I Tell You Love, Sister. It's Just a Kiss Away

Here is a snowy, slippery, spiral fire escape.

I read Slaughterhouse 5 while I was giving plasma today. I got to the part that said:

Billy answered. There was a drunk on the other end. Billy could almost smell his breath - mustard gas and roses. It was a wrong number. Billy hung up.

That whole answering a wrong number thing, reminded me of a story an old lover told me about his parents. His mother met his father when she answered a party line back in the day. He originally called for someone else, but quickly forgot about her after talking to his mom. She was a beautiful Swedish woman who had had many suitors at the time. His dad was a short Chinese man studying engineering.

My ex said that his mother chose his father over all the other men because she knew exactly how her life would pan out with the other men, but had no idea where she would end up with his dad.

After many moves and degrees and advanced degrees and a marriage and two children who she loved and fretted over, a divorce after she found her husband having an affair with their close friend's daughter, starting a gallery with money from said divorce and ultimately retiring to Mexico; I would love to ask her if the gamble on the unknown had been worth it to her. Of course, we all know that the "safe" choices that she rejected in those other men, could have turned into something completely different than she imagined too. I doubt there are any really safe major life choices out there. Shit comes at us out of nowhere and all we can do is brace ourselves and wait for it to hit or be aggressive and meet that shit head-on. So it goes.

Time Will Take It All and It Will, You'll See

Here is a photo of someone else's coffee table.

Oh, kids. This whole dating thing is really cutting into my blogging lately. Not that I'm complaining at all. It's been great so far and I'm gladly willing to let the blog suffer a bit to do the work to try and make it work out. Dating at my age can be so tricky. We've all been through the whole failed relationship(s) thing before and so we can tend to be a little damaged and cautious. I'm trying really hard to enjoy how great it is and not piss all over it, just to prepare myself for what may or may not happen with it.

No matter what happens with this, I do feel like I finally made a decent choice about who I'm dating. He's not going to turn mean on me, he can admit he has feelings and even express them and he isn't one of those conquest guys, who really only wants to work hard enough to get you and not enough to keep you. If it doesn't work out, it will probably be more of an issue of timing. But I'm not going to worry about whether it will work out right now. I'm older, I'm happy in general, I'm not afraid to be alone, and I'm also not afraid to try to make a relationship work that I think could be really great. Either way, I win.

Having said that....It's the weekend again. Tomorrow night the guy and I are going out for pizza at Pagliai's and then we'll probably drink beer either at my place or at a bar somewhere. We haven't worked out all of the particulars yet.

Saturday holds a few possibilities. Some friends are having a football watching party, but I'm also going to go to another friend's memorial service for a bit. This friend was only 49 years old and died of multiple strokes. He was a really great person, so it was very, very sad. I'm not sure how long I'll stay, but I will at least show up for a little bit. I have no idea what I'm doing on Saturday night. I'm just going to wait and see what happens.

Ideally, I'd like to get some work done around my house on Sunday and of course, do as much running as I can fit in.

How about you all? What's on tap for you all the next couple of days?

Mystery Is What This Is to Me

Stinky making that face before the Homecoming dance.

Soooo. Let's see. Remember how I told you I was going out to dinner with a friend? Well, I wasn't sure if it was a friend thing or a date. We had talked about things the week before, and he said he was just out of long term relationship, and thought he needed to be single for a while. I had had that confusion with other guys, and figured I should just assume it was a friend thing to protect myself. You know, 4,213 times bitten, 8,426 times shy and all.

Then on Friday morning he sent me this:

How can I possibly be nervous about our date tonight?

How long have I known you?

How old am I?

Just how scary are you?

Geez!

So, then I knew it was a date and got a little nervous myself. We also agreed that I was pretty damn scary.

I got off work, went running, and then met him for dinner...It was very nice and we had a great talk. Afterward, we decided to go to George's for a drink and to stay away from the Dublin and people we knew. Of course, we were there for all of 5 minutes when my friend G. walked in with some of her family members who were in town for the game. We all laughed at the odds of her hanging out there, since she hadn't been at George's for at least a year. I really don't think it's possible for this town to be any smaller.

We had a good talk about things. He's still pretty confused about how ready he is to be in a relationship, but he wants to at least date and see how it goes. We've decided to take things really slowly and that works for me too.

Saturday it rained and rained and rained. Stinky worked all day. I went for a run, but then spent the rest of the day cleaning my place and listening to music. It was a very nice way to spend a rainy day.

In the evening, I went to Stinky's friends house and took pics before the Homecoming dance. The kids all cleaned up pretty nice.

I got home and talked to the guy. We were originally going to meet at the Dublin, but he said he didn't sleep very well the night before. So, he bought a bottle of wine over and I made some food and he came over and we talked and ate and drank it was wonderful. Stinky and her boyfriend came home after the dance and before they went back to their friend's and they all got to meet. Stinky thought he was really nice and he and Stinky took a moment to bond by making fun of me, so he thought she was pretty cool too. So far so good.

It will be interesting to see how this all pans out. I think we both want to make sure we're still friends no matter what happens with our dating. I really hope that's possible.

Big Hands I Know You're the One

Here is a gladiola from my garden that broke off from its stem. I put it in some flowering shubbery, so I could take a pic of it.

