When I Was Three, I Thought the World Revolved Around Me. I Was Wrong.

Here is a man who is wearing an umbrella as a hat. He must be very practical and not at all worried what people think about him.

So, here it is. I have finally relented to answering some interview questions. This meme has been making the rounds all Summer and I've been avoiding it, because memes go against my self-diagnosed oppositional defiance disorder. Plus, I don't have a lot of time to follow the rules. But after I read Q's answers to his interview questions, I knew his own questions for me would be amazing. Like every other meme, I'm just doing to the part I like and not offering to think up questions to ask anyone else. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I'm that damn lazy. So, hold on to your hats, this could be a bumpy, dirty, extremely inappropriate ride. I can't wait.

1. My skills with sculpting silly putty into large red vaginas are known far and wide, but I have now turned my attention to sculpting with butter. Immortalizing you into a curdled milk masterpiece is next on my agenda, what pose do you choose for me to sculpt you in and what exactly are you wearing?

It's funny you should ask. I actually used to model for art classes when I was in college and then about two years ago, a guy who lives on one of my running routes, asked me to model for a drawing group. Since I had just turned forty, and figured it would be the last time anyone would pay me to take my clothes off, instead of paying me to keep them on, I did it. So, I'm over getting nehkkid for art, I think if I were going to be sculpted in butter, I would wear a French maids uniform and stand in some kind of finger wagging, toe tapping, scolding pose. Does that work for you?

2. The soundtrack of my life consists of two songs “Cum on Feel the Noise” and “Closer”, what songs would appear on your soundtrack?

Since I've lived many lives, I would need more songs than just two. Here's how my soundtrack would line-up:

a. Childhood, before my mom died - "The Grand Illusion" by Styx

b. After my mom died and we moved in with my crazy and abusive Aunt and Uncle moving from Arizona to Chicago - this would be a combination of two songs - "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns n Roses" and "Luka" by Suzanne Vega. So, maybe if you could put the lyrics to "Luka" with the music from "Jungle", it would match my life back then. Scary, I know.

c. My college years - "Rebel Rebel" by David Bowie.

d. My California years - "Party Girl" by U2

e. After my divorce when I was working 2 jobs to pay for my girls to be in daycare and I lived above a bar because it was all I could afford - "My Brain is Hanging Upside Down" by The Ramones.

f. The last few years - "Everything's Coming Our Way" by Santana. It sounds really optimistic at first, until you look closer at what "everything" could encompass.

3. During the night some magical gypsies exchange our brains, meaning that you are now in my body and I am in yours. This change is not permanent but we are not sure when the exchange back will take place. We know that all I am going to do is take hot steamy showers and make naughty films with Fringes. What would you do in/with mine?

First I'd take a few hours to get used to all the blood being diverted from my brain and sent to my penis instead. Then I'd spend some time adjusting myself and scratching my balls. After that, since it's too warm for snow, I'd go out and buy some crushed ice so I could spread it on the ground and pee my name into it. What else do penis bearing members do? Oh, I know - I suppose at some point during the day, I'd have to watch some porn, so I could make sure my new equipment was fully functional.

4. My personal memoirs are titled “Cold Popcorn/Hot Sex”, what is the title of your memoirs? And how awesome do you make me sound in them?

Mine would be titled "Hey! Shit. Wait. Whoops!: Portrait of a Spaz" and since I've never met you in person before, you would have a very prominent role in them. You would play the hott blogger guy that all the blogger chicks want to get with, but we all know it's impossible since you have the sexiest blogger girlfriend around. It would be all about my sad, unrequited love for both Q and Fringes and how I spend all of my days watching the naughty films you guys made when we exchanged bodies. There. Is that awesome enough?

5. Walking up to a woman and sticking my hand in their back pocket is my most effective pickup line, what is the best pickup line anyone has used on you?

Oh man, I can only pick one? Well, you're getting at least two anyway.

Once in the late eighties I was at a bar called The Foxhead and I'm sure I looked like I listened to a certain kind of music. Some guy walked up to me and said, "Hey. You know, I really like alternative music..."

I think I said something totally sarcastic like, "Oh my god! Really? Me too! We should totally have sex." I just remember he told me I was mean.

More recently, I was walking downtown, when some teenage, Emo boy asked, "Can you spare some change...And your phone number?" Really, nothing makes a girl feel more special than when a guy panhandles her first and then hits on her.