I Rode My Bicycle Past Your Window Last Night

Somebody has a birthday today. This time thirteen years ago, John and I were dancing around each other. We talked about it, and John said he didn't think he was ready to start dating again. It was about a week after that conversation, that we found ourselves sitting across from each other, on a date at the India Cafe. I'm verrrry glad he went against his better judgment and asked me out.

 

Originally, we decided to take it slow, and hang out and see where it went. Of course, a few weeks and John getting hit by a an F-150 pick-up truck while riding his bike later, that whole "taking it slow" thing went out the window. 

Since then, he has been there for me and my girls. Teaching Stinky how to drive a stick, helping both girls with life emergencies in their twenties, helping to fix bikes, getting in political arguments with Coadster because they both love that, and NOT getting into political arguments with Stinky because that stresses her out. He is one of those great people who will drop you off at the door somewhere, and search around for a parking space so you don't have to walk in the rain, or cold, or heat. It is so nice to be with someone who can talk things out, and who works as hard (or harder) at everything as I do.

John always says that scars are sexy. Lucky for us then. After all the bike crashes, his getting hit by a truck, my breast cancer and Grave's Disease, and the emotional scars our three cats have left on us, we just keep getting sexier and sexier.

We've run, hiked, biked, and explored almost every kind of surface together, and John is always so patient and good at slowing down to go at my speed with me. I have the big ideas and plans for adventures, but I'm not great at logistics. He will take those plans and ideas and make them happen.

 

So, all of this gushing is just to say, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! to my very best friend and partner. I am so glad you changed your mind thirteen years ago and gave us a shot. I hope to spend a long, happy, life together playing and collecting memories...Scars and all.

Went to School and I was Very Nervous, No One Knew Me, No One Knew Me

So many geometric patterned sweater vests in 1983. I'm the one in the middle. I took this on my disc camera. If you've never heard of it, ask your grandmother. She might remember.

 It's strange getting older. There are so many things I've forgotten. Feelings that burned so hot at the time, are cool and dull now. Of course, there are some things I hope never to forget. The things that sucked at the time, but that I learned from, and those lessons that made me a much happier person in general. Can you tell I'm feeling Fall coming on hard, both literally and figuratively now?

 This time forty years ago, I was just starting my adulthood. I moved into my dorm room at the University of Northern Iowa at the end of August in 1983. It was the beginning, but it felt like the end too. I always thought that I would die, or something bad would happen to me before, or right after I turned eighteen and could leave my horrible situation with my abusive legal guardians. After a few weeks of waiting for something bad to happen, I realized that it might not come after all, and I could start working on this new life.

I wasn't prepared for independence. I never had any money to learn how not to spend it, I was rarely allowed to go out with friends, I had never dated, I hadn't been allowed to express my opinions freely for the last eight years, and I had very few social skills. I had spent so much time living in my own little world, and I suddenly had to learn how to live in the "real" world. I had no idea I was allowed not to consent to anything or establish boundaries. I could say no? I could voice negative emotions without being threatened or punished? Needless to say, I made soooo many mistakes (sometimes the same one over and over again) for years after that.

Don't worry. This isn't a mug shot. It's just the picture on my first university ID card. Try not to be jealous of my OP Shirt.

 

The University of Northern Iowa is the smallest of the three state Universities in Iowa. A lot of the students go home on the weekends and it can feel like a ghost town. I went there because I was injured the last year or so of high school, and the only track scholarship I was offered was for a small christian college in Southern Iowa. Even I  knew that wasn't a good idea for me...Or for that school either. I thought I'd have a better chance of walking on to the track team at UNI than I would the other two bigger state schools. Of course, after I got there, I found out that the cross country/track coach had a serious eating disorder and we spent half of our practices getting fat tested, being expected to do three different work-outs a day, write down everything we ate, and then get shamed for every calorie. It didn't take long for me to decide that maybe I could just run on my own and skip all the bullshit.

I transferred to the University of Iowa the next semester, but maybe it was best that I spent my first semester of freedom at a smaller school. I might have lost my mind had I gone to a bigger school with more to do. It was a nice, safe way to learn how to make friends, drink alcohol for the second time in my life (I did get drunk once at a friend's New Year's Eve party my junior year of high school), learn that I couldn't drink more than two beers an evening, figure out that I wasn't ready to be in any kind of romantic relationship after one blind date, and that I would probably be happier at a bigger school that had a better writing program.

Ahhh. Those wacky dorm room shots. At least there were no camera phones back then, so there are only a few of these photos lying around.

 

Believe me, forty years later I'm still working on some of that shit, but even as old as I am and with my brain a little more muddled, I remember how scary/exciting/overwhelming/liberating it was to so messily maneuver around trying to be a person in my own right. They say youth is wasted on the young, but I don't know if I agree. Sure, it would be great to have the physical part back. I would love to be in my fifties and be able to run like I did in my late teens, and not be in pain after sitting too long in one position. BUT, I think it's easy to forget all of the insecurities and emotional stuff. I can't imagine having the energy to work on all those issues and see my place in the world through those HUGE emotions and all that self-criticism while careening dangerously close to 60.