This week has been WAY too social for me. Tonight I mowed that woman's lawn after work. She stopped me and told me I'm making her retirement so much nicer. Which was great to hear, especially since she does such necessary volunteer work with her time. She normally likes to hang out and talk after I mow, but I had to hurry. I told my friend James I'd meet him at 7.


My zinnias finally bloomed. Next year I'm planting a lot more and a lot earlier in the season.

When I got to the Java House, James was sitting outside. He warned me that it was over air conditioned and freezing inside. I told him I was starving anyway, and we decided to go to a bar called George's for sliders and a couple of beers. We had only been able to hang out once in the last couple of years, so it was great to see him.

He's getting married in October and he talked about how stressful that was with all the planning and dealing with families. Then he asked me if I was dating anyone. I told him about the near misses I've had the last couple of years of trying to date - or as I like to call it, dodging bullets. We had a good laugh or 4,759 at some of the stories I told. Not to be outdone, he talked about the psycho ex-girlfriend he dated before he met his fiance' and his adventures in on-line dating. (one woman showed up on the date wearing a wedding ring - talk about your red flags). As we were getting ready to leave, I asked him if he felt better about getting married after talking to me. He just laughed some more. I'll take that as a yes.

You're Not Adorable. I Was Something Unignorable

And still more garden pics. But look! I have coral and purple glads (hiding behind the cone flowers). It's momentous...Almost as momentous as the two sentences I just started with such incorrect grammar.

So, this weekend. What of it? It was a bit of an eye opener in a good way. I spent a lot of time being internal and trying to maneuver through the maze that is my scary brain...Now that's one hell of a cleaning project.

Friday it rained. I was going to try to get some shit taken care of and then kayak with some friends, but I really didn't do much of anything. I think after how much other physical, outdoorsy stuff I did all week, I was ready to give myself a day off. I had some offers to go out and play on Friday night, but declined them all. Instead, the girls and I ordered a pizza, then when they both went out, I decided to just chill out and watch a movie or two. I was relishing the alone time when Mr. B. called me. We talked a little bit and I reiterated that I had problems being his friend while he had a girlfriend and was still trying to get with me. There's nothing more unattractive to me than a guy who's even thinking about another woman and still trying to hit on me. As far as I'm concerned, if he's confused about who he wants, I will always step away and make the guy's decision easy for him. We didn't talk long, because I have a very low tolerance for bullshit and I was done. I have such a hard time just not answering the phone when he calls. He's so funny and great in so many ways, but he's just so damaged, and that seems to override the good. What a shame.

On Saturday I ran a bunch of errands, went running, finished mowing a few parts of my yard and did some cleaning. I went out with some friends that night and it was really fun. I stayed out a little later than I wanted, because I was going to give a friend of mine a ride home and she hardly ever gets out and I knew she was having a blast, so I wanted to give her as much time as she could squeeze out of the night. I got home around midnight and like clockwork, got a call from Mr B. His birthday was today, so I'm sure that some of his neediness was about that...And the fact that he saw some pics on Facebook from when I ran the Bix and they apparently made an impression. He said he was in the middle of a poker game and asked me if he could call me back a little later. I told him that wouldn't work for me and said goodbye and went to bed.

Today, I ran when I woke up, but was feeling a little restless afterward. I put out a call to anyone who might be interested in either a bike ride or kayaking. G. and D. answered and we went to Lake McBride. It was so nice. We had a paddle boat full of high school boys following us around the lake, trying to get our attention with their air horn and then flirting with us for almost an hour. It was cute...Until it got annoying.

Tomorrow, I have to eat that big reality sandwich. I not only have to go back to work, but I have to actually have to work ALL FIVE DAYS....40 hours. Yeah, I know - wah, effing, wah. At least I can say that I made the most of my week. It's nice not to have any regrets.

Hangin' Round the Ceiling Half the Time

As promised, a dahlia and one of my glads. It was supposed to be a mix of colors for the gladiolas, but so far the mix is just yellow and white.

So, today is Stinky and her boyfriend's one month anniversary. How 16 years old is it to celebrate a one month anniversary? It is pretty cute, because he is such a nice kid and he is just as crazy about her as she is about him. There's nothing wrong with being a total dork about someone. In fact, I wish that all my friends could find someone they could be shamelessly dorky with. I'm just a hopeless romantic that way...Or maybe I'm just hopeless.

Here is a photo of my tomato plants getting ready to take over the world. They're almost as tall as I am.

So, my first day back to work after my long birthday weekend was crazy busy. I had this training thing that took all morning and was REALLY boring. I didn't have time to take my car in, but I'm going to leave it at the muffler shop tomorrow morning and walk to work from there.

Tonight Dr. Lyd and her hubby stopped by to finally check out my new place. Her hubby is an engineer and was very helpful. They really liked my place and were nice enough not to notice any of the flaws...Even when I pointed them out to them. My friend K. stopped by as well to drop off some books and movies she borrowed and to pick up some more of each. I love sharing.

Now, it's late and I'm going to retreat to my lair to read myself to sleep. Depending on how much the estimate is on my car, I might spend my lunch break tomorrow buying books with the gift certificate to Prairie Lights I got for my birthday. There. That ought to take the edge off. Night night.

And I Ain't No Fool For Love Songs That Whisper in My Ears

Here's me with Mr B. and FMDM.

