Friday, October 13, 2006

Paranoia Will Destroy Ya

I'm feeling better at my new hidden bunker, stockpiling shit and generally being all Y2K about everything. This is the first Friday in the last few little whiles or so that I haven't been funked out. Part of the badness was being all paranoid that one of my bosses had stumbled across my blog, I'm sure some of it was from lack of sleep, but the other thing was that so many people I know have been going through such bad shit lately. I have to be careful not to stress out about how shitty things can be for people or I start creating bad scenarios in my head and getting fatalistic.

Normally when I'm going through a funk, I'm prone to the "lie around and feel sad and exhausted, eat chocolate and watch movies" brand of depression. When I worked in OB/Gyn, women would present with a complaint of general malaise and it always made me picture a horribly abusive military guy running around making women unhappy. I must have met that guy at some point in my life too, because I've definitely complained about him in the past.

This other thing I've been having lately is completely different. I just start stressing about weird shit that probably won't happen and my breath might catch or my heart kind of tightens in my chest. It's something I've never really experienced before and I just finally put a name to it today - it's called anxiety. Oh right, that.

I've only ever felt anxious about real things, such as, whether we were going to have enough money for food or get evicted from our apartment or whether my five year old would live through her bout with bacterial meningitis. Is this new thing a luxury I can afford now that we don't have to worry about being homeless and we're all apparently well fed, or is it another fucked up thing that comes with age like failing eyesight, arthritis and conservatism?


booda baby said...

my experience? just another fucked up thing. fear. that one was a BIG surprise, having known nothing but fearlessness. Probably a good thing, to be able to pause finally, before doing one more stupid thing. Except I kind of liked the stupid things.

Churlita said...

I wouldn't miss the stupid things so much, as long as I'm not suddenly crippled by fear. Right now, it seems pretty minor. I'd like it to stay that way or go away.

Anonymous said...

that's a little thing i like to call "free-floating anxiety". i coined that sucker in high school, yo!


Churlita said...

Free floating sounds so much more fun than it feels. Can I use that?