She's Got Marty Feldman Eyes

 

Is this thing still on? Yeah, so, I've been meaning to write forever, but I haven't been making time. Partly because I have too many things I try to do, and partly because my Grave's Disease meds make me fat and lethargic. I keep trying to fight the lethargy, with limited results. I guess I'll just keep on trying.

So many things can happen in five or six months, right? The good thing for all of you, is that I have so much to write about that I won't have time to into the minutiae of what I had to eat for every meal of the day (I save that shit for Facebook, apparently), or how many bowel movements I had, or how often I stepped in cat puke a week (quick answer? probably about equal to my number of bowel movements). I will, as usual, go into too much detail about health issues and where I'm at with menopause (quick answer? Who the hell knows). Let's get down to it, shall we?

1.) Health Issues: Since my doctor cut my Grave's Disease meds in half, I am not nearly as tired and woebegone as I was on the bigger dose, but I am still both of those things. Also, even though I'm not actively gaining weight any more, I am not actively losing what I have previously gained by taking twice my dose of meds no matter how much I exercise or how little I eat. Of course, wah! wah! wah! It's all so much better than dying of a stroke or heart attack. So, I guess I'll take it?

Sexy, huh?

 

The other thing is that I got my eyes checked to see if I had Thyroid Eye Disease, which can cause blindness, and keep you from seeing colors, and make your eyes all bulgy like Marty Feldman. When I went to the appointment, I joked with the resident that maybe I wouldn't mind so much to have it if it took away my squinty little eyes. He seemed a little horrified, because he either didn't get my joke, or didn't think I was as funny as I always think I am (most likely). Anyway, after about three hours of testing, it turns out I do have Thyroid Eye Disease, or TED. The doctor I spoke with about it said the best thing to do for it was to keep my Grave's Disease under control by taking my meds, limit my stress (Hmmmm. Not my strong suit), and to get Selenium. She was very specific about how and what to take - exactly three Brazil nuts a day. Oh, how I wish Cashews had tons of Selenium instead. I am hit and miss with remembering to eat those three nuts. Let's hope I don't blind myself with my own lame-assedness.

Because I am stupidly optimistic, I like to look at any positives I can find about this annoying disease. So, here's what I have so far: In looking for ways to control my Grave's Disease, I stopped drinking milk and eating dairy yogurt (for the most part) because dairy products are high in iodine, and it's made my allergies a lot more tolerable. The joint pain seemingly caused by my meds have made me finally get off my ass and see a doctor about how to fix it. The doctor then sent me to a physical therapist, who made me custom inserts for my shoes, and gave me some exercises to do. The joint pain is still there, but I'm hoping it gets better. The biggest positive is that I have had people who had thyroid disease reach out to me to tell me that reading the things I've written have helped them. Sometimes it's nice to know you're not the only one going through and/or being frustrated by something. I'm glad I can do that for even a few people.

 2.) Playing Bikes: I am riding my bike way more than I was last time I wrote in here. I'm still horribly out of shape, so going up hills is even harder than ever, and I am trying to do longer and longer rides. On RAGBRAI week I rode three whole days in a row, and did my longest bike ride this year, 86.5 miles in a day. A VERY hot, and miserable day. Bike riding is fun!

3.) The Garden: Gardening during a drought has been a little crazy. The tomatoes, and raspberries, and Zinnia's are happy. The broccoli, zucchini, and Mexican Torch Sunflowers? Not so much. 

4.) My Husband: I know I do gush on and on about John, but if you've had even half as many shitty relationships as I've had, you would appreciate the hell out of a great partner too. He is patient and kind and generous and helps to remind me not to be disappointed when my body doesn't respond the same way it did before I had Grave's Disease. Some days I come home from work all lethargic from my meds, but also a bit anxious because of my disease. I will have planned to ride, but it feels overwhelming, and when I whine to John about how lame I feel, he'll say something like, "Just do what you can. How about watching some "Stranger Things?" And you know what? Watching "Stranger Things" is always the right way to deal with feeling crappy. So, what I'm saying, is that John is an empathetic genius and I'm pretty damn lucky he is in love with me.

5.) My Daughters: I am also incredibly lucky to have two amazing, strong-willed daughters. As they move out of their twenties, I get to watch them find themselves. They have both been through a lot, and they're still sorting through who they are and what they want now that they're adults, but neither of them are afraid of hard work, and they are both doing that work. They have also been very supportive of me and my issues. I'm just happy that I actually choose the family I was given.

Okay...that's probably all more than enough for one blog post. Hopefully, I will keep on it and I won't have to spend so much time summarizing my life on here, but you know how I am...