Okay, wow. This was an incredible, long weekend. So, I'm just going to have to break it up into one day a blog post. I'll start with Friday (which seems like a month ago) and move on to Saturday tomorrow. Is that confusing enough for you?

Anyway, I left work at noon on Friday, rode my bike home and then had a nice relaxing run. Right before I left work, G. told me she had a solution to my broken lawn mower problem. She knew a guy named, J. who has a knife sharpening business. She told him that I had two lawnmowers, a gas powered mower that wouldn't start and a push mower that might need its blades sharpened. He said to bring him the two mowers and he'd sharpen the one, look at the other to see if he could fix it and in the meantime lend me his super nice, new mower that made me very, very envious of him. G. got off work early on Friday too and after my run, she drove over and we did the lawn mower switcheroo. How nice of J. I had only met him once before, and his girlfriend was one of the realtors I worked with when I bought my house, so I feel like I owe him a HUGE debt of gratitude.

This is what metal karaoke looks like...Now, new and improved with extra added air guitar. You know what's fun to do? Go to a metal show and when everyone's talking about his death, say really loudly, "Hey, who's this Ronnie James Dio guy, anyway?" And watch all the RAWK! boys' heads spin around until they realize you're just messin' with them.

So, I mowed most of my lawn and then got a call from Radio Shack telling me my iPod was back from getting a new battery installed. Hurray! But then I got it home and my computer didn't even recognize it to synch it to my iTunes. Boo! I'm not sure how to fix it, so if anyone has any ideas, I'd love to hear them. Thank you in advance.

Stinky and I went to the store to get stuff we needed for the grad party and I got some cleaning done, before the girls both took off to different grad parties and I went to meet some friends out. I wasn't going to, but I got so much done during the day and my girls weren't home anyway, and a friend's band was playing and there was going to be metal karaoke after that and I'd have most of the next day to finish everything else up...And apparently, I had a million excuses to go, so why not?

Here is a gam check. Look! I got all girly and painted my toes.

There had been rumors that Mr. B. would be there, but he's not the most reliable person you'll ever meet, so I doubted I'd see him. Now that I'm over him, it's fine for me either way. He's more fun than I can handle sometimes, so I know I'm going to have a good time when hes' around, but I won't fall for his crap either.

Turns out, he showed up after all. He texted me when he got into town and after some friends of mine and I stopped by the Foxhead to bug a friend of ours who was working there, K. texted Mr. B. to tell him to meet us at the Dublin. He showed up and finally met my friends (he went to high school with K., so he already knew her). Then we all went to see the band and the karaoke. It was a great time, but Mr. B. kept trying to get us to go back to the Dublin for some reason. We finally headed there for last call and then I drove everyone to K.'s house for after hours. I knew he had been trying to get me alone for most of the night. So, we finally had THE conversation. He told me he had just broken up with his girlfriend and really cared about me and wanted to try again. I told him I couldn't trust him, and I could really only be his friend right now. He asked me what he'd have to do in order for me to believe him and I said how about he talked to me about all of this sometime when he was sober. He said, "touche'!" and assured me he would, but I know he won't and that's why I said that. Like I said, I'm all for being friends, but even I'm not dumb enough to want anything more than that from him. I was surprised that he was still trying after everything. He definitely gets an A for persistence

It's Something I Said, Or Someone I Know

Here's how it's hangin' in Iowa right now. Are those electrical boxes covered in ice? I'm sure that's safe.

I will try to make this quick. My friend J. asked me to meet him out for coffee (or tea, in my case) this evening. He is recently engaged, and I hadn't seen him for a while, so it was good to catch-up. He seems really happy. He used to have a crush on me for years. At first, he was 21 years old and in college and I was 31 and newly divorced with a 3 year old and a five year old and we were at such different places in our lives. He's a physically attractive guy, but we never quite meshed in other ways (at least as far as I was concerned). We worked hard at becoming friends, and have had some rough spots. I've tried really hard not to lead him on in any way shape or form, but as we all know, everyone wants what they want.

So, anyway... We took a break from our friendship for a year and a half or so and in that time, he was finally able to meet someone else who he seems to mesh really well with. I'm very happy for him and it will make our friendship so much easier now that we both want the same thing. He promised to bring his girly down to the Dublin to meet me in the next couple of weeks during what my friend Sara likes to call my "office hours" on Saturday night. I'm so excited to get to know her.

On another relationship front, I stopped by a friend's house for a minute on my way home from the coffee shop. While I was there, I asked her if she and her boyfriend did anything special for Valentine's Day. She responded, "Well, I DIDN'T push him down the stairs...." Ain't love grand? Maybe it's just safer being single.

Take It Off the Rack, If It's Whack, Put It Back

That one guy all blurry and stuff.

Okay. After a quick run, I've spent most of the evening painting my kitchen. I'm about 95% done, I still have to clean up and I have a slight headache from huffing paint fumes all night. What that means for you guys, is that I'm going to write a fairly lame post that consists mostly of copying and pasting. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better and I'll have a pic of my freshly painted walls.

Sooo, remember how a few months ago, I thought I might run into Mr B. and that I said I'd be fine with it? The thing is, I wasn't sure how he'd be with it. For the most part, I didn't care, but I'm socially awkward enough without there being any bad blood between myself and anyone else.

