Went to School and I was Very Nervous, No One Knew Me, No One Knew Me

So many geometric patterned sweater vests in 1983. I'm the one in the middle. I took this on my disc camera. If you've never heard of it, ask your grandmother. She might remember.

 It's strange getting older. There are so many things I've forgotten. Feelings that burned so hot at the time, are cool and dull now. Of course, there are some things I hope never to forget. The things that sucked at the time, but that I learned from, and those lessons that made me a much happier person in general. Can you tell I'm feeling Fall coming on hard, both literally and figuratively now?

 This time forty years ago, I was just starting my adulthood. I moved into my dorm room at the University of Northern Iowa at the end of August in 1983. It was the beginning, but it felt like the end too. I always thought that I would die, or something bad would happen to me before, or right after I turned eighteen and could leave my horrible situation with my abusive legal guardians. After a few weeks of waiting for something bad to happen, I realized that it might not come after all, and I could start working on this new life.

I wasn't prepared for independence. I never had any money to learn how not to spend it, I was rarely allowed to go out with friends, I had never dated, I hadn't been allowed to express my opinions freely for the last eight years, and I had very few social skills. I had spent so much time living in my own little world, and I suddenly had to learn how to live in the "real" world. I had no idea I was allowed not to consent to anything or establish boundaries. I could say no? I could voice negative emotions without being threatened or punished? Needless to say, I made soooo many mistakes (sometimes the same one over and over again) for years after that.

Don't worry. This isn't a mug shot. It's just the picture on my first university ID card. Try not to be jealous of my OP Shirt.

 

The University of Northern Iowa is the smallest of the three state Universities in Iowa. A lot of the students go home on the weekends and it can feel like a ghost town. I went there because I was injured the last year or so of high school, and the only track scholarship I was offered was for a small christian college in Southern Iowa. Even I  knew that wasn't a good idea for me...Or for that school either. I thought I'd have a better chance of walking on to the track team at UNI than I would the other two bigger state schools. Of course, after I got there, I found out that the cross country/track coach had a serious eating disorder and we spent half of our practices getting fat tested, being expected to do three different work-outs a day, write down everything we ate, and then get shamed for every calorie. It didn't take long for me to decide that maybe I could just run on my own and skip all the bullshit.

I transferred to the University of Iowa the next semester, but maybe it was best that I spent my first semester of freedom at a smaller school. I might have lost my mind had I gone to a bigger school with more to do. It was a nice, safe way to learn how to make friends, drink alcohol for the second time in my life (I did get drunk once at a friend's New Year's Eve party my junior year of high school), learn that I couldn't drink more than two beers an evening, figure out that I wasn't ready to be in any kind of romantic relationship after one blind date, and that I would probably be happier at a bigger school that had a better writing program.

Ahhh. Those wacky dorm room shots. At least there were no camera phones back then, so there are only a few of these photos lying around.

 

Believe me, forty years later I'm still working on some of that shit, but even as old as I am and with my brain a little more muddled, I remember how scary/exciting/overwhelming/liberating it was to so messily maneuver around trying to be a person in my own right. They say youth is wasted on the young, but I don't know if I agree. Sure, it would be great to have the physical part back. I would love to be in my fifties and be able to run like I did in my late teens, and not be in pain after sitting too long in one position. BUT, I think it's easy to forget all of the insecurities and emotional stuff. I can't imagine having the energy to work on all those issues and see my place in the world through those HUGE emotions and all that self-criticism while careening dangerously close to 60.