Tuesday, January 20, 2009

I Was Born to Echo but I'll Never Repeat

A guy taking a photo of some people I don't know in the snow.

So, my first boyfriend has been calling me every Saturday for the last month or so. Sometimes I answer and sometimes I don't. It would be fine if he were just calling me to chat as friends, but in his head we're not only going to get back together, we're going to get married and have babies together too. What?

Don't worry. I've told him several times that I just want to be friends and I don't want to move to California and I don't want him to move here. I don't know if he thinks I'm just kidding, or if he thinks he can wear me down. He can't. If you know me at all, you know that I don't pull any punches. Most guys I know tell me they appreciate my brutal honesty (personally, I prefer to think of my honesty as refreshing). I try really hard not to hurt anyone's feelings, but I also don't think I'm doing anyone any favors by leading them on.

You may be wondering why I don't just tell him to fuck off. I may have to eventually, but first I'd like to see if we can establish a friendship. I like him as a person, I just would never date him. He told me he wasn't afraid to admit that he was lonely and wanted to be in a relationship. I think it's great that he's open about that. He seems to think of me as instant girlfriend just add water, because we dated over twenty years ago, and he loved me back then. I'm a much different person than I was in my late teens and early twenties (thank god), and he may not like the less needy, fucked-up version of myself.

As I've mentioned before, my biggest problem with him is the fact that he doesn't take an active part in his son's life. I've asked him about it several times and he gives me all these lame-ass excuses about how he can't see his son without his ex trying to get back with him. He also doesn't have a car and can't drive the hour to see him. Why would I ever have a child with someone who isn't accountable for his first kid? You can't keep having children and ditching them when it isn't convenient, until you get it right. It's such a strange concept to me.

He seems to be assuming that I'm as lonely as he is. I'm not. Of course, I'd love to find someone to be in a healthy committed relationship with, but it just may never happen for me. I'm content with my life the way it is. I've been single for so long, that I'm pretty good at it. I don't feel like the one thing I can't have is overshadowing everything else in my life. Neal doesn't believe me when I tell him that.

If he can't be my friend and get past thinking we're going to get back together, then I'll have to let him go. It would be a shame after recently finding him again, but if he doesn't listen to me, it won't be much of friendship anyway.

9 comments:

Remiman said...

Churlita,
Guys heads are wired differently. Duh!
It amazes me that guys and gals ever get on the same track, but it's so cool when they do.
rel

Leo said...

You've got a good head on your shoulders!

DJSassafrass said...

You're so right--no need to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one! And why doesn't he see his kid..I mean, I'm not crazy about getting around to having them, but I would certainly spend time with them--no matter what the siutation--if I had them.

Pamela said...

What's the blog entry title from?

Well, good for you for giving him a chance.

laura b. said...

I hope that he can come around to the idea of friendship and see things as they are now.
And I really hope he mans up and makes more of a commitment to his child.

.j.william. said...

sometimes the common ground erodes over time until there's nothing left but two people shouting at each other from their own sandbars. Especially with exes, it seems.

sorry if that's the case. Hope it turns out better than it's started.

fringes said...

Great post. I don't have much beyond that.

Churlita said...

Rel,

Yeah, but I know lots of guys who still take care of their responsibilities...Like you.

Leo,

Thanks. You might get an argument about that from some who know me.

DJ,

I don't know. I think he thinks it's too hard to be a dad with a woman he doesn't want any part of it and wants to try again and do it better. I wish he'd just work at fixing what he already has. his poor son is going to have all kinds of abandonment issues if he doesn't.

Pamela,

It's from a song called "Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is" by Jet.

LauraB.,

Yeah, I'd like for us to be friends, but I think it's way more important that he works on his relationship with his son.

JWilliam,

I hope we can work at being friends. I'll see how it goes the next couple times we speak and then go from there. If we have to shout from sandbars, it'll never work. I'm not much of a yeller.

FRinges,

Thanks.

michelle said...

That's why I try never to break the gold rule of never going back but always moving forward. What you left behind will never be revisted because it usually will always have changed and those fantasies you had of how if used to be will be terribly altered.