The last time I talked to him was in June and at that time he was trying to convince me that he wasn't lying to me about having a girlfriend while we were hanging out, while at the same time, trying to get me to assure him I'd date him again now that he and his current girlfriend didn't seem to be working out. I gave him a big "Hell no!" in answer to that. I can't date someone I don't trust, and I'd never be able to trust him. He seemed upset about my answer, and we left it that we'd be friends, but I never heard from him again.

Since he and my friend K. graduated from high school together, they are Facebook friends. On New Year's weekend, Mr. B posted something on K.'s wall. I thought it would be the perfect and "safe" opportunity to test the waters of our friendship. So, I left a smart-ass comment on it. He knows me well enough to know that's what I do. (and it would be a much worse sign if I didn't flip someone shit) But he took it the wrong way, and I got a message from him.

The subject title was "Bitter", which cracked me up and this is what it said:


Ok, you sound bitter, understandable. Let's make sure exactly what your bitter about. I am guilty of blowing you off and going to my previous relationship. For that I am truly sorry and I totally understand why you would be pissed. But I did not do what you said I did (which would be a serious dick move.) If you do not believe me fine. Either way, I hate the weirdness (which I created) but I understand. You are an awesome person and I acted immaturely. You did not deserve that.

To which I replied:

I totally didn't mean to sound bitter. I was trying to be funny (har har). I guess things come off sounding weirder when writing dumb-ass FB comments.

There's no weirdness from me. You did whatever you did, and I'm sure I'll never know what really happened and when. You have to understand that it's hard for me to believe you when you told me different things at different times. Only one of those things could be true, right? But it doesn't matter. Believe me, I've had guys do way worse things than that to me before. I just liked you a lot, so it probably affected me more than with other guys. Whatever. It's done. I'm soooooo not bitter. I hope you're happy and doing well. I'm doing great. I just bought a house. Even though my pipes are frozen right now, I'm still happy about it.

Thanks for trying to make things right.


He messaged back that he was glad we were friends again. Hopefully, things won't be weird between us the next time we run into each other. I guess that's what I hope for with every guy I used to date. How about you all...Do you try to stay friends with exes, or do you just avoid them all together?

There's Always Other Boys. There's Always Other Boyfriends

I ended up encountering a different ex then I thought I would.

Wow, kids! What a whacky weekend. I'll start off with saying that I think I found someone to rent my apartment. As always, I'm cautiously optimistic and won't let myself get really excited until her references check out and she signs the sublease. But at least there's hope. I'm still showing my place, just in case, though.

Here are some fun Dubliners. One who wears her heart right out there on her chest.

This weekend the weather was amazing. I ran as much as I could, but wasn't able to find time to bike. Sigh. I did get a lot of cleaning and packing done. Saturday evening I got a little sad. I was home by myself, packing and sorting and getting rid of a lot of the girls' toys and art supplies and Stinky's rock collection, and stressing out about not having a renter yet. I just felt overwhelmed by loneliness. It was fleeting, of course, and today was a million times better. The girls helped with the packing and I had someone to laugh with about all the crazy things the girls had and did when they were little and I actually let myself get excited for our new house where I'm sure we'll have even more crazy fun times. Hooray!

Here is Erik surrounded by Dublin girls. He looks pretty damn happy, doesn't he?

I don't know what it is the last few weeks, but I keep getting haunted by exes. My boyfriend from 20 years ago keeps calling me and trying to get me to move to California and go out with him again. I try very hard not to lead anyone on, while also not hurting their feelings, but I got tired of very diplomatically telling him no. So, I just put him on a special ringtone, and don't answer when he calls me anymore. Another of my exes stopped down to the Dublin without his girlfriend on Halloween. We talked for a bit and it was just fine. Then Erik texted me on Friday night to tell me he was coming to town for the game and wanted to know if I would meet him at the Dublin around 8. I told him I was busy on Friday, but I'd catch up with him on Saturday night instead.

I know I said there was a possibility of me running into Mr. B., but that never happened. Which was probably better. I was kind of exed-out anyway. A friend of mine asked me if I was going to be okay seeing Erik, and I told her I would have no problem. We haven't dated for almost two years and I haven't seen him in a year. For me, all it takes is time and not seeing the person for me to get over them. It was actually really good to see him now that I don't care anymore.

I try to never look at old relationships as a waste of time or as failures. I think if you try really hard, then it isn't a failure, it's just that your personalities or lifestyles didn't mesh. I've also learned something from every friend or relationship I've been in. So, yeah. Erik and I were almost total opposites and we should have seen from a mile away that it wouldn't last. (everyone else did) But I don't regret it at all. We had a lot of fun together and I learned a lot about myself and what I wanted. And most importantly... What I didn't want. He's a bigger life, conquest guy, and I'm smaller life, relationship girl. I used to joke that I was the country mouse visiting the city mouse when I'd go to St Louis to see him. So, now we know we can be good friends and it's always fun to hang out together. And we all lived (as friends) happily ever after...

We Rarely Practice Discern

Here is the bar right before the end of the game when we were still losing.

Another weekend is ending and I'm doing my little wrap-up post. Friday night was nice and mellow. The girls and I all decided to stay home and hang out together. It was great to have a few hours where we weren't all running around trying to get things done. We actually had time to talk to have real live conversations. We get along so much better when we can get downtime together. Ahhhh.

...And here it is a few seconds later, when we actually won the game.

