough rest for the both of us.

Also, this made me laugh hard enough people at work were looking at me.

Mnmom said...

Perfect advice

movin down the road said...

I have not yet done this. i dread when I do. but when I do, i will be very open and honest about it, even if they see me sweat!

Not Fainthearted said...

Perfect advice.

I also plan on using: "I have a friend in Iowa City to whom I'll give your number so she can call you and embarass you since I won't be available."

(referencing my email earlier today) :D

As for track meets this time of year, you can bet I'm dreading the baseball opener in 10 days. WTH.

booda baby said...

Another good thing about being only an aunt.

I'm pretty sure my mother THOUGHT she gave me a talk about sex, but it was, from start to finish, entirely about not getting pregnant. I don't think that counts.

sissy said...

My mom told me you could only have a baby after you fell in love and got married. Then God would give you a baby. Imagine my suprise when I found out that an uninlove, unmarried girl was knocked up. She did get the physical facts straight.

Ananda girl said...

Our sex talk amounted to my father announcing that there would be no abortions allowed in our family. This came up in the middle of an after school special... no one was pregnant. He had four girls to worry about. I suppose he felt that if we thought there was no way out that we would avoid sex. hahahahaha

As for my own kids, they got a very blatant description of the mechanics, a declaration that it should be fun and my hope that they would be responsible and ask questions if they needed to. I think it worked. They sure looked horrified. Oh, and there would be no abortions in our family. :-)

Tara said...

I vaguely remember my mom telling me a bit about sex, but learned most of it from my teachers and the diagrams of the internal, reproductive organs shown on the projector screen in the classroom.

Churlita said...

Damn it. I wrote comments back to all of you and then my computer ate them. Suffice it to say, thank you for all of your great feedback and I love your stories about how you learned about sex too. So funny.

laura b. said...

You know, I don't remember THE talk, but I do know my mom scarred me for life by saying something quite negative and gross about how sex with my dad made her feel.. I think I feel a post coming on.

eskaysea said...

So that is what that smell is...I am still getting PT from Benjamin's birth.

Poptart said...

oh churl i love this post. p.s. did you get the girls that HPV vaccine? I heave heard some parents are opposed to it, because it has to be administered when they are "innocent" teens, and I say: W T F???