The big news on Saturday was that Coadster made All-State for the third year in a row. It should help her get scholarships for college. Yea! The tricky part about it, is that it takes place in Ames, the Saturday after I'm supposed to close on my house in November. Whatever. I guess we'll just work it out, and I'll have all my friends with trucks come by that Sunday and help me move the big stuff.

Here is my friend B. driving people to distraction.

Saturday night started out really well. We beat Michigan State in the last seconds of the game. I've been calling them the Heart Attack Inducing Hawkeyes this season, because they keep winning at the end of almost every game.

The rest of the night was hit and miss. (literally) I was plagued by guys I wasn't interested in, hitting on me. Every woman knows that it doesn't matter what you look like or how heinous your personality is, if you go down to a bar, you will get hit on. I don't take it personally. I know it doesn't mean I'm special, it just means I'm there. I'm usually pretty good at dissuading guys without hurting their feelings or pissing them off, but last night things were a bit more challenging.

The first guy who bugged me was in the Writers' Workshop. He started dropping names of authors he was sure I wouldn't know in order to impress me, I guess. I'm a big book nerd, so normally I love to talk about literature, but this guy was so profoundly pretentious and condescending, even I couldn't be bothered. He kept trying to buy me drinks, but I already had my few drinks and was done for the night, so I told him to buy my friend G. drinks instead. That's what a good friend I am. After many, many times of me telling him I wasn't interested, he finally got the hint and left me alone.

After that I was having a fun conversation with some of my bicycle riding guy friends. They had been trying to get me to ride with them on a weekend, and I just hadn't had the time in the last month or so. I told them things were letting up and I'd be into riding next week. They knew I was trying to train for a triathlon, so they were giving me all these training tips, even though neither of them had ever done a trathlon. I still appreciated their advice, though.

Then a friend of mine came down with her new guy and his friends, who just happened to be from the town where I went to high school, and were about my cousin T.'s age. They were all very nice and one of them decided he was interested in me. Unfortunately, I had nothing in common with him and he wasn't particularly funny or interesting. Plus, he kept interrupting my conversations with my friends to get my attention. He and his buddies bought rounds of shots that he constantly badgered me to drink. I wasn't having any of it. If his friends weren't hanging out with mine, I probably would have been a little less polite about it. I finally got annoyed enough, that I decided to go home. I really just wanted to hang out with some of my friends and talk, and I could see that it wasn't going to happen. By that time, it was close to midnight, which is when I normally go home anyway. The good thing is, that the guy doesn't live in town and I won't have to deal with him again.

Triathlon training:

Ran 30 miles. No swimming. No biking. (hopefully, that will change next weekend).

'Cause What You See You Might Not Get

Coadster giving herself bunny ears for some reason.

Well, I did get the pain with that migraine after all. Luckily, my migraine meds took care of it after a while, but I'm still all different kinds of wonky, so you get another random post. Come on, you know you all love bullet points....Or how about numbers instead?

1.) I'm on this new kick where I want to try and get a little more serious about doing actual writing on here. I know I go through this a couple of times a year, and then I lose it and then I find it again. So, if I start posting weird shit that doesn't seem like it's at all about my mundane daily activities, just remember you've been warned.

2.) Somebody found my blog by Googling, "shoveling shit in Iowa" and now I'm thinking I should change the name of my blog to that. It would be way more accurate than Churlish Figure.

3.) I recently started reading W. Somerset Maugham's The Razor's Edge at a friend's suggestion and I'm really enjoying it. I don't know how I missed it in my younger years, but I'm so glad I'm reading it now.

4.) I ran into a woman friend last week and she was telling me about how she's been in a really bad relationship. She said she knew the guy was a jerk and treating her badly, but she couldn't get over him. She decided to talk to her therapist about it, who just happens to be originally from England. After she told her the whole story, her therapist said, "He sounds like a total fucking wanker. Why are you shagging him?!" My friend said once her therapist put it that way, she had to wonder the same thing. I guess some vernaculars are more powerful than others...

5.) This is my first full work week in I don't know how long. I forgot how fast time flew when I don't have the luxury of vacation time. How the hell do I get everything done when I'm at work five days a week again? Yeah, I know. Wah, fucking wah.

I Guess I'll Find Love, Peace of Mind Some Other Time

G. faking drama, but not really feeling it.

Saturday night we went out to celebrate with a friend. Her ex-fiance was getting married less than a year after they broke-up. She wasn't sad or mad about it. She just said it was weird. At first she thought she might stay home and chill-out, but D. and I convinced her she might just want to go out, so she didn't find herself stewing about stupid shit at midnight or whatever. We had a great girl night. There were a couple of guys with us, but for the most part it was us girls listening to cheesy music on the juke box, playing pool, dancing and laughing our asses off at our own expense. The guys who were there were giving us shit about playing Duran Duran and Hall and Oates. My excuse was that it was stupid, but really fun to dance to, and one of the guys replied, that he didn't dance so it was all lost on him. It hadn't occurred to me before, how much would be lost in most cheesy music, if you didn't want to dance to it.

G. with some drinking money all handy on her person.

Because it was that kind of night, we did some talking about relationships. One of the issues was whether a woman should ask a man out. A few of my girlfriends, who consider themselves feminists, thought the guy should either grow some balls or put on their big boy pants and ask the woman out. One of our guy friends who is in his mid-twenties disagreed. He said every person should create their own happiness. If we wanted to date someone, we should try to make it happen.

Of course, the big thing for me is my fear of rejection. In general though, I wait to see if the guy will ask me out first. If he doesn't, I usually lose my patience and ask him...Sure, I'm extremely awkward, with much stuttering and overuse of the word, "um", but I suffer through it. How about you all? Do you think it should be the man's, the woman's or should everyone just feel free to ask whomever they like out when they get the urge?

Nothin' More to be Said, Write Me a Letter Instead

My friend and her husband in from NYC.

Good lord, but Friday was a quite a lot of messiness. Don't get me wrong, most of it was good, but it was hectic and then there was stupid drama and you all know how I hate any kind of drama.

I got off work, walked home, ran my four mile route, drove to the store, made dinner, and took Stinky to her babysitting gig. She was watching a fairly young baby for the first time, so there was a bunch of stuff for her to learn before she flew solo.

While that was going on, my friend called me and we planned to meet at the Dublin at 9. Around 7, I got a text from my friend John. He was playing a gig in the town where Mr. B. is from and he heard that Mr. B. was going to be there. He jokingly asked me if I wanted him to say hi for him. I texted back, that he should say hi to Mr. B.'s girlfriend for me too. Then I quickly forgot all about it.

My friend G. also had an out of town guest on Friday. She was great as well.

So, after all of the running around, I made it to the Dublin and was having a great time and exchanging witty banter with people I really care about. Then I got a text from Mr. B. It seems a couple of my guy friends were giving him shit for lying to me about having a girlfriend. At first, I just ignored it, because I really don't care one way or the other. He kept texting me, telling me that he and his girlfriend were broken-up while we were together and that she doesn't really acknowledge their break-up and blah and blah and blah. I thought if I texted back, he'd stop, but that just made him call me.

Since I wasn't actively involved in any one conversation at my table, I decided to take the call and just finish all the monkey business once and for all. He kept asking me where I got my information. I finally told him I saw her Facebook page. (which makes this whole conversation sound like junior high, I know that) He said they just got back together a month and a half ago. I highly doubt it. She had photos of them together from before the last time I saw him in March.

Anyway, he was pissed that I would think he was a cheater. I asked him why he didn't respond to the message I sent him, and he said he didn't get it because he didn't know how to work Facebook. Whatever. Then he said he got back together with his girlfriend out of convenience and he shouldn't have and he didn't think they'd be together for much longer. He also started talking about trying to work things out with me. I said, no thanks. I told him his behavior was shady long before I had any idea about his girlfriend and if he really wanted me, he would have made an effort and he didn't. After some more jawing, I agreed to try and be friends again. I told him things wouldn't be weird if I ever ran into him, and we left it at that.

I think it's pretty obvious what happened next. You can thank me for not making you witness the full moon. I still have a little post traumatic stress syndrome from viewing it myself.

So, I'm still holding strong on my stance. I work full-time, I'm trying to keep two teenage daughters in line, while still feeding my running addiction and living in my own little world. I don't have time for bullshit. If that means I never date, then I never date. I figure if someone is interested in me, then he can let me know and ask me out. If he happens to be a liar, cheater or game player, then he doesn't need to bother. I'm busy.

I've Had the Blues, the Reds and the Pinks

Here is a metal sculpture done by one of the artists in the Radillac movement and currently on the Radillac farm.

So, a friend of mine found herself suddenly single last Summer after a 13 year relationship. She is discovering that a lot has changed since dating in her twenties and is often feeling extremely frustrated with men. Since I've been single for many, many, many years (for the most part) I've been through about every annoying stage of trying to find a guy I could be happy with in a committed and healthy relationship...Except actually finding that guy, I guess.

Anyway, we spend a lot of time talking about guys we know* and trying to sort out what they say from how they act. Usually, we end these conversations by using our blanket, "Boys are dumb and so are we for trying to date them..."

On Monday night, Stinky had some other girls over and their conversations sounded sadly too familiar. At one point her friend was saying, "It's so dumb. He doesn't even like her. He even said the only reason he hangs out with her is because she's hot and easy."

"Gross," said Stinky. "I hate guys."

"Word. All guys are stupid," Stinky's other friend said. "We should just go T.P the houses of all the guys we hate!"

At first I laughed in my head, because apparently nothing ever changes. Then I stopped and thought, "Heeeeeeyyyy. These girls have an excellent point." Wouldn't we all feel so much better if we just went over and egged and TP'ed all the boys who have annoyed us and lied to us in the past year? I think it would be the best way to get over all the bullshit. I am absolutely sure we'd feel instantly better.

I did a little emailing with some of my girlfriends about how funny that prospect would be. We kicked around which guys might deserve this special treatment and mentioned Mr. B.. Granted, it would be an hour drive but might prove worth it. My girlcrush answered back that she would be all for it, but then very wisely noted:

p.s. when you're no longer 15, tequila is required for a project of this magnitude

I think the middle of Summer is the perfect time for a tequila induced road trip. Don't you?

* Please remember. I'm not talking about all guys - just the ones we know.

Oh, Simple Thing, Where Have You Gone?

Here are some stairs heading down.

All this recent talk of Father's Day and dad's and blah, blah, blah, got me thinking about my own history with dad type figures...Well, that and the fact that Stinky is having HUGE issues with her father right now.

If you couldn't tell by my sad, sorry dating past, I haven't had the best male role models growing up. My dad disappeared when I was four and the few memories I do have, were of him being on the emotionally distant side. Then at ten, my uncle became my legal guardian and he was violent and abusive, and mean in general. Not surprisingly, my relationships have been with men who were either controlling and angry or EXTREMELY emotionally unavailable.

I started dating the girls' dad when I was 22 and he was 35. At the time, it didn't occur to me how odd it was that a 35 year old man was still living the life of people my own age, or that I didn't deserve all the name calling and drama he was so fond of. Of course, I finally figured that out by the time I hit my thirties and had two very young kids.

I wouldn't change a thing, because it gave me my girls. I just feel bad that they have to deal with the bad decision in a partner I made when I was too young to know better, for the rest of their lives.

When the girls were younger, Coadster told me that even though she wanted to stay at her dad's house, she sometimes felt abandoned by me when her dad was on a tear. We solved that problem, by me calling during their dad's night and if he was behaving badly, Coadster would tell me she didn't feel well. He'd rather not have to deal with them when there was a possibility of them being difficult, so I would tell him one of them were sick and I'd pick them up and take care of them.

Lately, Stinky has been having real issues with her dad. She doesn't feel like she should have to put up with his swearing at her, calling her names and "borrowing" her babysitting and birthday money and not paying her back. I agree. She has decided not to go to his house for the rest of the Summer and reevaluate in the Fall. I tried a couple of times to get them to talk things out, but he got even more upset and sent her some horrible texts that would be appalling from a high school boy, let alone a man in his fifties. All I can do at this point, is support her in her decision. I try really hard not to trash their dad, because they love him and they are after all, half him. But I do want to make sure they know that all of that bad stuff he lays on them are his issues and he says those mean things to them because he is messed-up and unhappy. It's just a tricky, icky, sticky situation.

Even My Shadow Leaves Me All Alone at Night

Well, this weekend pretty much just flew by. I did get to watch Wall-E on Friday night and I loved it. I was so glad I got a night to watch movies and veg out on Friday, because the rest of my weekend was insane.

Saturday afternoon I went to the Dublin Underground owner's cookout. My original plan was to stay for an hour or so, and go home and clean and have some wonderful alone time. The girls had left for the Quad Cities with their dad, and this was the first time in months and months that I would have 24 hours to myself to do whatever I wanted.

At one point during the cookout, I got cornered by a woman who wanted to talk about all of her shoes. She was speaking in designers and dollars and I don't really speak that language. The only thing I could think of to say was, "I spend a lot for running shoes...". It seemed like the perfect time to make my exit, but when I went to say goodbye, the hostess and my friend G. dragged me into a room and they started playing dress-up with the hostess' scarves and making hilarious outfits, so I ended up staying until 9 in the evening.

I went home for about an hour to relax and get ready. Originally, I was going to meet my friends out at the Industry where my friend G.'s co-worker's band was opening for a Tool cover band. Since we got going so late, her friend's band was almost done, and I couldn't see paying any money to see Tool, let alone their cover band, so I went down to the Dublin and waited for them there.

The rest of my night was nice and mellow. One of my ex-boyfriends showed up and we had a nice talk. We've been friends since he was 17 and I was 19. Sometimes we get along swimmingly, and sometimes he feels the need to prove that he can still push my buttons and piss me off. Luckily, this was one of the swimmingly times.

My friends left to find after hours fun, and I went home. I woke up on Sunday to find that someone had called and left me a voicemail at 4 in the morning. The voicemail was just someone breathing and then a quick hang-up. I checked my missed calls and it was from Mr. B. Wha? I wonder what the hell he thought he was going to say to me. "I'm sorry I'm a sociopath?" or "I'm sorry I was such a lying little skeez?"

My Mind Was Thugged, All Laced and Bugged

Here is a walkway that leads to the Piano Bar and then the alley.

Soooooo, here's the deal, Lucille. It is really late. The girls had their choir concert and then I had some bullshit I had to fume about and work on getting over, and now it's very, very late.

As I've already whined about, the last few weeks have been ridiculously hectic. I haven't had time to keep up with house cleaning, working out, eating right or my much needed alone time. In other words I'm not just whack, I'm out of whack. Hopefully, starting this week, everything will slow down and I can catch-up and get some kind of balance back. I'll let you know how that goes.

For tonight, I need to get to bed. Here's hoping your lives are all moving at a pace you can handle.

Over Futile Odds and Laughed At By the Gods

I took a bunch of photos on my way to work this morning. It had just rained so everything was still dripping.

Tonight I think I'm gonna write a poem. Don't worry, I may never write another. As I've said before, I don't really understand poetry, (which I'm sure I won't have to tell you after you read this) but I was walking home from work and sick the other day and overwhelmed by Spring and it just came to me. It's all very tongue-in-cheek. The idea cracked me up and so you all have to be exposed to it too...Or not. Ready? No? Yeah, I'm not really sure I am either. I think I'm going to call it:

Iowa Seasons Can Just Blow Me

Damn it!
You've suddenly come a-courtin' again
Looking all sweet and calling out to me
Everywhere

Wasn't it just a couple of months ago
When you were so cold and unfeeling?
Slapping me in the face with your ice pellets and frozen winds?
No matter how much I complained
(And you know I did) You were
unrelenting

But now you're overwhelming me with flowers
I can feel the difference in your touch on my skin
And your smell
Your smell drives me crazy
All dirty and warm and loamy
Distracting me and making me
Feel like maybe I can start turning my porch light on again.
(Although my friends like to remind me that there is a huge difference
Between turning my porch light on and getting drunk and
Accidentally leaving my back door
Unlocked)*


At first you make me hopeful
I'm reminded of how sweet you can be
And I start shedding layers
Exposing myself

But then I start to feel it
Something happens to piss you off
And you're suddenly on a tear
You thunder, you rage and you throw things around
You are a destroyer

Then when you calm down
You make up for it
You didn't mean it, you just care about me so much
It makes you do things you're not always proud of
You will try harder
You say and you show me your blindingly white smile
I do know better
We've done all of this many times before
I'm sure it's just a matter of time until you stifle me with your
Hot fetid breath constantly on my neck
And later, when you suddenly turn cold again

Yet I stay every year
Waiting for that first show of sweetness and
Warmth

*I got the "porch light and backdoor" imagery from my friend Sara, who got it from another friend of hers. So, I'm not sure who gets the attribution, I just know it isn't me.

Oh, But They're Weird and They're Wonderful

Here is the fence separating me from the beer garden at Joe's Place.

For those of you who are new here, my taste in viewing things, is much the same as it is for hearing things and eating things. I like everything, both good and bad. I will watch any hard hitting documentary, but all kinds of cheese too. I think I may have already mentioned the fact that when I was pregnant with Stinky, my friend Anne and I would try to catch every Sunday night made-for-TV movie and saw all three Joey Buttafuoco/Amy Fisher ones. Man, that was a banner year for television.

Anyway, I just wanted to clear that up before you try to start judging me on my viewing preferences. Don't bother. I get it. I have no filter and we can start right there. So, after that preface, I will now list some of the things I've watched recently:

Here is a funny thing that reminded me just a little bit of the robot from Lost in Space.

1.) The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency - I'm kind of digging this HBO series that takes place in Botswana. The music is great and Jill Scott does a really good job. Sure, it's quirky, and a little corny, and the mysteries all seem to be too tidily solved, but I like that about it. I also love that Jill Scott's character makes no excuses for her "traditional African form". She is big and smart and sexy and doesn't take shit from anyone. A girl after my own heart.

2.) Tough Love - This is total trash on VH1, but I watch it all the time anyway. At first, I thought it would be interesting to see what guys wanted in women, because lord knows, I have never been able to figure it out on my own. But, it hasn't revealed much except the usual: sexy vs. whorish and be honest, but say things in such a way that you put a positive spin on shit and don't be a drunken slut if you want a relationship and not just a hook-up. Now, I just watch it to feel better about myself. Most of the women on the show are shallow drama queens. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times; it's all about who you compare yourself to.

3.) Rescue Dawn - This is a Werner Herzog film with Christian Bale. I didn't know much about it before I watched it, except that it was a Vietnam flick. The first thing I noticed was that my college friend Toby is in it. He plays the funny guy, which is his normal gig, but he does it really well. The second thing was that it seemed really familiar, and then I realized it was the same story as a documentary, also by Herzog, called Little Dieter Needs to Fly that I saw several years ago. The movie was very slow moving, but the scenery and the character studies were pretty interesting.

4.) Rachel Getting Married - Many of you have already seen this Jonathan Demme movie. I know a lot of people had issues with it, but I really liked it. It's filmed in such a way that you feel like you just got dropped off at a wedding where you don't really know anyone and you have to figure out all the family dynamics on your own. Of course, the people were completely foreign to me. I've never come close to living in that kind of privilege, but again, I liked that escapism about it. Oh, and there was tons of great and varied music too.

I watched this with Coadster and it brought on some interesting conversations. The most obvious being the subject of addiction. I try to impress moderation and balance upon my girls. Most people are told not to drink, but most people end up drinking at some point in their lives. I talk to the girls about how to drink responsibly. As I've said many times before, I have to be very careful about how much I drink, because I have almost no tolerance for alcohol. They don't call me two beer Churlita for nothin'. I tell the girls that when they get to a point in their lives to drink, not to play drinking games or do a bunch of shots or share a pitcher. If you drink cans or bottles, it's a lot harder to get roofied and you can keep better track of how much you've had. I've also said, it's one thing to have a drink here and there but if you have to take drugs or alcohol just to get through the day, you need to look closely at what your real problem is.

The other subject we talked about was the family dynamic in the film. Debra Winger (I also made Coadster watch some YouTube clips from Urban Cowboy after she said she'd never heard of Debra Winger before. Some people may consider that child abuse) played the emotionally distant mother. Having me for a mom, Coadster thought she was really weird. She didn't understand why she couldn't just have a real conversation about things or want to share in her daughters' lives.

Coadster wondered if Anne Hathaway's character was the middle child and if that was why she needed so much attention. I said I thought so. Then Coadster made some comment about how everyone knows that the youngest kid always gets all the attention. Just like how Stinky is so much more spoiled than she was. I told her that I thought that was an interesting perception, since Stinky said almost the same thing about her just the other day. Coadster seemed shocked and wanted to know how anyone could think she was spoiled. I gave her several examples, and she said, "Oh. I guess I never thought about it that way."

Okay. That's probably enough of my pseudo movie/show reviews. Come back tomorrow and I'm sure I'll prattle on and on about nothing again.